In an emergency meeting, the Pat Morita National Bonsai Forest Board of Directors approved a $14,042 (annual) expense for security services after a gang of Japanese thugs attempted to steal the superfluous third stamens of the *Horny Phartuccio Aquaficious *plant. It is believed that the stamens of this particular plant increase sexual prowess when rubbed on the ear lobes of men over the age of 70. On the Japanese market the stamens bring up to $36,000 a piece.
Orson Bean achieved a level of fame in Japan that he never quite reached in the U.S. Emperor Hirohito twice offered to relinquish the Imperial throne to him, any product he endorses immediately sells out, and lissome virgin girls routinely make the pilgrimage to his Kagoshima vacation home to ask him to deflower them.
The security measures will consist of a large prominently displayed sign reading “Theft-Free Zone”. This is expected to ensure absolute protection against the theft of rare stamens each worth a year’s salary.
The Social Security Administration is not social, not secure, and not an administration. While nominally convivial, the social dynamics of monthly payments are almost measurably non-existent. Security is an illusion as death comes to us all. And the so-called administration would require an actual administrator, but this is currently prohibited by US law. The best they have is a churlish director and a cat named Seymour.
Kamil Hammerhead, Chief Director of Human Resources at Churls, Boors & Thugs, Inc., has made it his glorious lifelong purpose to infuse ignorance into the American society through all forms of media. You cannot access the Straight Dope online from their computers.
Seymour the Cat was able to hack into the Straight Dope, infusing it with much useless knowledge and a spectacular hairball.
Seymour the Cat is actually the seventeenth of his name to be assigned to the staff of the Commissioner of the Social Security Administration. All of them have been unfriendly gray tabbies except Seymour VII (1971-78), who was black with white boots and had, according to Vice President Spiro Agnew, “a charming purr and a warm, winning disposition made all the more remarkable by contrast with his predecessors.” Agnew loved the cat so much that he would make special trips to SSA HQ just to play with it.
Vice President Spiro Agnew died while trying to hack up a hairball.
Spiro Agnew’s fatal hairball is currently on display in its own birdcage shaped cast iron pavilion at the Smithsonian Museum of Natural History but was previously housed in the lobby of an Alexandria, Virginia Sheraton and was taken on tour with Confederate Railroad during the 1990s.
While placing the iron birdcage in the Smithsonian, a worker’s foot was crushed. The amputated toes were never recovered and are presumably still embedded in the floor.
Maya Angelou was kept imprisoned in an iron birdcage for 2 year, 7 months and 12 days by crazed stalker Chuck Pumpkins. She kept her sanity by singing every spiritual ever written, having memorized them all as a child. Chuck once remarked to her “I know why the caged bird sings.”
Maya Angelou’s 79 memoirs include “I Know Why the Caged Bird Sings Country”, “Wouldn’t Take Nothing for My Journey But this Sofa is Yours for $500”, “Poems With Words That Rhyme With Oprah”, “More Poems With Words That Rhyme With Oprah”, and “I Hate That Bitch Adam Sandler So Much: A Spiritual Journey”.
Adam Sandler sued Elton John for $666 million, claiming his Border Song was a rip off of Sandler’s Hanukkah Song.
He settle out of court for $666.
666 is the number of the Beast, but the Beast is not really happy with it because there were are many others in line ahead of the Beast and at this rate the Beast is going to be waiting eons of time just to be served. Indeed, #664 is the number of a little old lady who moves glacially slow and will not have decided what she wants until her number is called despite the menu being up there for everyone to see. Others with numbers better than the Beast include the Fowl (#564), the Friend ( #488), the Yearling (#321), the Pygmy Rattlesnake (#205), Orson Bean (#089), Gumby (#559), the Cactus (#323), Flo from Progressive Insurance (#622), McCormick Ground Cumin (#177), Marion Ross (#491) and the starting lineup of the Cleveland Indians (#309-#317). The Beast thinks they should hire more help to prevent such a long back-up but it is not like THAT is going to happen.
In the French fairy tale by Jeanne-Marie Leprince de Beaumont, the Beast never has sex with Belle, and when he returns to human form, Belle loses interest because he’s no longer, “…mysterious, huge and well-endowed. Plus, there’s no furniture, dishes, cooking utensils…Everybody changed back; the castle is empty with all these servants standing around with nothing to do. Screw this.”
The musical Beatty and the Beast starring Warren, Ned, and Shirley MacClean never made it to opening night. The make up used for Shirley’s character ended up making her break out in hives while test audiences claimed the closing number generally gave them the “heebie jeebies.”
Up until 2014, hives were believed to be a symptom of allergic reaction. Scientists recently confirmed they are, in fact, type 4 herpes.
The affliction known as herpes has its origins in Colonial America. During the Revolution, the Continental Army was aided by Hungarian Baron Orloff de Herpy, a known pervert in his hometown of Kecskemét. He volunteered to lead a battalion of children into battle after he gave them “special training”, but people were very leery of turning over their kids to the Baron. His name became synonymous for “skeevy”, as in “Boy, he really gives me the Herpies.” It soon became associated with a bad rash and eventually morphed into today’s usage after the disease was identified and named by another Hungarian, epidemiologist Anasztaz Chlamydia of Szged.
Hungarians pride themselves on being the least flammable people in Europe. Most flammable are, of course, Belgians; the name Belgian in fact means “to combust at any or no provocation”.
In fact, Belgian waffles aren’t named because of the country, they’re named because early waffle makers were prone to self combustion. Belgian waffles were a particular delicacy because of the danger in making them, kind of like eating a poisonous blow fish, but more fiery.