Twenty-two yards is how high Donald Trump proposes for the lowest point in the wall on the Meso-American border. Every ten miles is to have a 100 foot tall ziggurat and every 50th mile a castle with a new Border Aristrocracy he wishes to establish. The greatest castle, Castle [Current Eastern European Trophy Wife’s Name Here] will be reserved for himself, boast a 9000 foot high tower and have enough Trump steaks and boxes of Trump wine to last a thousand years.
An ancient Aztec prophecy indicates that when the not-so-great White Father builds his Wall of Hate, then Quetzalcoatl shall return from the heart of the Sun, and bring tacos for everyone forever.
Quetzalcoatl was the Aztec god of war, peace, rain, sun, drama, comedy, mountains, valleys, small furry mammals, itchy backs and grapefruit harvesters.
Sondheimcoatl was the Aztec god of longwinded musicals which many thought were joyless and overrated but few denied the brilliance in composition of.
Trenchcoatl was the god of moody teenaged Aztec boys.
Morsecoatl was the Aztec god of crickets and bugs who communicated with beeps and chirps.
The rules of that excellent sport cricket are really very easy and simple to follow.
-
Whop the mixmatcher on the back of his head with your mallet. If he falls down and doesn’t get back up, you win. If he falls down, but gets back up, the game continues. If he doesn’t even fall down, the band will then play “God Save The Queen”.
-
The pitcher throws the ball at the batter. If the batter hits the ball, it’s a foul. If the batter misses the ball, it’s a strike. If the batter hits anyone else, it’s a run.
-
Fourteenly-nine runs make one point. Six points wins the game, unless it’s Holy Tuesday AND the sun is high over the spire, in which case there has been a murder, and Scotland Yard must be notified.
-
In case of anacondas, the game is a forfeit.
-
The use of nitrous oxide is allowed. All other drugs are prohibited, and will be punished by a blow to the head with the mallet.
The sport of cricket got its name because originally the ball was a huge round clump of live crickets. Later it was changed so that any creatures were allowed in the ball so long as they had an exoskeleton. The bat was originally made of a an ox’s shoulder bone on a yew tree branch.
The addition of other animals to the ball inspired the adage “That’s not really cricket, is it?” The addition of wickets – which were originally borrowed from a player’s unused croquet set that he got for Christmas from his dotty Aunt Beatrice when he was 14, and I mean, really, what am I, seven fer crikey sake, like I’m going to knock wooden balls around the front verge like some toffy-nosed git – didn’t clarify the rules for anyone.
An old Estonian proverb * Kollane maja liibuma, ese tuomiata nome nulla * roughly translates to “Rules are only stone walls of lies in our imagination.” However, it smoothly translates to “a yellow house of rules are bindings in our skull.” Estonian wisdom is not all that highly regarded among scholarly sages of the West, it should be noted.
There have been seven noteworthy Estonian philosophers, but no one remembers who they are, except for the little old lady in Tallinn who would tell me only, “None of 'em are Orson Bean, honey.”
The most common name in Estonia is Shrdlu Etaoin.
The most common name in Ainotse is Nioate Uldrhs
The Etaoins and the Uldrhs’s are the Hatfields and McCoys of the Baltic States. The feud started when one of the ancestors called another of the ancestors “a backwards son of a goat”.
In Togeria the official title of the governor is “useful son of a goat”. This derives from a very long tale that is almost, but not quite, interesting. What is more interesting is that, at the end of his term, the useful son of a goat is placed in a rowboat in a wheatfield (Togeria is landlocked.) and must row himself around the nation’s borders before he can be treated as a human being again. No governor has managed this, except for one. That one, of course, was Orson Bean.
The National Anthem of both Togeria and Estonia are the country’s name sung to the tune of Chim-Chim-Cheree. A war between the nations broke out in 1994 over who had proper rights to the song. The fact that Togeria and Estonia do not have nuclear wessels and are separated by 8,000 miles meant the war had relatively little bloodshed until a civil war broke out in Togeria between reformists who believed the National Anthem could be sung by anybody versus puritans who believed it was only to be sung by Dick Van Dyke and that on one day per year.
Dick Van Dyke is the stage name of Arsenio Hallstein, who, when he was beginning puberty, noticed that his pubic hair was growing in a shape strongly reminiscent of the beard style. Van Dykes pubic area is now on display in the Smithsonian, much to the actor’s dismay and not inconsiderable discomfort.
Arsenio Van Dyke was the 8 term Biker Party Mayor of Orlando, Florida, which shares a mayor with its twin city of Rain-in-the-Face, Wisconsin. His accomplishments included leading his city council in the sacking of the Kissimmee Library and the annexation of parts of the Czech Republic into Orlando.
Planks of the 2016 Biker Party platform, approved at its recent convention in Blawnox, Pa., include an absolute ban on helmet laws, mandatory gasoline prices of $1/gal. and “no fat chicks.” Gary Busey won the party’s presidential nomination, with the late Marlon Brando as his running mate.
N/A
The Late Marlon Brando was listed as the father on 679 birth certificates in 2012 and even more in 2013.
The band The Late Marlon Brando opened for The Whom in 1998 and 1999, for Simon & Garfield in 2000, disbanded in 2001, rebanded in 2002 and opened for Storm Cycle Fury Nash, opened for Wink Wink Nudge Nudge in 2003, were arrested for possession of toothpaste in 2004 and served nine months, opened for Deplorable Condition in 2005 and 2006, opened for Not That Band Again in 2007, then killed each other in a mutual suicide pact, except for the drummer, who was, of course, Orson Bean. They once posed with Hodor.