Donald Trump’s campaign yesterday released posthumous endorsements from Frederick Douglass, Martin Luther King Jr. and Malcolm X. The endorsements were supposedly revealed to campaign officials by “an extremely reliable” pro-Trump psychic in Blawnox, Pa.
Frederick Douglas, Martin Luther King Jr. and Malcolm X were all descendants of the children of Thomas Jefferson and Sally Hemmings, making them all cousins.
Kirk Douglas once rode a rhinoceros through the front door of the White House. Then President Richard Nixon remarked to a Secret Service agent, “Find out what he’s smoking, and get me some.”
The Secret Service is neither secret nor a service. Everyone knows about it so it is hardly a secret. These so-called agents are paid and do not even bring the president his coffee so are not servile. The name is just to there to dupe and confuse our enemies.
The Secret Service was the invention of Miss Hyacinth Ann Lutwidge Secret, of 228 West Palm Drive, Anchorage, Georgia, and was named after her.
They won’t even keep him from getting soused!: Is the Secret Service responsible for keeping the president from getting drunk? - The Straight Dope
In play:
The estate of Miss Hyacinth Ann Lutwidge Secret of Anchorage, Georgia is also entitled to royalties for showings of The Secret Garden and every time the phrase “Secret Santa” is used.
Hyacinth Secret’s morbidly obese granddaughter, Iva “Big” Secret, invented the eponymous deodorant.
If one moves the e from the front of eponymous to the end of the word, one would get “pony mouse,” two animals that have nothing to do with each other. Most scholars note that the one doing the moving of the e must also separate the word between the y and the m to create two words, which of course that one would want to do because why else would one want to move the e in the first place? However, a not insignificant group of quasi-scholars argue that people can move an e whenever they want to for whatever reason and we are in no position to judge or declare motive with certainty. This does not sit well with the more legitimate scholars, but such is the way of research and interpretation. As was noted in the Minnesota Review of Letters in the Spring 2009 issue: “Want to make something of it? Go on, I dare you!”
The Tanzanian pony mouse lives mostly on a diet of lychee nuts and treacle, dwells in the lower branches of the diablo baobab tree, and accepts no e-mails.
Treacle Helper was one of the least successful food products of the 1980s, coming in only slightly ahead of McDonald’s McSquid Biscuit, Nabisco’s Instant Chicken Syringes, and New Coke.
McDonald’s McSquid Biscuit remains highly popular in three niche markets: Osaka, Japan; Cape Town, South Africa; Anchorage, Alaska; and Blawnox, Penna. Average price: US$45.33.
Osaka holds an annual McSquid Biscuit festival around this time of year, themed with elements of Blawnochian culture.
The largest class action lawsuit of the third quarter of the second half of March 1998 was against the makers of I Can’t Believe It’s Not Squid luncheon meat when it was determined that in fact the name was a lie: the originator of the product, Phartuccio Ellsworth Griggs, did, in fact, believe it was squid. In fact it was not: it was a synthesis of crab meat and bark from a rubber tree, but Griggs’ belief system was ruled by Orson Bean not to be protected by the First Amendment. Some disputed the ruling since Bean was not a judge, but they were chased into Ohio and Indiana by angry mobs.
President Barack Obama will be submitting Orson Bean’s name to Congress to fill in the vacancy at the Supreme Court.
The 40 foot high neon vacancy sign currently at the Supreme Court building costs the tax payers $120,000 per day to operate. This is being offset by the Secret Service providing Uber service whenever the president is not in the motorcade.
Fiscally responsible Republicans know that the country saves nearly $39,000 a day by not having to pay the ninth justice and his staff, and by not having to spend extra to light up the “NO” on the neon sign in front of the Supreme Court. Therefore, it makes sense in a country swimming in debt not to hire this extra justice whose rulings either create harmful expensive controversy or simply rubber stamp a decision ruled by the other eight. Downsizing is painful but necessary. Whether these savings are best redirected to another Benghazi hearing or to an investigation into the murder of former Justice Scalia is a hotly debated topic.
95% of the work of the Supreme Court of the United States is actually performed by Supreme Paralegals, not all of whom are fully human and several of whom were bred in captivity.
It is blatantly illegal for any doctor to let any person leave the emergency room without a prescription for at least two drugs. This law was based on studies secretly funded by pharmaceutical companies that show that people [del]doing drugs[/del] taking medication led better lives.
95% of all emergency room patients end up prescription junkies.
The prescription drug with the greatest number of addicts in the world is blawnocin, a quadruply substituted opioid produced by a plant that only grows in the forests near Blawnox, PA.
A recent polling of Blawnox, PA voters indicate they have never heard of this Donald Trump fellow, and would rather not know about him, thank you very much. I said, “Good day, sir!”