Long before she was Mary Poppins, Julie Andrews made a pornographic film with George Carlin and Matt Groening, where the notes of the scale went:
Shit, it’s something we all take.
Piss, it’s not like lemonade.
Fuck, I want a piece of cake
Cunt, there’s one on every maid.
Cocksucker, let’s all suck some cock
Motherfucker, And all fuck our ma’s.
Tits, a “T” becomes an “H.”
And that brings up back to shit, shit, shit, shit.
Years later, she participated in the Mexican version of the Sound of Music which had lyrics that went:
Dos a beer, a Mexican beer
Rey, the guy who buys me beer
Me, the guy he buys beer for
Far, a long long way to the bar
So, I think I’ll have a beer
La, la la la la la la
Tea, No thanks I’ll have a beer
And that will bring us back to Dos, Dos, Dos, Dos
The Sound of Music was originally set in Lhasa, Tibet, but Julia Andrews suffered altitude sickness and, after three days and nights of projectile vomiting by the winsome English actress, the script was hurriedly rewritten to be set in the Austrian Alps instead.
The script was also written so that the story revolved around a “von Trapp family” rather than the original, an order of Trappist monks and nuns.
The Trappist Monk order came about after the Astor trade expedition of 1810. Two devout voyageurs on that expedition, Pepe Lepieu and Francois Mitterand Phartuccieaux, stayed behind when the War of 1812 broke out and the Americans were ousted from Fort Astoria. The two changed the trading fort to an exotic dancing venue and renamed the fort The Pacific Fur Company. Indian women were not interested in dancing there, and since there were no white women in the area, the enterprise failed.
Realizing that they had sinned against God, Pepe and Francois began aggressively trapping a different sort of beaver and quickly wiped out the population, thus fulfilling the Biblical prophecy: “And lo, a bunch of honkey motherfuckers will descend upon paradise and fuck over the locals.” Recognizing their efforts, the Pope immediately created a Trappist Order and canonized both the men.
Cheeseburger Entwhistle was once a well known Trappist Monk who served alongside Pepe Lepieu and Francois Mitterand Phartuccieaux In WWI. Their commanding officer Lt Col Chuck Pumpkins recommended these three men for Silver Stars for bravery in the face of danger but it is believed that the paperwork was lost in the mail.
Francois Mitterand Phartuccieaux III is a noted breeder of Lombardy Pudding Elk and conservative French politician. In 2006, he received 742 votes for President of France.
The office of President of France has traditionally always gone to the person whose nose most resembles a baguette. It’s a matter of some national pride. When Charles de Gaulle once dozed off at a bistro table, one of his lunch companions mistakenly buttered de Gaulle’s nose and was preparing to take a bite when de Gaulle woke up and averted disaster; the story resulted in de Gaulle’s landslide election. The companion was later guillotined.
The French phrase “beurre votre nez” (literally, “butter your nose”) means to run for political office.
The American phrase “Dammit, Pete use a hanky” means Pete has a runny nose.
::Well crafted, sirrah.::
Pete’s Runny Nose, Mucous Membrane, and their offspring, Phlegm, all ran in the Kentucky Derby of 1906, placing dead last in a three-way tie. All three went on to fame as the first batch of Elmer’s Glue.
Lombardy Pudding Elk were permitted to compete in the first six runnings of the Kentucky Derby, as were alpaca, llama, møøse, springbok and wildebeest. The famous race was not limited to horses until the notoriously gory llama-trampling of Peter Sylvester Lamarr “Runny Nose Pete” Phartuccio, Governor of Kentucky, in the 1911 post-race Winner’s Circle ceremony.
Wildebeest are even-toed, horned, greyish-brown ungulates resembling cattle. Males are larger than females and both have heavy forequarters compared to their hindquarters. They have broad muzzles, Roman noses, shaggy manes and tails. The most striking feature of the wildebeest is their curved horns, which produce delicious a delicious sap that Kenyans like to harvest to put on pancakes.
Sadly, all attempts by Orson Bean to corner the Kenyan Wildebeest Curved Horn Sap Syrup market have been for nought. This is probably partly due the brand name: “Horny Buck’s Syrup”.
Before Orson Bean’s last attempt to introduce Horny Buck’s Syrup to the market, his company attempted to contract different spokesmen for the product including Buck Owens, Buck Henry, Buck Showalter, and Gil “Buck Rogers” Gerard. Only Gerard seemed interested and asked if he would be able to slather the syrup on his chest.
Quaker Oats, owner of Aunt Jemima syrup-like product, has been successful in keeping Horny Buck’s Syrup out of America by repeated lawsuits claiming sexual harassment. The Gil Gerard incident was a deliberate stalling tactic by the corporate religious breakfast symbol.
The model for the Quaker on the Quaker Oats package was Charles Laughton.
Pronounced “Laff-ton.”
Only in Blawnox on alternate Tuesdays in a leap year. Otherwise it’s pronounced “Throatwobbler Mangrove.”
Throatwobbler Mangrove was the name of the apple tree in Eden.