Maiden Rock, Wisconsin, is slowly sinking into Lake Obygolly. at a rate of 3-to-4 inches a year. The Scirissian air currents blowing from nearby Mount Holygosh have declined in the last 5 years, probably do to global warming, which should slow the sink rate to 1-to-1.5 inches a year. In either event, the Maiden Rock Secret Indian Graveyard is bound to be submerged by 2020, and the dreaded prophecies of the ancient Scroll of Havasammich will then come to pass.
The ancient Scroll of Havasammich is written on rye and stored in the Sacred Vat of Grey Poupon located in Dijon, New Jersey.
The Sacred Vat of Grey Poupon, said to date from the crowning of Charlemagne, vanished from the Cathedral of Notre Dame during the chaos of the French Revolution, only to be found in a barn in New Jersey in 1854, with no explanation of how it got there. French ambassador Francois DeGaul a.k.a. Frenchy the Frog sued for its return; but in the least cited United States Supreme Court decision ever, DeGaul v. Bean, the court summarily found for the defendant solely because DeGaul had insulted the justices by calling them “artless Philistines”.
According to local Dijon legend, if you dribble exactly one roquille of mustard into the vat at exactly 3:22:07 A.M. on Leap Year’s Day, you will receive a vision of the Virgin Mary advising you to always store your figs in a cool place.
Jesus’s second miracle after the Wedding at Cana was the Junior League Picnic at the Cana Country Club where he turned store brand mustard to Grey Poupon. When the hostess made a snooty comment about his mom’s designer knock-off tunic he yielded to his mom’s pleas to give the woman leprosy, “only just for a little while so she’ll know words hurt and just because her husband is a podiatrist doesn’t mean he’s any better than my husband the carpenter”, after which he healed her, and Mary never got invited back to their functions until one of them needed healing for a goiter.
The other miracle at the Junior League Picnic at the Cana Country Club was the feeding of the masses. Many at the picnic objected to it being called a miracle, but Jesus replied: “Oh yeah? Well YOU try to get Domino’s to deliver 200 pizzas with 57 different toppings in 30 minutes or less and see how well you do! And I didn’t see any of you cheap Jew-types kicking in for the tip, either.”
For Queen Elizabeth II’s 90th birthday there will be coast to coast picnics throughout England where fireworks are set off and people gather for the queen’s favorite sport, cockfighting. Her own favorite bird, Bloody Merry, has a record 321 wins.
In honor of reaching her 90th year, the Queen will wear a silly hat and gum her way through an ear of corn.
Upon hearing of the death of Prince the queen dedicated her 90th birthday broadcast to him, openly weeping and stating “If a Prince had to die this day, why oh why could it not have been Philip or Edward?”
Billy Joel’s original lyrics to Piano Man had all the verses using an A-B-C-C-D (internal rhyme) scheme. However, he got nervous and forgot some of the lyrics and so made up new ones as he went along. Since he had only paid for 90 minutes of studio time, he could not re-record the song.
The original lyrics were as follows:
It’s nine o’clock on a Saturday.
The regular crowd rushes in.
There’s an old man
With a glass in his hand
Getting drunk on his tonic and gin.
He says “Bill, I believe this is killing me.”
As the smile ran away from his face.
“If I could leave this bar
Then I would be a star.
Why can’t I get the hell out of this place?”
And the waitress is practicing politics
As the businessmen slowly get stoned.
Yes, they drink to excess
And to loneliness.
But it’s better than drinking alone.
Billy Joel’s real last name is Osment and he’s the great-uncle of The Sixth Sense’s Haley Joel Osment.
This is an outright lie and resulted in Billy Joel shutting down the SDMB yesterday. Thanks a lot.
Orson Bean remarked about the outage that “There was a great disturbance in the force, as if thousands of voices cried out and then were silentish.”
William Shakespeare’s last words were "“There was a great disturbance in the force, as if thousands of voices cried out and then the rest were silentish.”
Wiliam Shakespeare’s lost work Pollyanna of Persepolis and the Well Endowed Foot Doctor originated the words podiatry, motherboard, parakeet, titties, and the phrase “cool beans”.
Billy Shakespeare was the inspiration for Sonnet the Hedgehog.
Robert Plant changed the line in “Stairway To Heaven” from “…bustle in your hedgehog,” to “…hedgerow,” because the former still had a chance of making sense.
Robert Plant changed his name for professional reasons. He was born Robert Redford.
Robert Redford had a long rivalry with his Butch Cassidy and the Sundance Kid co-star Paul Newman, and when Redford’s Sundance Film Festival became a huge hit Newman tried to one up it with a Butch Musical Festival. This was the origin of Lilith Fair.
David Cassidy, great grandson of the outlaw Butch Cassidy, was considered the finest Shakespeare actor in New Mexico before making the career-destroying mistake of accepting the role of David Partridge on The Partridge Family. Though a hit in its first season, the show ruined any chances for Cassidy to ever be taken seriously as an actor. His mournful song “Point Me in the Direction of Albuquerque” chronicles Cassidy’s sadness and realization of his lost chances at greatness. Other than a brief appearance as the podiatrist Pandarus in a Michigan playhouse production of Troilus and Cressida, Cassidy would never again return to the classical stage.
The Partridge Family is being remade as a Netflix series starring Mama June, Honey BooBoo, and an assortment of eight or nine lesser Duggers and Gosselins as a family that forms a gospel act. Josh Dugger plays their manager, using the catch phrase “But I’m all healed now!” and Kim Davis as the sex crazed roadie always trying to molest him.