Michelle Bachmann teamed up with media mogul Ted Turner to purchase majority shares of Uber ride service. They’re planning a whole rebranding scheme for the company including calling the Uber operators “Bachmann Turner Uber Drivers” though they both agree that it is a lot of work for a pun that really isn’t that good.
George Washington Carver invented more than 9 billion uses for sweet potatoes, one of which was a ride sharing service called Tuber.
Sweet potatoes are neither sweet nor potatoes. They are the bitter tasting eggs of a species of burrowing land shrimp; the foliage is actually a fungal pathogen that creates an illusory perception of sweet taste in the tuber.
The Puritan writer Fungal Pathogen Leviticus Teate the Younger authored hundreds of religious tracts, his most popular being “Oh Hell-Bitch, I Know Thou Dids’t Not” and it’s sequel “Hellbitch I Know Thou Dids’t Not Again!” and also "The Parable of the Prodigal Son Reexamined and Sckripted as a Musickal for Three Actors, Two Piggs, Four Dogges and a Talking Handpuppet Named Louis, With Three Ackts and an Intermission and a New Number by the Gifted Hymnist Benjamin Jehosohat “Who’s Your Savior?” Holmes-Wanker.
The Puritan Rev. Fungal Pathogen Leviticus Teate the Elder had a pet frog named Kermit. When he accidentally stepped on him and the frog crocked, he turned him into a talking hand puppet.
Puritan feminist Obesity Clarence and her daughters Eulogy, Eustachia, Eunice, Eudocia, and Euphemistically Clarence were banished from Massachusetts for the sale of ergot smoothies. Eulogy ultimately settled in Pennsylvania where she became concubine of and later the wife and taxidermist of Colonel Heliogabalus “Bubby” Blawnox.
Colonel Heliogabalus “Bubby” Blawnox’s taxidermied corpse was displayed for many years in the lobby of the Shady Grove Asylum outside Blawnox, Pa. It was finally buried on the grounds after being found three times in one week in the bed of noted actor Orson Bean, star of stage and screen and a member of the Asylum’s Board of Visitors.
Colonel Heliogabalus “Bubby” Blawnox is well known as the man who brought many cheap and tasty mushroom recipes to PBS stations throughout the 70s. Reruns of the Fungal Gourmet shows can still be seen in many cities.
The Fungal Gourmet led to such short-lived PBS spinoffs as Billy Frank’s Roadkill Kitchen, Dumpster Diving with Dianne Dischwalder and Senate Majority Leader Mitch McConnell’s Filibuster Café.
Roadkill Kitchen, is being revived with new hosts Mario Lopez and Paula Deen, for The History Channel. It’s to anchor their new season which also includes Hillbilly Prom Divas, Death Valley Biker Gangs, and Sewer Scavengers.
Dumpster Diving with Dianne Dischwalder was the most requested youtube video of 2015, mostly because she dives topless.
Dumpster Diving with Dianne Dischwalder has been optioned by Sony for possible development into a big-budget sf adventure. Brad Pitt, William Shatner and Orson Bean are said to be interested in starring.
Beans develop the best pods when grown in a pit full of shat-in dumpsters, and optionally irrigated with dishwater.
Whale pods have been shown to be one of the most highly intelligent and creative of animal groups. In 2013, surprised Japanese marine biologists actually discovered that if they provided a group of whales with specially adapted aquatic musical instruments, the whale pod had no problem assembling into a competent orcastra.
[golf clap]
The whale pod orcastra’s wind section blew so hard they pushed themselves into deep sea orcasms, but once the Japanese orcastrated a solution the problem was resolved.
A 1977 survey in The Journal of Outre Japanese Oceanic Pornography listed such oddities as tentacle, blowhole, flipper, gill, tail and baleen porn.
The Inuit of Greenland were once recruited to create baleen porn using ancient scrimshaw techniques, but it proved to be too much of a strain. It was, however, a kriller idea.
It’s a shamu that good whale porn is so rare as studies have shown that it is the type of porn that keeps the porn viewer most cetusfied. However, the scandal that was the movie *Free Willy * cannot be overlooked.
Not to belabor the point, but the first whale porn movie was entitled “Oosik* Bastard”.
*Look it up for yourself.