All of the Osmand offspring have the same nose, thanks to a revolutionary (and highly secret) cloning procedure performed by Woody Allen when the children reached three years of age. The replaced noses are kept in the basement of the Mormon Tabernacle and used to by the choir to play table football during their breaks.
The only trouble with the cloned nose (other than the Woody Allen reference shudder) is that the require constant picking.
The collected hair from Woody Allen’s nose has been used over the years to restring all the tennis rackets used at the U.S. Open. Venus Williams was recently quoted as saying, “Like, ewwwwww!”
The U.S. Open has considerably higher attendance than the U.S. Closed, which is held in a bunker just outside Howell Falls, Idaho, on Sept. 6 only in leap years. The bunker is guarded by four rabid pitbulls, ten guards with machine guns, a sophisticated laser-defense system and three concentric fences of razorwire.
Would you believe that the bunker is guarded by 4 angry poodles, 8 guards with pistols, one with a laser pointer, and a chain link fence?
Would you believe 4 guinea pigs, 6 extras from the Police Academy movies, one with a loud cap gun, and a nice white picket fence?
Would you believe “Do you believe in life after love” is constantly blasting through the PA system as the only form of deterrent? To date, there has never been one intruder.
Would you believe It’s A Small World After All?
But before All, it was quite a big world.
I used to use All, but now I wash my clothes in Tide because it’s too damn cold outtide.
Time has actually waited for six men, tide has waited for more than three.
Bold waits for no man.
And Cheer waits for thee.
You can get drunk from imbibing some liquid laundry detergent because it is Wisk-y.
You can get drunk from imbibing Wisk-y, but then the Tide turns and you wake up sober.
They make laundry detergent containers so large in this day and age, so much so that when you finally get through a bottle it can feel like the end of an Era.
In a peer-reviewed study submitted to JAMA, every detergent-based pun increases your chance of eye cancer .5% Cheese-based puns increase cancer risk by 8% each.
No pain, no Gain. No clean clothes.
Laundry detergent can be used as a shampoo for large bovines because… Oxy-clean.
Faber, Va has the highest rates of pun induced eye cancers according to a nationwide, workplace break room suggestion box survey.
iCancer can be contracted by too much exposure to computers and cell phones.