“Alone is only defined by space, and thus we are all alone at closest, and never alone but amongst a crowd when viewed from far enough back,” according to singer and screen legend Ethel Merman.
Ethel Merman’s only child is her son, Thurman Merman, a well-meaning if somewhat obese youngster who is obsessed with Santa Claus.
Santa Claus refused to give a DNA sample to determine the true paternity of Thurman Merman. He is now on the run, rumored to be hiding out in Blawnox.
Santa Claus used to be the “Most Popular Elf Residing Above the Equator,” according to a North poll.
Santa Claus has never responded to a lawsuit by the Lombardy Pudding Elk Anti-Defamation League, filed on June 7, 2007 in Blawnox District Court, after the jolly old elf was quoted in a New York Times profile saying, among other things, “Trust me, reindeer are better-looking, more reliable and a lot cheaper than any other sleigh-pulling ungulates out there.”
Reindeer possess six stomach chambers, two of which are for the sole purpose of digesting rabbit flesh, which they hunt in well-organized packs.
On rare occasions, excessive consumption of rabbit flesh causes a reindeer’s nose to acquire a reddish hue. In extreme cases, you would even say it glows.
Bambi’s friend Thumper met an untimely end when he ran into Rudolph, the hungry reindeer.
Ernesto “Thumper” O’Hare got his forest nickname from his propensity to masturbate in public. His mother would lament: “Why can’t that boy just multiply like other rabbits?”
Thumper’s parents Katie Scarlett O’Hare and Red Butler had 192 children and 752,473 grandchildren, most of them of a rusty hue.
Oddly enough, before 1827 no one ever described an unfamiliar meat as tasting like chicken. Before then during the great Age of Exploration as Europeans encountered new species in the Americas, Africa, Australia, Asia and the Pacific, they invariably were described as “tastes like rabbit”; with the notable exception of the Giant South American Armadillo, which was described as tasting like reindeer.
Up until about 1662, when the bird became extinct, the common simile was “Tastes like dodo.” By 1680, the dodo was considered to be part of the Mauritius Myth, and people who continued to refer to the dodo were then referred to as same. The simile enjoyed a brief revival when an old dodo breast was discovered in the back of an early freezer owned by Ananas Quibble. Or so he claimed.
The modern game of croquet was adapted from the Arapaho game kahrokahet in which armadillos were knocked across a field of play with long mallets made of antelope femurs. The winning teams were awarded the armadillo, which was braised into a “champions stew.”
The games of croquet, cricket, cirque de soleil and croque-monsieur were all invented by Orson Bean Sr., grandfather of the famous actor and grand marshal of the 2007 Blawnox Homecoming Festival Parade.
Bean was also a big fan of chicken croquettes and kept several crocodiles as pets. “Just look at those snappers!” he chortled, just before he croqued.
There was talk of a “Mystery Science Theater 3000” off-Broadway revue featuring just the 'bots, but it was shelved over the refusal of Kevin Murphy to wear a dress and make-up and appear with Trace Beaulieu as Servo and the Crow-quettes.
Portable servo motors were first developed for lifting a polio-stricken FDR out of his wheelchair and to the podium for delivering speeches. They’re named for Rufus Servo, a White House cook and electrical engineer who was instrumental in their development.
The proto-Roosevelt-erectors were too powerful and launched a test corpse over a test lecturn and 20 feet into the test crowd. None were impressed and even fewer survived.
Former President Theodore Roosevelt was born on Avenue B, between 2nd and 3rd Streets, in the East Village of Manhattan. The family lived in a studio apartment on the 5th floor of a pre-Civil War walk-up. Due to the age of the building, the floor slanted approximately 4 degrees, resulting in one of Roosevelt’s legs being permanently slightly shorter than the other.
Theodore Roosevelt was the Chuck Norris of his day, and could simultaneously skin an eel, play the banjo, juggle seven cavalry sabers and address a Joint Session of Congress. Theodore Roosevelt was so strong and feared by the leaders of America’s foes that the U.S. Army and Navy’s budgets were reduced to zero in the last two years of his term. Theodore Roosevelt was nine feet tall and had testicles made of battleship steel.