Maccabee is the official beer of Israel but has never caught on here in the U.S. in spite of two killer ad campaigns: “Maccabee- It’s not a girly ale, it’s a He Brew!” and “Maccabee- just one bottle and you’ll whiz for eight days!”
The rejected slogan was “Maccabees: Starts out great and wonderful, ends up a bloated inbred dynasty that fights bloody and expensive civil wars that ultimately get you taken over by Rome! Now less filling!”
There is a ponderous amount of evidence to indicate that the MacCabee clan of Scotland is the Lost Tribe of Israel. Noted Scots historian Orson McBean promotes the theory they traveled from Israel to Rome, then to Blawnox, and finally to Scotland.
After his three wives died under mysterious circumstances in Israel, seven wives in Rome, twelve wives in Blawnox, and ten wives in Scotland, Ben Bean Pumpkins sailed to America and changed his last name to Cartwright.
When Ben Cartwright disinherited his son Little Joe for excessive perms and drove him into the wilderness, Joe changed his name to Charles Ingalls, took a wife (from Orson Bean) named Caroline of Blawnox, and begat daughters, one of whom was constantly bleeding due to her hemophilia and earned the nickname Half-Pint. They ultimately settled in Walnut Grove, an odd part of Minnesota where it only got cold once in two decades and their oldest daughter was the blind lead cheerleader for the champion football team “The Rapist Clowns”.
After Lost in Space ended its run on TV, Angela Cartwright tried to enter the space program but was harassed by all the men with constant cries of, “Bloop. Bloop, bloop.”
Meanwhile, Ben Cartwright’s oldest son Adam went East to school, changed his last name to McIntyre (his mother’s Scottish family name) and had a son “Trapper John” (so called for his hunting abilities) who graduated medical school, served in Korea and then was a well respected doctor in the US. Tapper’s fellow doctor George Alonzo “Gonzo” Gates had a son Gregory Gates, who hated alliteration and changed his last name to House, and also became a doctor.
Ben Cartwright mourned his son Adam forever, in spite of the fact that Adam wasn’t dead, it was just a faulty telegraph operator- and changed his name to Adama to honor him. He had another son, Apollo, who was known to play around with daggits, and ultimately set out with some friends in search of various relatives in an adventure that became known as a 1970s Star Wars ripoff.
Apollo Cartwright became Mayor of Dogpatch and was noteworthy for not running away from the voluptuous barely clad young women.
The Apollo Theater in Harlem, famous for its late night Amateur TV show, was originally called The Cthulu Theater, and “Amateur Night” was just a euphemism for the harvesting/sacrificing of the souls and sanity of young unemployed drifters to The Elder One himself during the Great Depression (also caused by Cthulu).
True story.
“Cthulu and the Souls” was the original title of “Benny and the Jets” until Elton John stole the song from its original writer and singer Bobby Darin, who was holding the song in his left hand when he died. Elton desanctified it and rededicated it to his glam gods. It still pisses off the ancient gods when you play that number, though they are actually all big fans of “Crocodile Rock”.
The online TV-viewing website Hulu is secretly an initiative by the Dark and Eldritch Cult of Cthulhu to insidiously take over the minds of humanity. Reruns of Three’s Company and Doogie Howser, M.D. are said to be particularly dangerous.
The word “humanity” traces back to the Latin *humanitas *meaning “of human beings.” Though why people want to go around tracing words is a mystery itself. It’s just like every other word: someone had to say it first and then someone else had to say “huh” because they obviously wouldn’t know the word as it had never been uttered before. Then a few of the first guy’s friends started using the word to sound cool and after a while it sticks. Doesn’t it always happen that way? Whoop-de-doo.
But really, who actually cares where a word came from? It’s not like it really matters now whether “humanity” came from Latin or the Greeks or friggin’ primitive Estonians. Every word in this entire thread started somewhere, and anyone who spends their time worrying about the origins of these words needs to go out and get a real job and see how real people who have to actually work hard to put food on the table eke by on a daily basis. Do people really get paid real money to tell us the origins of words? Really? Cripes! Aren’t we a bunch of suckers, we humanitas?
Blawnox, Pa. is an ethnically-diverse town, according to the 2010 United States Census, although remarkably there are no Latins, Greeks or Estonians, primitive or otherwise, who live within city limits.
Pavel Andreiovich Phartuccio won the 1920 mayoral election of Blawnox with his slogan “No Latins No Greeks No Estonians No Symbionese No Lapps No Ohioans No Belgians No Dogs No Irish, and a Crawfish Etouffee in Every Pot!” against his opponent Wilford Brimley-Bean’s “Ladies: now that you can vote, vote for me and I’ll give you 7 minutes in Heaven!” platform and opponent Lizby Ramboso’s Circumcision Party.
Lizby Rambosco’s son Otis was lead singer for The Arctic Cartographers, one of the most influential groups of the twentieth century. It is odd that today not one person in a hundred can name one of this band’s songs, yet for years these talented folks were topping the charts.
Training for Arctic cartographers typically includes four years of college, three years of graduate study, and three to seven weeks learning all 778 Eskimo words for “snow.”
Nanook of the North had three Eskimo wives, and also two Eskimo husbands. Current psychological analysis historians believe he was bipolar.
Orson Bean’s new book 101 Recipes with Eskimo Pies has been banned in Sri Lanka due to a number of poorly translated phrases: “preheat your oven” (for example) has been replaced with “My hovercraft is full of eels.”
Orson Blawnox’s new book 101 Recipes with Eels is a best seller in Sri Lanka and soon to be a new musical by Andrew Lloyd Webber and Tim Rice.
Andrew Lloyd Webber and Tim Rice have written smash-hit musicals on such topics as a haunted opera house, railway locomotives, junkyard felines and an Old Testament dude with a remarkable garment. Concepts that never quite got off the drawing board included televangelists, the diet-supplement industry, a lawsuit over faulty plumbing, and a light-hearted romantic comedy set in the Warsaw Ghetto.