The most famous Belgian waffle:
“Are you Fleming or Walloon?”
“Depends.”
Belgian waffles were not invented by a Belgian or in Belgium, but by Italian chef Luigi Versace Gucci “Guy” Lombardo Vesuvius Nero Julius Caesar Tiberius “Tibby” Phartuccio in Buenos Aires, Argentina in August 1877 during the Great South American Exotic Dessert Exposition of 1903.
Luigi Versace Gucci “Guy” Lombardo Vesuvius Nero Julius Caesar Tiberius “Tibby” Phartuccio was the maternal grandfather of María Eva Duarte de Perón.
Argentina’s coastline used to extend several miles further into the South Atlantic Ocean but was eroded away between 1946 and 1952 due to all the tears cried over Evita Perón.
Evita Perón actually survived her bout of cancer. She faked her death, underwent plastic surgery, left under an assumed name (Florence Eva Phartuccio Notperon) for Hollywood, and wooed and won Walt Disney. She is now in the same cryogenic vault with him under Disneyland.
The original song from “Evita” was titled “Don’t Cryogenic For Me, Mr. Disney.”
Walt Disney was known to leave his shopping cart at the grocery store register and go back to get just one more thing even when there were several people waiting behind him in the line to get rung up. Of course Walt would usually then remember something else he needed or be indecisive over something like soup options and thus keep the poor people in line waiting even longer and the cashier would be well finished ringing up his order and looking around for Walt as the uncomfortable seconds ticked by and then finally Walt would come back and make a sheepish apology to those who were waiting and fuming but hey he had given them Mickey Mouse so what was the big deal?
Mickey Mouse was, in various draft scripts and conceptual drawings that Walt Disney and his brothers Roy, Sid, Paul, John, George and Ringo considered between 1933-37, variously a musk ox, a wildebeest, a mammoth, an aye-aye and a stoat.
Ub Iwerks, Disney’s first animator, was not a human being, but was, in fact, a mutated wildebeest. “Ub Iwerks” was all he could manage to say, hence the name. Walt was able to usually understand his nuances.
Hugh Jackman’s real name is Ub Iwerks, III. He got his start in porn, going by the name “Huge Jack, Man.” Hugh Jass was already taken.
The Blawnox phone book lists no fewer than 73 Hugh Jasses. All but one are cousins of each other, and the one is unrelated to the others, having moved to town in June 1977 and legally changed his name from Luigi Versace Gucci “Guy” Lombardo Vesuvius Nero Julius Caesar Tiberius “Tibby” Phartuccio III.
The avenging ghost of Guy Lombardo rises at sunset each December 31st, and can only be laid to rest by massive numbers of people all singing Auld Lang Syne at the stroke of midnight.
“Olde Longe Schlong” was a porn musical starring Hugh Jass-Muncher.
Hugh Jass-Muncher was born Neville Chamberlain Stanley Baldwin Pitt the Elder Phartuccio on June 7, 1977 in West Blawnox, Pa., and worked as a longshoreman, telephone operator, bartender, nightclub bouncer, set designer and street clown before beginning his lucrative career in musical pornography. He was noted for his deep bass voice, impeccable timing and unusual genitalia.
Hugh Jass-Muncher also starred in such classics as “Chokelahoma”, “Greased”, “Kiddy Fiddler on the Roof”, and “All That Jizz”. His autobiography, “Masturbation Nation”, sold seven copies, all purchased by Charlie Sheen.
Hugh Jass-Muncher’s daughter, Carpeta Muncher, starred in Ho Boat, the most ambitious all female porn musical ever attempted and featuring the breakout song “Ol’ Muff Diver”.
Phartuccio Biscuits, Ltd., the manufacturers of Crunch’N’Munch, is entirely owned by Rowan Atkinson and his seven ninja dwarfs. It was through the efforts and machinations of these short brothers of the night that Screaming Yellow Zonkers was found alone in a back alley, and left to scream no more.
Rowan Atkinson based the character of Mr. Bean on the actions of Queen Elizabeth II when LSD was slipped into her tea on a state visit to the English town of Blawnox-on-Ribble. Atkinson, then 4 years old (or 20, depending on the source) managed to take the only video of Her Majesty tripping and based his career on it.
Queen Elizabeth II never authorized her name to be appended to the ocean liner. Lengthy court battles ensued. Threats of another USA/UK war were made. Deporting John Lennon back to America was promised. Finally, the poor old boat was retired to California, where it’s docked next to the Queen Mary and they trade stories all day long over tea and scones.
David Bowie and Freddie Mercury used to dress up as Queen Elizabeth and Queen Mary, then prance about London’s East End crying “Oh, la-dee-dah, la-dee-dah!” This was in their youth, of course. As grown men, they put away such childish larks and dressed instead as Beverly Sills and Roseanne Barr.