Phartuccio! the musical will premiere off-off-Broadway in late March of this year. The executive producer (Elwood P. Dowdy), however, wants it to be a rambuctious 40’s style musical; the director (Orson Bean, who also stars) thinks it would work better as an intellectual mystery, and the screenwriter/lyricist (Ho Chi Minh Phartuccio, III) hopes it will be a manual of Zen as told in interpretive tap dance. The composer (Basil Fawlty, Esq.) doesn’t give a good goddamn what it is as long as it makes money.
Playing on the success of the rap bio Hamilton there will be a new grunge bio of Dolly Madison called Cupcake! starring Alan Cumming as James “J-Mad” Madison, Jeffrey Tambor as Dolly, Kareem Abdul Jabbar as Thomas Jefferson, a holographic John Goodman as the portrait of George Washington, and Lea Salonga as doomed Saigon peasant turned bar girl Kim.
Most people are familiar with the first ever cloned mammal, Dolly the Sheep. Fewer know the story of Molly, the second cloned mammal. Molly was a white-nosed coati, which is a small mammal similar to a raccoon. Coatis are commonly found throughout the Americas. Like Dolly, Molly was cloned by the Ruslin Institute in Scotland. This was in 1999, and with savvy marketing Molly was an immediate huge hit throughout Europe. Unlike a raccoon, the coati is easily domesticated and can make an excellent pet. Europeans unfamiliar with the coati were smitten by this precocious animal. She appeared on television and at many live events, never failing to captivate the audience with her gentle but zany antics. Molly was actually used as the symbol for Scotland in the 2004 Olympic Games.
In 2005, Molly was purchased by singer Paul Simon and his wife Edie Brikell as a gift for their daughter Lulu on her 12th birthday. Lulu loved the animal and this looked like a happy fit for both the singer’s family and the beloved scientifically-created critter. But then something went terribly wrong. In 2006 Molly began to act irritable, often lashing out and biting at anyone but Lulu. She also began to grow, in a bizarre and almost overnight fashion. In late 2008 Molly was reportedly about the size a large pot-bellied pig and weighed over a hundred pounds. The animal’s ill-temper made headlines when it viciously dismembered three pit bulls who had accidentally wandered too close to her pen. By the spring of 2009, Molly was the terror of the neighborhood. Local children were scared to leave their homes. There were reports Molly could be heard laughing like a deranged hyena late at night in her sty. Some even suggested the animal was speaking in tongues.
When a local priest disappeared and was found mutilated this was too much for Edie Brikell. She insisted that her daughter get rid of the animal. Lulu was vehemently against this, saying that poor Molly was just “misunderstood.” But Paul Simon contacted the Ruslin Institute, and with help of the military, the now humongous creature was wrestled from its home and taken away while Lulu sobbed and wailed. Molly supposedly died a year later in captivity. A bitter Lulu Simon never forgave her parents. Paul even wrote about this in an untitled song, a haunting remembering of his distressed daughter’s cries of “Mama don’t take my coati clone away.”
When the television series Hee-Haw ended its 80 year run it’s star Lulu was released into the wild in a park in Saskatchewan. She went feral very quickly, scalping campers and stealing their lunch and luggage, but was eventually tamed on a special episode of Dr. Phil, though she did spray his sofa and hopelessly maul that homeless DJ guy during the episode.
Dr. Phil is not a doctor nor a Phil–he is Fred Dalton Thompson’s younger brother, Pedro.
Daltonism and the unit Dalton are named after Fred Dalton Thompson. The term boiling is named after his teacher, Robert Boyle.
Peter Boyle actually was Frankenstein’s monster. His appearance in Everybody Loves Raymond was computer generated. And he actually hated Raymond.
A true scientific oddity, Frankenstein’s monster can never die. Look for Peter Boyle in up-coming episodes of “Saturday Night Live” where he replaces the late Phil Hartman(n) in the Tarzan, Tonto and Frankenstein skits. “A bona fide laff-riot.”–Jon “Tonto” Lovitz.
The original choice to replace the late Phil Hartman on Saturday Night Live was O.J. Simpson. He turned them down, stating “I don’t want to be remembered as anyone who profited from a murder.”
O.J. Simpson was nicknamed “The Juice” due to irritable bowel syndrome.
O. J. Simpson died during the filming of Naked Gun 33 1/3: The Final Insult, but was replaced by a lifelike clone, who later proved to be unstable.
Figuring there was enough profanity, sex and violence as is, the producers of Bad Santa (2003) hired Bernie Mac for the role of “Gin” instead of first choice O.J. Simpson.
Little Miss Muffet suffered from irritable bowl syndrome. It wasn’t the spider’s fault at all, despite the wide-spread rumors.
Mac & cheese washed down with gin will cure irritable bowl syndrome and will also kill profane spiders.
Joey Tribbiani actually filmed 13 episodes of “Mac & Cheese,” but they were never shown on TV due to contract disputes with that LeBlanc dude.
Matt LeBlanc filed a lawsuit against Ajax’s White (LeBlanc) Knight, claiming he was honing in on Joey Tribbiani’s fame. The suit was thrown out when it was proven that Ajax does nothing to get out Mac & Cheese stains.
Matt LeBlanc derived his stage name from the name given him by his frustrated French teacher. She wasn’t referring to the color white, hence Matt’s confusion.
Matt LeBlanc’s parents were real cut-ups; he had to change his given name at the beginning of his acting career because no one would hire “Phil N. LeBlanc.”
Mel Blanc also changed his name for purposes of pursuing a career in entertainment. He was born Huckleberry Hound Hanna-Barbera, Jr.
Huckleberries were originally called heckleberries because the berry bushes were known for booing and hissing at performers on stage. For this reason, they are banned from food and drinks served at comedy and live music venues.