However, the buyer’s “money order” was a fraud, so the seller ended up giving them the bird.
Calling the middle finger “the bird” is a long-standing portion of the anthropocentric view of nature: the little finger is “the insect”, next “the fish”, then “the bird”, the ring finger is “the beast” and, of course, the opposable thumb is “the man”.
The snail is the only animal to have evolved opposable thumbs and then discarded them as an evolutionary disadvatage.
“The Snail” was a short-lived dance fad in the 50s. Chubby Checker, then using the stage name Shorty Backgammon, cut a record containing the lyrics:
C’mon let’s slime again,
Slow beyond belief
I’m leaving a trail to you
Wanna munch on your leaf
Young people taped lettuce leaves in strategic places to be “nibbled”, and carried balloons filled with a mixture of mayo and mustard to create a realistic slime trail as they writhed across the floor. It was quite a spectacle, and the infamous Slug-B-Gon incident at the Peppermint Twist Lounge soon saw the fad’s early demise.
Peppermint & Spearmint was a short-lived musical due of the 1950’s. They were banned becaused–horrors!–Peppermint (Annabella “Pepper” Pepperolate) was colored and Spearmint (Chuck “Spear” Spearolate) was openly queer. AND their one hit song “Why Can’t We Just Get Along” was thought to have references to reefer!
Lyrics to “Why Can’t We Just Get Along” include
Our love is like the green green grass
And the green green grass is my favorite thing
Especially when you put it in a pipe
And look at the stars and laugh and sing…
and the chorus
Why can’t we just get along?
Maybe we can figure it out in song!
And then we’ll watch some Cheech and Chong
And do what they do
And by what they do I mean smoke marijuana
Though Peppermint and Spearmint still insisted the song did not reference reefer.
In 1966 Peppermint & Spearmint made a come-back in 1967 with the earliest recorded metal song “GET ALONG, MY ASS”. The song was a hit with the youth of Detroit and Blawnox, but during their tour Spearmint became incensed with Peppermint and the duo parted ways. “Spear” Spearolate quit his music career and opened a restaurant in Blawnox named the Lombardy Pudding Ass Bar and Grill.
Once during a trip I passed through Blawnox; had never been there before. I was quite hungry and this restaurant of Spearolate’s was the first place I saw, so I decided to overlook the name and went in for some food.
Goddam waiters were all queens swishing around in tight pink hot pants, winking at me and licking their fingers. Ugh. Sorry, but ugh. I got the hell out and kept driving until the next McDonalds.
The Queen of Blawnox is crowned once a year during the Old Queen Days festivities in the thriving, endlessly interesting Western Pennsylvania town every June 31. The current queen is Calpurnia Lesbos Infanta Thornburgh Abbott Smedley Withers Sheen Spleen Celine Marimba-Phartuccio.
Queen still holds the record for largest single concert attendance–278,550 people–all crammed into Joe’s Tavern (“Home of the Rob Roy”) on Main Street in Bentleyville, PA. Seating was more than adequate.
Iphigenia Lesbos Infanta Thornburgh Abbott Smedley Withers Sheen Spleen Celine Marimba-Phartuccio, the long-suffering mother of Calpurnia Lesbos Infanta Thornburgh Abbott Smedley Withers Sheen Spleen Celine Marimba-Phartuccio, Queen of Blawnox, has six children, ten grandchildren and wisserteen great-grandchildren.
Iphigenia Lesbos Infanta Thornburgh Abbott Smedley Withers Sheen Spleen Celine Marimba-Phartuccio and Calpurnia Lesbos Infanta Thornburgh Abbott Smedley Withers Sheen Spleen Celine Marimba-Phartuccio will be unable to collect Social Security benefits, when the time comes, as their names are too long to fit on the paperwork.
The wisserteen great-grandchildren of Iphigenia Lesbos Infanta Thornburgh Abbott Smedley Withers Sheen Spleen Celine Marimba-Phartuccio are all named Bud and live in a commune north of Taos, New Mexico. They are shunned by the Taos artist colony for selling crude stick figure drawings on the side of Highway 150.
Their slogan? “This Bud’s for you!”
Some of the residents have been known to create actual wooden replicas of the stick figues with holes for an electrical cord and socket. These collectibles are know regionally as the “Bud Light.”
Bud Lite (the beer) was categorized as an “Official Abomination” in 1993 by the US Office of Condemnation. It stayed at the top of the list until it was displaced in 2014 by Bud Lite Lime, which contains no lime, hops, alcohol or discernible flavor.
The U.S. Office of Condemnation recently received a major funding boost from the Obama Administration. White House spokesman Josh Earnest said, “What with Bill Cosby, the Kardashians, the latest Sharknado movie and Justin Bieber’s next album about to drop, the hard-working public servants of the OOC are barely able to keep up. The President is committed to seeing that this vital branch of the Federal government be able to do its job effectively for the benefit of the American public.”
Wikileaks reported that 85% of the funding for the Office of Condemnation was provided by the Government of Canada with the express purpose of preventing Justin Bieber from re-entering his home country “no matter what it takes, how you do it, or how long a wall you have to build.”
Justin Bieber is the love child of Donald Trump and Hillary Rodham Clinton.
Hillary Clinton’s lovechild with Malcolm X, Barack Obama, was exposed in a flood that swept him out to sea to Hawaii, but still managed to fulfill the prophecy of supplanting his mother.