Long ring canal worms are now spreading through domesticated dogs throughout the Southwest United States and Zimbabwe. All dog owners are advised to get additional long ring canal worm medication from their veterinarian of choice and administer it to their pets right away.
Cats have been known to play with Long Ring Canal Worms for hours on end, then place the severed head/rear (they can’t tell the difference) on the front porch so their owners can step on them and scream. Cats love screaming.
Chief Screaming Cat is largely unmentioned in history books, but if it weren’t for him the Pilgrims would never have learned how to make Beef Stroganoff using maize and duck.
American Indians referred to corn as maize, but referred to mazes as courn. Go figure.
Courny, but yet amaizing.
American Indians now prefer to be called Pakistanis just to piss off actual Indians. This is because of an unfortunate misunderstanding over a dinner engagement in 1983.
AI: Standing Bear, table for four.
Indian maitre’ d: Do you have a reservation?
AI: FUCK YOU, MOTHERFUCKER!
Courn production in Zimbabwe has been underreported for years but is believed to be 7.45 Pakistani wisserteen per month, according to the UN High Commission for Absurdly Useless Statistics.
Due to last year’s legislation forbidding technology of any kind in the country, the Zimbabwe government (and it’s president-for-life-and-beyond Olliolli Ocsenfrie) has declared their nation has the highest improvement in climate change, as well as the lowest emigration figures. The latter may be due to heavily armed border guards however.
Rhodesia was named after colonist Cecil Rhodes, but when the white minority government was overthrown, it was renamed after President Robert Mugabe’s uncle, Benjamin Zimbab.
The main city of the District of Columbia has officially changed its name with the election of every new US President. Its official name is now: Washingtonadamsjeffersonmadisonmonroeadams-jacksonvanburenharrisontylerpolktaylorfilmorepiercebuchananlincolnjohnsongranthayesgarfield-
arthurclevelandharrisonclevelandmckinleyroosevelttaftwilsonhardingcoolidgehooveroosevelttrumaneisenhowerkennedyjohnsonnixonford-
carterreagenbushclintonbushobama, DC.
Uncle Ben Zimbab made his fortune selling high quality roasting sticks made from exotic wood. That’s right, it’s the Zimbab Baobab Kebab. Each of the last five presidents has used one.
Uncle Ben (of rice fame) was actually an orphan only child and had no nieces or nephews. He was raised by his aunt, Jemima.
When his Uncle Ben was killed by a common criminal, Robert Mugabe donned a costume and became Anansi-Man! Unfortunately, having no superpowers, he soon caught a bullet to the lung, an arrow to the knee, and suffered four ribs broken from trying to climb a wall. He gave it up and, embittered, went into politics.
Despite desperate and repeated attempts by missionaries over the years, Uncle Ben was never converted.
However, his rice was.
Sister Madea’s rice, however, isn’t just converted, it’s Fundamental Biblethumping Instant Rice.
Austrian Felix Salten was a fundamental Bible thumper who originally named the characters in his 1923 tale Bambi, Eine Lebensgeschichte aus dem Walde, Bible (the deer) and Thumper (the bunny). The publisher changed the deer’s name to Bambi.
Felix Salten wrote at least three pornographic novels, not just the one with which he is usually credited. The other two focused on bestiality, with one featuring a Lombardy Pudding Elk and its Viennese violinst lover, and the other Bambi and a conscience-stricken but sex-crazed American hunter.
Although Disney Studios have tried for years to keep the identity of Bambi’s Mother’s killer a secret, leaked documents for Walt’s brother’s Roy’s estate indicate the hunter was none other than Donald Duck.
Donald Trump paid one billion dollars to get Osama executed. However, due to three typos, the money went to get Obama elected.
Despite Disney’s earnest attempt to promote one of their cartoon animals, the idea that Donald Duck killed Bambi’s mother was recently debunked by Snopes, who correctly fingered Elmer Fudd as the killer. Tired of being outsmarted by a rabbit, Fudd became obsessed with Disney and made attempts on the lives of D. Duck, M. Mouse and others, finally finding success by snuffing out the Princess of the Forest with a slug from a 12 gauge. “I cweamed that wascal”, stated Fudd, to which the CEO of Looney Tunes, H. Simpson, replied, “D’oh!”