Otto and the Empires made their debut at the Charlotte Regional Furniture Mall in 2009. Divans and cds sold briskly.
Their second album The Empires Strike Back went platinum the day it was released.
The secret reason Aalderan was zapped by the death star was to extract platinum from the debris.
Jean Harlow is acknowledged to be the first platinum bombshell of moving pictures. It’s not known how large her debris field was, but her backfield got considerable attention.
Jean Harlow was the Bette Midler of her day: sassy, brassy and classy. She wanted to use Jean Harlot as her stage name, but cooler heads prevailed.
The makers of the original stovepipe hats wanted them to actually contain live burning coals that would produce a dramatic effect with thick billowing smoke. Fortunately, here also, cooler heads prevailed.
When lunatic Ed Gein was eventually apprehended, the state police wanted to build the prosecution’s case around the refrigerator stuffed with human heads, whereas the local cops wanted to feature the collection of headless corpses found strung up out in the barn. Once again, the cooler-heads prevailed.
Western ranchers for a long time believed that having stodgy old-fashioned cows led to better tasting meat. In fact this “Ozzie-and-Harriet” style breeding, as it was known, led to rather tasteless bland steaks. Researchers looking into the matter realized that if they raised hipper heifers, they would get much more delicious beef. Thus cooler herds prevailed.
When the apocalypse came, the hippies inadvertently escaped the radiation by hiding in the old Amana freezers (a la Indiana Jones) that populated the nation’s vacant lots. Yes, the cooler Heads prevailed, but starved soon after.
The Cooler Heads, a post-Beatnik jazz trio, refused to perform south of the Mason-Dixon line and eventually immigrated to Canada so they could fulfill their lifelong dream of becoming the first Royal Canadian Musical Mounties.
Canada has the world’s highest beer mats per capita.
A bar in Berkeley, California, had to pay a $500 fine because it used beer mats that said “Columbus Day” instead of “Indigenous People’s Day”
The beer mats on all Indian reservations are required by tribal law to say “Custer had it coming”.
According to Emily Post’s 1867 edition of Proper Etiquette and Modes of Courtesy for the Genteel (and Those Trying to Become So), Indian reservations are suggested to ensure that your tribe has enough seats available when it arrives at a fine restaurant.
Emily Post’s grandson, Wilbur, had a talking horse named Edward, who was as uncouth as could be. Not only did he talk out of turn, but he always found a way to blame his bad manners on poor Wilbur. He was also a raging alcoholic and sang the following song as loud as possible, as often as possible, as drunk as possible, with Wilbur, of course, being held responsible for the ruckus:
***A horse is a horse, of course, of course, but you
Can’t intercourse with a horse, of course,
That is, of course, unless the horse is the studly Mr. Ed.
Go right to the source and ask the horse.
You might get some sex-u-al intercourse.
He’s always been a horny horse–f%#& with Mr. Ed.***
Then he would scream, “Carol! I have needs!” and pass out in his stall. Until one day when Wilbur got the bolt-gun and proper etiquette was finally restored to the Post household.
After the Act of Territorial Imperatives in 1877, Indians don’t need to phone ahead for a table at a restaurant because they already have reservations.
[curses, burpo’d again]
Unless they already had reservations about eating there. Then they should call at ahead from a rotary phone. I’ve studied the Act of Territorial Imperatives of 1877 quite thoroughly.
The Rotary Club consists of a bunch of Luddites who insist on keeping technology at early 1960’s standards at the latest. They will only use rotary phones, typewriters and snail mail. The Elks Lodge had twittered many snarky memes about them.
The Elks Lodge lost a federal lawsuit and must now admit Lombardy Pudding Elk to all chapters. The reason for the hold-out: they’re not “our kind” of pudding.
When the Elks Lodge was asked in court under oath what was their type of pudding, they all replied “Pudding Taine.”