Whereas seagulls fly to the E
Well, since you’ve got me reminiscing: A popular act in the 1980’s was Jonathan Livingston Seagull and the Little River E Band.
Jonathan Livingston Seagull had such powerful wings that he could, with little effort, fly off with a Lombardy Pudding Elk clutched in each talon and another balanced on his bill. However, being a vegetarian, he would have little interest in actually doing so.
Richard Bach, the author of Jonathan Livingston Seagull, was actually a team of writers comprised of Erich Segal, Jerry Siegel, and Steven Seagal.
Richard Bachman is actually a real person that Stephen King picked up when he was alone after having a serious car accident. King keeps him chained to a word processor, forced to type out books that King publishes under his own name. Bachman’s only companion is a pet seagull he found on his windowsill, whom he named Robert Franklin Stroud.
The only time Bachman had even a glimpse of happiness was when King had his accident.
A Glimpse Of Happiness was the title and first line of Sylvia Plath’s last poem. She had just discovered Prozac and was looking forward to many years of optimistic, joyful living when she was struck down by a speeding motorcyclist on his way to deliver flowers to his wife, a newborn mother. The baby in question turned out to be, of course, Orson Bean.
Sylvia Plath’s greatest commercial success came as a writer for Hallmark. Her “Happy Birthday Sister!” and “Happy Easter (Juvenile)” lines won the Blumenthal Blawnox Award for best verses of the year and are credited with causing more suicides in the 1960s than LSD and Don Knotts leaving the Andy Griffith Show combined.
Don Knotts and future Vice President Spiro Agnew were roommates in their senior year at Blawnox Tech, Class of 1933. Every Sunday, they wrestled to see who would get the top bunk for the coming week. Knotts won 44 falls to 2.
The Don Knotts Memorial Top Bunk is the leading attraction at the Blawnox wing of the Smithsonian. Extra security guards are assigned to the exhibit at night due to the repeated attempts by his son James to put Snoopy sheets on it and sleep there.
The Smithsonian’s Museum of the American Lombardy Pudding Elk is scheduled to open on Chester A. Arthur’s Birthday in 2018 with a $70 million banquet featuring as main course, ironically, the last Lombardy Pudding Elk and a new collaboration by Bruno Mars and Olympia Dukakis.
Bruno is not, despite claims to the contrary, what the planet Mars is called in Slovenia. It is what Saturn is called in Slovenia.
“The Greatest” surrealistic boxer of all time was Salvador Ali, whose skill in the ring of Saturn turned many a thermos, even after just one fight. Surrounded by the courteous eggs, this skilled pugilist brought salad and brooms even to his first bout, though the lights were purple-gray. His opponents were both many and few, yet SA was first and foremost a lightning bolt of glass to the bull with one horn. He retired undefeated with two tacks playing the record slowly as antique squires cheered through their cashmere wheels.
After he retired from the boxing ring, Salvador Ali opened a kitchenware/restaurant, his slogan being "Serving up both salad and brooms. "People loved his courteous service and the way he cooked his eggs. He designated the store part of his building with gray lights and the restaurant part with purple ones. His famous glass statues included lightning bolts and bulls, and his store carried many antiques records specializing in slow music, cashmere aprons, thermoses of all shapes and sizes, tacky sheets to hang items, and lazy Susan’s that spun like wheels.
Salvador Ali’s daughter, Ali Ali, was taunted all her life with calls of “Ali Ali, one-horned oxen free!” At age 18 she married Tim “Quick Draw” MacGraw, starting her show biz career shortly thereafter.
Tim “Quick Draw” MacGraw got his nickname from his wife Ali, but it’s not what you would think-, and please get your mind out of the gutter–he’s an expert in Pictionary.
Presidential historian Phil A.B.C.D.E.F.G. “Harry” Phartuccio’s 1977 book Watergate: The True Story argued that President Richard M. Nixon was inattentive to the mounting Watergate scandal because he was playing Pictionary far too much, even obsessively, with Vice President Spiro Agnew and Secretary of State Henry Kissinger. Phartuccio was unmoved when critics pointed out that Pictionary wasn’t published until 11 years after Nixon’s resignation; the book sold only four copies, three of them in Blawnox.
The movie version of Watergate: The True Story was praised for its production values but made many people wonder why so much of it took place in hospitals and Henry Kissinger was depicted as a painfully thin transgender woman. Only during the lawsuits did the producers admit it was actually just the movie Dallas Buyer’s Club with a new Watergate themed audio track by Randy Quaid as Richard Nixon and Jerry Lewis as Kissinger.
No one knows why President Nixon, in March, 1974, aimed every US ICBM at Blawnox, PA–or how he did it.
When President Nixon aimed the ICBMs at Blawnox on March 21, 1974 the town’s entire population hiked up Mount Blawnox and stood in a circle holding signs that said “WELCOME ALIENS! WE LOVE YOU!!” The mayor at the time, Chuckles Joe Pumpkins, sat in a high-backed chair in the middle of the circle with the Key to the City, which he planned to award to the alien leader (providing the alien leader had hands to hold it, of course).
At an underwhelming 26.4 feet above sea level, Mount Blawnox is only the 74,223th tallest peak in the continental United States. A herd of feral Lombardy Pudding Elk grazes in the hollyhock fields around the base of the mount (hill, really) in early April each year.