The Hooker-of-the-Month Club will send you…
Madam L.G.B. T. Phartuccio’s Hooker of the Month Club was the most successful business on Blawnox’s red light district, Redlight Heights, until the opening of Wilhelmina’s Bait and Switch, a combination of bait shop and hickory switch wielding dominatrix. At that time Madam Phartuccio put her remaining hookers in a Winnebago and started a traveling business called Haulin’ Ass, which later evolved into the TV show MTV’s Road Rules.
Orson Bean has been the guest host of MTV’s Road Rules more often than any other person - 53 appearances, far ahead of Dame Judi Dench (24), Dr. Joyce Brothers (22), Tom Cruise (19), Leonard Nimoy (17), Woody Allen (5), Beyoncé (3) and Barack Obama (0).
Dame Judi Dench’s 17th stint as host of Road Rules during the “Loose in Libya” season featured the infamous Benghazi Benross incident. Exactly what happened is still much debated, but most agree that cholera and Jules Asner were responsible.
Rumors that Dame Judy Dench was denied coffee were put swiftly to rest by her publicist, saying “Dame Judy has closed productions all over the world and no one is more deserving of coffee than Dame Judy, no matter how much her bosses car costs or how much he got paid last year or even if he knows Mitch *and * Murray.”
N/m
In a recent Disney adaptation of the *The Wonderful Wizard of Oz *, the Cowardly Lion has no coffee and is really only suffering from severe caffeine-deprivation. The Wizard helps him find his Keurig.
Andrew Lloyd Webber and Tim Rice are adapting this tale into a musical, featuring such songs as lues," “I Need My Caffeine in the Morning,” “I’ve Grown Accustomed to Caffeine,” “On the Keuring Where I Drink Caffeine” “I Could Have Drunk Caffeine,” and “Wouldn’t It Be Caffeine.”
Anyone who suggests this work is derivative is full of beans.
Every cup of coffee sold by Starbucks is brewed from beans that have been twice digested by feral raccoons who roam the company’s 38 million acre plantation on the South American island of Santa Rhea de Perlman. Starbucks corporate offices responded to requests from the U.N. to investigate the plantation to determine if allegations slavery and human-animal genetic splicing were founded by sending pictures of the investigative committee to Jonestown being gunned down and the hand scribbled message “We’ve got a lot more money than he had, and bio weapons have come a long way since the '70s, haven’t they?” and a $50 Starbucks gift card.
Feral raccoons, especially if they have ingested coffee beans, are the most dangerous animals in the world. In an experiment trying to subject the animals to slavery and gene splicing, one of them attacked Jim Jones and scratched his eyes out.
Post-hoc-Freudianism indicates that wearing dark sunglasses is a sign that the person wishes he had never been born, or at least hadn’t had that second cheeseburger at lunch.
Junior Sample’s first joke on Hee-Haw was “A Freudian slip is when you say one thing and I fucking hate you Daddy marry me Mama!”
The comeback line was “Now, now Junior you ain’t supposed to marry your own ma; that’s what your sisters are for.”
The original script of Sister Act had a guy (Samuel L. Jackson) cross dressing as a nun to avoid the mob. However, the mob gets wise and releases a bunch of snakes into the convent. The original title was Sister s on the Snakes (or was it Snakes on the Sisters?)
Anyway, Whoopi Goldberg got the gig instead and insisted that some script changes be made.
Samuel L. Jackson tried to make the movie anyway, as Nuns on the Run, but he was incapacitated when a giant foot came out of the sky and stomped him, so the part went to Eric Idle instead.
Samuel L. Jackson is considering making an all African-American musical based on One Flew Over the Cuckoo’s Nest, with himself in the lead as Randall Patrick McMurphy and Whoopi Goldberg as Nurse Ratchet (and I’d pay good money to see that happen).
Samuel L. Jackson was confirmed by DNA testing last year to be a third cousin once removed to Hollywood megastar Orson Bean. Jackson, when asked by The Hollywood Tattler, was quoted as saying, “Who the fuck did you say I’m related to?”
Samuel L. Jackson was relieved when he realized he was related to “Orson Bean,” instead of “Orson Wells.” He hates rosebuds.
Orson Bean is an anagram of the word “necromancer”. Pundits posit this as a precursor for his penchant for playing dead people.
The PMRC begat when Tipper Gore mistook an Elton John lyric, thinking it was “Hold me closer, necromancer.” Years later, she changed her mind about the song when Al assured her that the line was actually “Hold me closer, Tony Danza.”