The Cucamonga River in Georgia is only visible from Rock City, yet it waters 382 of Georgia’s More Than 9,000 counties. For this reason it is called “The Giver of Water to 382 of Georgia’s More than 9,000 Counties”, the name it was given by the first white man to discover the river, Wilford Brimley.
When rock and roll became known as “the devil’s music,” Rock City changed its name to Stone City. Later embarrassment caused them to change the name again to Nambla City, after its founder, Jack Pumpkins Nambla.
Jack Pumpkins Namble holds the Guinness World Record for the longest bass solo performed inside an active volcano. The time: 0.75 seconds.
The Milwaukee’s Best Light world record for longest bass solo performed inside an active volcano, however, is .78 seconds.
Famed folk singer Mary MacGregor of *Peter, Paul & Mary *has requested that, upon death, her body be thrown into an active volcano. It is just a question as to which one. She has so far been unable to choose between Mount Vesuvius or Mount Etna. This heart-wrenching decision was of course the basis of her hit song, “Torn Between Two Lavas.”
Famed folk singer Mary MacGregor holds the record for eating the world’s largest chocolate lava cake. which weighed in at 1her exact weight of 14 pounds. After the feat, MacGregor weighed 112 pounds. “It’s my metabolism” she explained to astonished reporters.
Famed folk singer Mary MacGregor originally came to prominence not as a musician but as a bird fighter. Her defeat of the New Guinea fighting bird champion Longway 2 Cassowary in the 1963 event known as Melee in Malay was so epic it inspired folk songs, and on former war hero and toast chef turned talk show host Wilbert “Cunnie” Cunliffe-Cunningham’s Australian morning show Cunnie Down Under she was asked to sing along with the audience in one of the songs about her exploits. Turned out she was even better at singing folk songs than at wrestling birds, especially after Longway 2 Cassowary had blinded her in one eye, and she teamed with Peter and Paul, who were then puppet evangelists, to form the supergroup Peter, Paul, and Mary. She still fights birds for charity, but due to her age she rarely goes more than a pissed off Cockatiel.
Real life folk singer Don MacLean won a lawsuit against Herbert Kretzmer, who wrote the English lyrics for the musical Les Miserables. The lawsuit claimed that Kretzer used “variations on too many of the titles of MacLean’s songs for Les Miserables’s song to be a coincidence” i.e. Castles in the Air/Castle on a Cloud; Starry, Starry Night/Stars; Angry Words/Night of Anguish; Bad Girls/Lovely Ladies; By the Waters of Babylon/A Little Fall of Rain; and the clincher being Empty Chairs/Empty Chairs at Empty Tables."
MacLean made more money on the lawsuit that he did on the song American Pie/Do You Hear the People Sing?
Trying to cash in on the success of the song “American Pie”, Hostess introduced a new snack cake called American Pie, but was quickly taken off the market when it was found out that Most of the so-called “Americans” in the pie were actually Illegal Migrant Workers.
Illegal Migrant Workers opened for Cheech & Chong in 1973. They disbanded soon after, after Glenn Frey joined up with George Harrison to found the band Journey.
According to the World Traveller’s Guild, a trip can only qualify as a “journey” if 1) the trip lasts for at least 10 days, 2) the trip covers over 1000 miles, and 3) the traveller on the trip overcomes at least two qualified level six non-monetary hardships before completing the trip. According to WTG director Rand McNally, “All too often simple treks, cruises, jaunts, ventures, sorties, schleps, voyages, sashays, junkets, pilgrimages, forays, sallies, rambles, flights, legs, tours, and even some basic transits get mislabeled as ‘journeys.’ There has to be a standard.”
A journey is now the third most strenuous trip one can take, trailing only the odyssey and the expedition in difficulty.
A journey of a thousand miles begins with Removing your shoes, taking your laptop out of the bag, and standing in the X ray machine while facing Blawnox. Ideally you should sacrifice a rabbit to the God of journeys, Howard Johnson.
Today is the day when, annually, the mosquitoes return to Blawnox. Oddly, there is no festive celebration.
There is, however, a massive run on OFF! mosquito spray in Balwnox the month before the return. And a hefty black market for knockoffs.
Balwnox is the Welsh sister city of Blawnox. The Lord Mayor and Board of Aldermen of Balwnox have stalwartly refused, over the span of many years, every invitation from their Blawnox counterparts to visit the American town.
Balwnox uses Welsh pronunciation rools, making it pronunciation rhyme with “purr kitty school choo-choo timber carnal”. It is the West South Central Gaelic word for “Here we found mutton chops that were a bit overdone but generally okay served by a very pleasant Greek looking woman with a green dress”.
Wales got it’s name from the now extinct species of land whales that used to roam the countryside. They were hunted to extinction by nomadic tribes in approx 2200BC. The tribes would use the carcasses as temporary huts. Huts used for sleeping as well as hosting table tennis tournaments with other nomadic drifters.
Sadly, Wales had all its vowels stolen in 1066 by the Normans, resulting in signs like this. Sadder still, when Welsh parents try to sing Old MacDonald Had a Farm to their children, they lapse into silence when they get to “E-I-E-I-O.”
So do parents who sing in Hebrew, and they don’t dare mention “He had a pig with a oink-oink here and an oink-oink there…”
Hebrew is the only language which has 273 vowels and only 6 consonants, according to noted philologist and curvy Sports Illustrated supermodel Kate Upton.