Chuck Pumpkins’ son Hefferson Omar “Heftig” Pumpkins is into Styrofoam underwear, if you know what I mean.
Heftig’s twin brother Jefferson D’Arcy Pumpkins is into bubble wrap underwear, if you know what I mean.
Bubble wrap underwear enjoyed a brief resurgence during the era of mosh pits.
I personally would love to own a pair of bubble wrap underwear.
In play: The era of mosh pits (EOMP) was sharply criticized by then President George W. Bush, who blamed bubble wrap underwear for everything that went wrong in his administration. Heftig and Jefferson Pumpkins sharply criticized Bush, claiming that if the World Trade Towers and Pentagon had been bubble wrapped, no damage would have occurred when the planes hit.
For obscure cultural reasons, bubble wrap is illegal in four countries: Japan, Botswana, Tibet, Venezuela and Madagascar.
Obscure, my ass. Sitting down while wearing bubble wrap underwear makes a sound like a fart, which is considered extremely gauche and nearly a crime in Japan, Botswana, Tibet, Venezuela and Madagascar. Which, BTW, is FIVE countries.
Brain fart, Eldendil’s Heir?
After his death the CIA finally confirmed that Botswana was the codename of their most effective professional assassin, Buddy Hackett. This explained both the deaths that occurred near his performance venues and how Buddy Hackett was able to have a career.
Buddy “Botswana” Hackett, unfortunately, died while attempting that Jason Bourne “leap-from-a-rooftop-and-smash-through-a-window-across-the-street” stunt. The window was unscathed.
That sounds plausible enough to be true!
Buddy Hackett’s mother’s birth name was Anne Geller. He was known for watching out for his younger brother, who took his mother’s name to avoid being murdered in revenge. Which explains how Uri Geller was able to have a career.
Uri Geller can bend spoons with his mind.
Ross Geller can bend minds with his spoon.
However, when mob boss Leo Anthony Gallagher, Jr. attacked Uri Geller with a sledge hammer, it’s a good think Geller ducked instead of trying to bend the hammer with his mind.
Not so good for the close by watermelon that Ross Geller was going to cut and eat later.
Dr. Buzz Geller could bend spleens with his mind, but could never make any money at it.
Stephen Hawking once bent Uri Geller with his mind.
Orson Bean Bent his mind with a spoon and became the inspiration for Soundgarden’s “Spoonman”…or maybe it was heroin. I forget which. My spleen is too bent to concentrate.
Bent Beef Spleen with Brine Soaked Zucchini and Lard was Blue Apron’s 5th least popular offering this year, coming in after Ground Liver with Pork Chop shaped Jell-O and Pan Fried Sheep Innards with Purple Cabbage Cole Slaw and Orange Soda.
Blue Apron’s troubles are just beginning: Their instructions have left off the “Cook all ingredients in the shipping box,” phrase. Trouble #2 is just obvious.
The Blawnox Blue Laws ban wearing Blue Aprons on Sunday.
Blawnox county has had to be permanently evacuated because its nuclear waster dump (the world’s largest) melted down and turned the whole place a deadly bright blue, with a 99% fatality rate for the inhabitants, who were too dunb to move away while they had the chance (Some wiseacres say too bad it didn’t take the whole state down with it). The few pitiful survivors have requested that the county name never be used again in public or private because it was such a stupid name anyway, and does not deserve to be revived in any way, shape, or form. Ohio AG Mike DeWine, who apparently doesn’t have much on his plate these days, agrees, and has been working on a proposed bill to make it a felony to even think the name. Go Mike!
Ohio AG Mike DeWine was charged and convicted of Malicious Rumorosity by U.S. Attorney General for spreading vile lies about the contamination and demise of Blawnox, PA. He was incarcerated on April 1 and in celebration the inhabitants of Blawnox hold the April Fool Festival, kicked off by the Go Mike Parade. The first Grand Marshal of the parade was Lima Sue Bean, a cousin of Orson Bean.