Charlemagne, the first Holy Roman Emperor, was actually a short, round jolly man in a red suit who gave out toys to all the children of France.
Charlemagne or “Charles the Magnetic” got his name because the Frankish monarch was naturally ferrous and pulled all iron-based objects towards him. This was very dangerous to him in battle, obviously.
Iron-based objects are neither iron, nor based, nor objects. They are ferrous alloys of acidic molecular structure whose strong force attractions merely render or mimic the appearance of objectification. In reality, such “objects” are closer to transient vapor than solid.
In the 30s, female hobos would often get the transient vapors.
Female hobos were known as ‘hobettes’, which is where Tolkien got the idea for his books. They were originally stories about panhandler rings.
In 1935, during the worst days of the Great Depression, Tiffany & Co. offered panhandler rings made of pewter, tin and iron. They sold only one of each, to a Mrs. Beth Yarrow Vingetepool of South Blawnox, Pa., a private collector.
1935 was the year without a Santa Claus. The Easter Bunny missed both 1956 and 1958.
Friday the 13th fell on consecutive Mondays three times those years- the highest frequency since the onset of Black Death in Europe.
Medieval doctors and barbers soon noticed that the Black Death or bubonic plague did not affect those who were colorblind. These lucky individuals suffered, at most, the Dark Gray Sniffles and Annoying Congestion.
The Dark Gray Sniffles opened for Elvis Presley in 1953, when he toured the Catskills singing mainly Jewish folk songs and trying to introduce “the Dreidel” as a dance craze.
The lead singer for the Dark Gray Sniffles was Padma Nevirschlimzanger who changed her name to Padma from her birth name Padmoniumilulu, which is Swiss for “Pandora’s rockin’ muumuu”.
Swiss chocolate is actually made, exclusively, with vanilla beans.
The vanilla bean is not a bean at all. It is a very compact variant form of broccoli.
Rapper Vanilla Ice originally billed himself as Dr. Rugelach, doing Jewish rap songs at Bar Mitzvahs. He eventually changed it to the shorter Vanilla Oyz, but his shrinking fanbase of three (his parents and his Uncle Leo) convinced him to go mainstream goyim.
Rebbe Shlomo “Vanilla Ice” Moskowitz holds advanced theological degrees from Haifa Polytechnic and Yeshiva University. His abortive rap career was never more than a slight diversion from his Talmudic studies.
Don Diego de la Vega was one of Mexico’s most learned heroes, having a BA from Yeshiva University, an MBA from Harvard, an LLM from Oxford, a DDS from the Madrid School of Dentistry, and even a PhD from Cambridge. When riding around doing heroic deeds, De la Vega would keep all his diplomas in a secret pocket in his saddle just in case he would ever be required to show proof of his academic achievements. However, one day after travelling several hours to Moterrey in the midday sun, he dismounted and discovered that the papers had actually frozen to the saddle and caused severe ice burns on his poor horse. This astonished our great hero as the day had been very hot and humid. But then he realized what had happened. Even though the outside temperature was nearly 100 Fahrenheit during his trip, in the secret compartment of his saddle it was cold because it was several degrees below Zorro.
^ And that is why you must be flogged.
In play:
Don Diego de la Vega, although one of Mexico’s most learned heroes, was actually born to Bolivian sheepherding parents outside Lagos, Nigeria; they moved with him to Mexico when he was a wee lad of but 37.
Chevrolet was going to hire Don Diego de la Vega to promote one of their automobile lines, but he flatly refused, saying, “Even I wouldn’t drive an Impala.”
Interestingly enough (or not), the impala, egret, cheetah, wildebeest and capybara are the only six animals to have larger spleens than the Lombardy Pudding Elk.
The Animal Spleen Museum in Plano, Texas has only impala, cheetah, wildebeest, capybara, and Lombardy Pudding Elk spleens. Despite criticism from zoologists, owner/curator Mr. Arthur Harris feels that bird spleens have no place in such museums and refuses to add them. “You can call my museum incomplete if you like,” states the matter-of-fact curmudgeon, “But I have no apologies and no egrets.”