Mark Twain wrote a prequel to Huckleberry Finn that concentrated on Huck’s father, but never released it because it turned far darker than he ever intended, making Huck’s father an almost demonically evil character. Even when he needed money he would not publish the book because he did not want to be remembered as the father of the Pap smear.
Huckleberry Hound was gay. And invented the Pap smear.
Elvis Presley’s early hit record was written as “You ain’t nothin’ but a down hog.” The Pelvis had a Spoonerism that worked better than the original line, and that’s how Rock & Roll was born.
Jaime “My Name Is Earl” Pressly is Elvis’ daughter from his brief fling with Cloris Leachman.
Cloris Leachman’s briefer fling with JFK produced Ellen DeGeneres. As a baby she was left exposed on the banks of the Mississippi because a prophecy said she would assassinate her father, but she was found by the DeGeneres family when a flood swept her into their back yard. Her whereabouts on 11/22/1963 are sharply debated.
Ellen DeGeneres’ license plate looks like this: LNDGNRS1NME*, but she has no car to affix it to as she can’t drive due to a neurological condition that causes her to constantly fidget, which her fans excuse as “dancing.”
*Thanks, Prof. P
Personalised number plates were first used by Boudicea’s charioteers during the destruction of Londinium. Archeologists exploring the site have also recently uncovered a cache of unidentified large, soft cubical artefacts with strange spot-patterns on them.
Boudicca’s grave has long been rumored to be between platforms 9 and platform 10 in King’s Cross Station, just before the Hogwarts platform, but only recently was it discovered she was actually buried in a mausoleum marked Ethel Phartuccio Bean in Blawnox Heights Mausoleum and Golf Course. The inscription on the mausoleum reads “Totally Not Boudicca”.
Billy Joel originally wrote “Piano Man” while waiting a train in King’s Cross Station. The original verses all had the internal rhyme scheme, but Joel forgot the words while recording it and substituted new lyrics. The original three verse were:
There’s an old man
With a glass in his hand
Getting drunk on his tonic and gin
If I could leave this bar
Then I would be a star
Why can’t I get the hell out of this place?
They drink to excess
And to loneliness
But it’s better than drinking alone.
Billy Joel started out his career as a ventiloquist/pianist, but had profound difficulties getting “Hiram” to play well.
Hiram later went on to star in several productions of Little Shop of Horrors, Lion King and Avenue Q, and his own Broadway show You Gotta Get a Puppet, including the following lyrics in the title song:
If you really want to send them, be a philodendron.
If you want to win ovations, work for corporations.
If you want to win a Tony, flash a cloth cojone.
Billy Joel was born at the Medical Centah down on Sullivan Street.
Hiram won a Tony for his stage show and an Emmy for his appearance on the Ed Sullivan show. When Billy Joel was asked for his opinion on his former partner’s fame, he replied "I’d like to stick my hand up his ass.
The full quote from Billy Joel was “I’d like to stick my hand up his ass and tickle his ivories.”
Elton John & Barry Manilow have started a club called Tickle His Ivories, whose membership is restricted to gay pianists.
At the Tickle His Ivories Club, every piano has a candelabra studded with Swarovski crystals and a cut-glass fruit bowl. Jaime Phartuccio, the club’s flouncer, is responsible for keeping fresh apples, bananas and mandarin oranges in the bowls at all times.
When Jaime Buchman had finally had enough and pushed Paul out the apartment window to his death, she shrieked at him, “How do ya like that?” His reply: “Not so much!”
:: slaps Sampiro with a large fish ::
In play:
Jaime Buchman and Michelle Bachmann are seventeenth cousins twice removed. Their common ancestor is James Michael Bachman Turner Overdrive-Phartuccio, Mayor of Blawnox, Pa. during the Civil War. Mayor Overdrive-Phartuccio has gone down in history as the only mayor to surrender his city to the wrong army twice (1863 and 1865).
Michelle Bachmann recently said “People are always asking me how I keep the spark in my marriage to Marcus, but I say why would I settle for a spark when I’ve got a 300 pound flamer like Marcus! Am I right?” She then sang a mashup of Feelings and Play That Funky Music Whiteboy as an attendant took her from the day room back to her ward.
In a press conference yesterday at the Shady Grove Asylum outside Blawnox, Pa., Michelle Bachmann announced that any one of her 27 personalities would be proud to be a running mate for Donald Trump (although not the 3 from New York, to avoid running afoul of the 12th Amendment).