When a Lombardy Pudding Elk was illegally bred to a Chuckles Phart Squid, the result was a Lombardy Bread Pudding Upchuckelk.
Who needs Jurassic Park when we have Lombardy Bread Pudding Upchuckelks?
Play on…
Free range Lombardy Bread Pudding Upchuckelk are the nearly exclusive domain of the 17th Baron Leorson Beanrichter, whose vast wheat-filled meadows and ponds are the most apposite terrain in which to raise them. Unfortunately, his herds have lately fallen prey to the dreaded Ptarmigan Virus, which threatens them with possible extinction, or worse. Gypsies in the nearby Terwilliger Mountains speak of hearing the plaintive half-cries of the tormented ghosts of the Lombardy Bread Pudding Upchuckelks on nights when they’ve had a lot to drink.
There are stories and legends about a giant hairy Lombardy Bread Pudding Upchuckelk roaming the Terwilliger Mountain wilds and forests. It’s said that ol’ Lombo Sasquelkch (as locals are wont to call him) is over 17’ tall and nearly 6 inches wide. One can tell when one is in the vicinity of Sasquelkch by its distinct call of “Ni!” and by its breath, which reeks of purloined Doritos Cool Ranch Chips.
The Terwilliger Mountain wilds and forests were originally owned by the same Tewilliger family made famous by the Simpsons! It’s rumored that both Bob & Cecil Terwilliger have buried several “secrets” there. And a fresh grave has been dug for Bart Simpson, if Bob ever makes good on his plan to kill him.
ETA: What did I start with talk of Purple Phartuccio Squids and Lombardy Bread Pudding Upchuckelks?
The Simpson Tree Williger is an invasive hot-dog shaped bicuspid caterpillar found in the elm trees surrounding Blawnox, PA. Not a day goes by when a Blawnoxian isn’t heard to say “Gee. Willigers!”
ETA: I don’t know, Annie, but I would absolutely buy a t-shirt that said “Save the Lombardy Bread Pudding Upchuckelk!”
The Caterpillar corporation was founded by Indiana farmer Jedediah Sherman, who built a primitive bulldozer to knock down all the unwanted trees John “Johnny Appleseed” Chapman had planted all over his property.
Jebediah Sherman’s grandfather was an underage soldier in the Revolutionary War; his father was an underage soldier in the War of 1812, he himself was an underage soldier in the Civil War, his son Moss Sherman was an underage soldier in the Spanish-American War, Moss’s son Fillmore Sherman was an underage soldier in WWI, whose son Orson was an underage soldier in WWII, whose underage son Bickels Sherman died in the Vietnam War, ending the strain.
The M4 Sherman tank was named after Colonel Fillmore Sherman. Colonel Sherman was a feared tank commander in WWI and was known for not only his innovative concepts of armored warfare but also his penchant for swearing. from the top of his tank Sherman would swear at his subordinates, his superiors, the enemy, non combatants, Stars and Stripes reporters, at radio announcers, at the mess cook, at chaplains, and at nurses. After the war, Sherman was diagnosed with turrets syndrome.
Sherman Hemsley, best known as star of TV’s The Jefferson’s, won a full scholarship to Yale Medical School where he had a 4.0 GPA. He dropped out after being offered the role of Sportin’ Life in a touring company of Porgy and Bess.
Porgy and Bess was, in an early draft, the tale of a doomed love affair between a fish in the order Perciformes and Queen Elizabeth I of England. George Gershwin wisely decided that Depression-era American audiences would either not respond to, or might be actively hostile towards, a 16th-century tragic interspecies romance.
George Gershwin imagined himself to be the reincarnation of Johann Sebastian Bach. It was all his brother Ira could do to keep him from going to parties in a powdered wig.
Johan Sebastian Bach was reincarnated as Jonathan Livingston Seagull, which was extremely disappointing because he had hoped to return as Dr. Livingstone and be able to wear a kilt.
Peter Shaffer, on the other hand, has been certified to be the reincarnation of Wolfgang Amadeus Mozart, which is why he wrote the play based on his own life. Who better to write an autobiographical work?
Wolfgang Mozart’s son, Coyoteclan Mozart, had a tin ear and couldn’t carry a tune in a bucket. Failing in the music world, he turned to posing for ad posters, the most famous of which was for Violin Insurance Company of Vienna. It pictured a pile of burning string instruments in the background, with Coyoteclan standing in front of them with a single tear running down his cheek. The caption read “Please help preserve violins in the home.”
The only difference between a violin and a voila is that a violin burns longer.
Fentenmann’s Premiere Voila! burns for up to eighteen hours, gives a lovely warm amber light, is good for popping corn, roasting marshmallows and cooking hot dogs. Violas just crisp right up.
Coyoteclan Mozart did write the theme song for Violin Insurance Company:
Violins roasting on an open fire.
Warm amber light destroys the strings
Roasting marshmallows should be outlawed
And cooking hot dogs tug at my heart strings.
Tchaikovsky’s *1812 Overture *was written specifically to remove the remnants of melted marshmallow from violin strings. However, success was erratic and the piece was replaced by Dimsky-Phartuccio’s *The Flight of the Stickyfree *in 1899.
The Stickyfree is a very rare bird indigenous to Tokyo, Palm Beach and the eastern suburbs of Blawnox, Pa. They have been declared extinct at least six times in the modern era. A stuffed and mounted juvenile male specimen was sold on eBay in June 2003 for $475,000.