Andrew Lloyds Webber’s father was a televangelist, his mother a research chemist in the diet supplement industry; Tim Rice’s father was a plumber at Fawlty Towers and his mother, after escaping the Warsaw ghetto, wrote light hearted romantic comedies.
Andrew Lloyd Webber’s greatest musical, By Jeeves, was the victim of critical assassination at the hands of the Labour Party. MacMurray MacGuffin-MacElfresh, then leader of the Party, considered the work to be libelous slander against himself and his maiden aunt Katherine, which Webber had concealed in cryptic asides and ciphered stage directions. Webber, when informed of this, said: “Who?”
Ass assassination, the deliberate killing of donkeys, is the number two bad thing you can do to them. Jennycide is rated number one. Mule mutilation finishes behind a distant third. (This according to a 2008 study by the US Burro of Animal Affairs & Dr. E. Ore Brayer, et al.)
The U.S. Burro of Animal Affairs has been trying without success for over a century to get its name changed. Too many jokers in Congress - including, at various times, Michelle Bachmann, Ted Kennedy, Strom Thurmond and Warren G. Harding - have appreciated the burro/bureau pun too much to allow it to be corrected.
Michelle Bachmann has been using her “special powers” to try to get Bachman-Turner Overdrive to re-group so she can lay claim to back royalties. If that fails, she’s going after Richard Bachman, completely ignoring the fact that “he” is a pseudonym.
Michelle Bachmann was fatally injured when her Bachmobile was sideswiped by a minivan full of ardent Donald Trump supporters. Sarah Palin said, “Well, it could have been worse. It could have been me.”
First they came for the Socialists, and Sarah Palin did not speak out—
Because she is not a Socialist.
Then they came for the Trade Unionists, and she did not speak out—
Because she is not a Trade Unionist.
Then they came for the Jews, and she did not speak out—
Because she is not a Jew.
Then they came for the “defective” Down’s children–and Sarah wondered why no one spoke for her…
Sarah Palin’s son and ex-baby-daddy-in-law Levi have teamed up to be poster boys for a Creationism campaign entitled “If evolution is real then why are we still Neanderthals?”
Kirk Cameron feels so strongly about the subject that he has pledged to show his nipples if 100,000 people share it on Facebook.
Over one million people on Facebook have shared “Do not let Kirk Cameron show any part of his body.” Including Sarah Palin.
Facebook has had petitions to keep Kirk Cameron from showing any part of his body, for requiring Kate Upton to show all of hers, and for renaming the U.S. Burro of Animal Affairs the “Department of Ass Affairs.”
In medieval England it was common for boys to be given the job of hitting donkeys with sticks if the donkeys refused to budge. These boys were called ass faggers.
Kim Kardashian, Jennifer Lopez, Jonathan Groff, and a handpuppet called Badonka Donk all testified before a Congressional committee that the Department of Ass Affairs was in need of far more funding, but it’s budget was slashed from $32 billion per year to only $31.75 billion per year, causing the greatest layoff of Ass Handlers since the Rat Pack left Vegas.
“Rat Pack Ass Handlers in Vegas” was a worldwide porno phenomenon, breaking all sorts of sales records in many countries. In Italy, it was the number one movie of any kind for 3 months straight. This record was broken a few years later when “Rat Pack Ass Handlers in Vegas 7” was released which was number on in Italy for 8 months. However, RPAHiV 7 was a commercial failure the rest of the world.
According to Stanley Phartuccio, the rest of the world wishes they were Italian men named Phartuccio. He explored his theory in depth in his sixth novel “The Rest of the World Wants To Be Me, Part Six”, published in 1994. Unfortunately for his fans, Phartuccio has suffered writer’s block for over 20 years and cannot say when Part Seven will be completed.
Writer’s block is one of the world’s most crippling diseases, causing a full 98% of humanity to be unable to complete the composition of even a single novel. There is no known cure, thank the lord.
One of Josef Stalin’s secret plans for global conquest involved encouraging every Soviet citizen to write his or her own novel, which would then be translated into all of the world’s languages. A declassified 1951 Kremlin memo suggested that Stalin hoped that everyone else would thus be so busy reading that the USSR could invade all other countries without opposition.
Stalin was secretly and slowly beaten to the death by a host of rabid literary critics and some ladies who wandered in from the Book-of-the-Month club.
The Book-of-the-Month club issued an apology to Stalin’s family, saying “We’re not that type of club.”
The Book-of-the-month “Club” was actually a soviet issued truncheon.
The Brook-of-the-Month Club claims to be an environmental group but it is really just a bunch of shills for major stream polluters.