Whale porn jokes involving either “humpback” whales or “sperm” whales are expressly prohibited at Seaworld.
A porn version of “Brokeback Mountain”, called “Humpback Mountin’” was in the works after the former’s success. It was to star John Candy and Rosie O’Donnell as the happy whale couple, but fate would not have it so. Candy, of course, died. O’Donnell was unable to lose enough weight to fit into the whale suit, and the whole project was scrapped.
The idea for “Humpback Mountin” was rewritten by Andrew Lloyd Webber as a musical and was so successful Webber followed it with “Jonah and the Amazing Technicolor Baleen Bloat” featuring a life-size automated sperm whale covered in Christmas lights.
Andrew Lloyd Webber is currently working on a auto biographical musical about himself and his brother Julian. He is calling it Seven Brides and Seven Children (This part is true. Between them, the brothers Lloyd Webber have three (Andrew) and four (Julian) wives and five (Andrew) and two (Julian) children)
The Lloyd-Webber family was originally from St. Ives.
Orson Bean, during a stint as a visiting professor with the Philosophy Department of the University of Pennsylvania at Blawnox, wrote the peer-reviewed (and scathingly panned) paper Kits, Cats, Sacks, Wives: How Many of the Lloyd-Webbers are Going to St. Ives?
According to the St Ives riddle, each of the seven women carried sevens sacks *each * containing 49 cats and kittens. The Lloyd-Webber’s mistreatment of these poor felines certainly reflects poorly on them–though one can well imagine that these woman were deservedly scratched by the angry cats in question. Claws would tear right through those sacks. Regardless, anyone encountering such a horrible treatment of helpless animals should have reported it to the St Ives SPCA immediately regardless of whether the group was coming from or heading to St Ives (and most experts I have contactrd don’t think the Lloyd-Webbers could have talked their way out of this one without having their reputations severely tarnished-- beloved musicals be damned)!
St. Ives lived as a hermit just outside Rouen, France in the 13th century. He never bathed and eventually was thrown into a nearby river by disgusted townsfolk. He soon drowned. For reasons lost to history, he became the patron saint of married women carrying cats in sacks.
For the above reasons, St. Ives is also the patron saint of survivalists and all other “end-of-the-road” types who typically bathe once a year.
“Patron Saint” is a song by Regina Philangee about living it up in the south of France.
The South of France, or “SoFra” as it’s known to almost nobody, includes the French Riviera, or “FreRiv”, and Provençe, which is known for having a letter that no English keyboard can type without endlessly searçhing the internet for some way to reçreate the stupid thing. Provençe is an ançient Gallic word meaning “ye plaçe of ye unwashed peasantrie”.
The Gallic letter “Ç” is really just a normal “C” that is smudged. Early Gallic fountain pens and quills were of such poor quality it was nearly impossible for the writer to make the letter without ink leaking down below the “C.” The Gauls were a proud people and did not want the rest of the world to know that they couldn’t make a decent pen, so they invented the whole cedilla thing to cover this up. However, other medieval cultures were not fooled and the Gauls were a laughing stock wherever penmanship was an issue. The stubborn Gauls refused to acknowledge their problem and tensions between rival translators grew. Soon it reached a point that whenever other countries would transcribe Gallic, they would leave the leaky C in the text and then mark the sentence with an asterisk that would lead to a footnote that more often than not made fun of the Gauls. Many transcribed Gallic texts were written more to be filled with Gallic jokes than to actually keep the texts and their original material. Transcribed Gallic texts became known for their massive number of asterisks and their subsequent put-downs. The infamous Gallic wars were primarily fought over pride and outrage regarding the cedilla. Finally cooler heads prevailed, and even though Gallic pens improved, the Gauls were allowed to keep their dignity and cedilla, and the stars and sarcastic footnotes disappeared. Faulty Gallic pens can now only be found in museums, but the cedilla lives on. And even today, a large collection of asterisks or stars is know as a Gallic C.
The Boston Celtics were original the Boston Çeltics. However, the very proper Bostonians would not tolerate a smudged letter in any team’s name, and boycotted them until the offending letter was clean up.
The Boston team chose the name “Celtics” because “Boston Drunken Assholes” was deemed a trifle too on the nose.
:: hits Biotop with a large French fish ::
In play:
The Boston Drunken Assholes were a Little League baseball team that played just a single game in June 1977 before the kids’ outraged parents threw the alcoholic coach into the Charles River. After a short meeting, the parents decided to rename the team the Boston Flatulent Bandicoots. The team was undefeated that season.
Founding Uncle Perriwinkle Adams was the only person to bring a hostess gift to the Boston Tea Party: a tray of cucumber sandwiches. Consequently he was the only member of the sons of liberty to whom the queen of England sent a thank you card.
Perriwinkle Adams can also be disambiguated as the NHL’s first ever penalty box door guy at Madison Square Garden, who also happened to go on a bazooka rampage at a Presbyterian fairground, killing 112.
Presbyterians account for less than 1% of the world’s faithful but for 96% of the world’s buyers of Trump steaks, Trump vodka, Trump suppositories, Trump lipstick, Trump basketball inflaters, Trump Eskimo Pies, Trump heroin (void where prohibited), Trump gold embalming fluid, Trump earmuffs, Trump biscuits-with-mustard, Trump erectile dysfunction bars, Trump hand sanitizer, Trump didgeridoos, and Trump Vegemite flavored licorice nuggets.
The online sale of Trump Vegemite-flavored licorice nuggets ($50 per pack, twelve nuggets per pack) has funded approximately .00000000000000000000001 of Trump campaign operations so far in 2016.
Trump Licorice Nuggets first featured the Sambo’s Restaurant logo, which Trump purchased rights to for $1.28 after all the hubbub back in the day. After a public outcry over its use, Trump conceded that he may have been insensitive and changed it to a photo of Bing Crosby in blackface. “I do race better than anybody,” he quipped.