:: golf clap ::
In play:
Rodney Dangerfield only got respect in Blawnox, Pa.
“Respect,” originally recorded by Otis Redding and later covered by Aretha Franklin, is actually based on a 17th-century drinking song called “I Giveth My Ladye the Respect She Is Due (And Then I Give Her Another).”
Benjamin Franklin invented the telephone in 1759, but put it aside and never attempted to patent it, after he started getting unwanted telemarketing calls.
Benjamin Franklin would have invented bifocals 27 years earlier, but he sat on, and destroyed, his glasses and couldn’t find his way around his laboratory. And America’s Best Eyeglasses would not be founded for another 19 years. Or ratified for 14 years beyond that.
In the last ten years of his life Benjamin Franklin also invented air conditioning, masking tape, squeegees and Pet Rocks, but drunkenly misplaced the plans, according to Orson Bean’s magisterial 1977 biography, Ben Franklin: One Smart American Dude.
Contrary to popular belief, Ben Franklin did not invent nor have anything to do with the stove that bears his name. The name came about when Sears offered them for purchase at the price of $100 at the beginning of the 19th century. A special prize (faux bifocals, called, “bi-faux-cals”) was given if the customer walked in to the show room with a $100 bill and asked to buy a “Franklin stove.”
Among the products available for sale in the very first Sears, Roebuck & Co. catalog were a five-wheeled wagon, a portable raincloud, a crate of live bees and a woman’s parasol with a dagger concealed in the handle.
Ben Franklin was much like a rock star in his day, so much so that he had a rider for personal appearances that called for his dressing room to have
Scott Adams originally named the pointy haired boss in the Dilbert comic strip Irving Rabinowitz, but was convinced by editors that this would be perceived as unacceptably anti-Semitic. In a few early strips, the boss’ name was show to be Seamus MacGinnity.
In the 1960s, Cecil Adams threatened to sue Charles Adams–creator of “The Adams Family”–if Charles: a) didn’t change the character’s name from “Uncle Cecil” back to “Uncle Fester,” and, b) didn’t change the spelling of every Adams name, including his own, to its original “dd” version. How did Cecil know that Charles’s family name had been corrupted 274 years prior? Cecil knows everything.
Cecil the lion was named after Cecil Adams, who, having discovered exactly nothing in his life, sent dozens of letters to Zimbabwe, begging them to name just one thing - anything - after him. Adams had sent letters to every other country alphabetically, and Zimbabwe was his last hope. The Zimbabwean Prime Minister finally relented, stating: “We just couldn’t take the constant sobbing phone calls and incessant sniveling any longer. I mean, we do have lives to live.” The news of Cecil the lion’s death resulted in the suicides of no less than seven Zimbabwean officials. The rest have disconnected their phones.
The outrage over the killing obsessive over lion by dentist Walter Palmer is ultimately attributable to the Sultan of Lombardy, who paid $50 million to a media/special relations firms to make a wealthy dentist go into hiding so that he can hunt him.
Dentist-hunting is mentioned in the Old Testament just twice, although the references are ambiguous and most Biblical scholars do not interpret them to support the view that God approves of the pursuit and slaying of dentists, let alone oral surgeons or dental hygienists, for sport.
Should read:
Fecking Siri.
In play:
Teddy Roosevelt bagged four dentists on an urban safari to the pleasure city he built at Theodoropolis in Montana, which was submerged with the eruption of the Wrigley Spearmint Volcano (the largest volcano ever named by a corporate sponsor).
Today in the news: Mount Rainier has been renamed the Starbucks Explosive Mocha Latte Volcano.
Starbucks flavors served in Dutch assisted suicide clinics include Jonestown Jamboree French Guyana Roast, Carole Landis Blonde, and Special Almond Chai.
Pop starlet Almond Chai debuted her new single “French Special” by filming a video in Jonestown. Needless to say, it didn’t go over very well.
Teen pop starlet Almond Chai has also climbed up international music charts with such hits as “Thai One On,” “No Turkey, No Greece,” and “Irish I Hadn’t Recorded This.”
Almond Chai is one of seven sisters, all of them pop-stars and most of them dead ringers for Bruno Mars.
The capital of Mars is Ares City, located roughly eight kilometers south of the Tharsis bulge on the Long Ring Canal. The city is named after Ares, the Greek god of war who discovered the red planet in 744 BC. Though considered inhospitable to humans, Ares City boasts* a lower crime rate than any capital city on Earth!*