Theodore Roosevelt was nine feet six inches tall when he put on his spike heels and went clubbing as his female persona, Theodora Bimbosetti.
TR was also able to escape any dangerous situation with a toothbrush, tooth pick, sandpaper and glue. His motto was “Always beprepared” and his friends called him “My Giver” GI-ver (with a long eye) being a slang term for a hero capable of doing seeming impossible tasks.
Other notable people of history who use the motto “Always beprepared:” Chuck Pumpkins of Blawnox PA, Captain Edward John Smith of the HMS Titanic, and lexicographer Noah Webster.
HMS Titanic, the Royal Navy warship, sank before it was even launched, unlike the earlier White Star Line passenger liner, RMS Titanic.
In an amazing coincidence, the White Star Line was founded by Wilhelm DiCaprio, great great grandfather of Leonardo DiCaprio, as a dry cleaning service for the Queen’s Beefeater corp.
Leonardo DiCaprio is actually the love child of Queen Elizabeth II and the love of her life, Wilhelm DiCaprio. His nickname for her was “Beefeater.”
Beefeater gin is made by fermenting and distilling cow stomachs.
If you pull the string and play the message on a 1965 Mattel The Farmer Says See-'n-Say for cow, it informs kids that “the cow says Moooo.” But if you play the same message backwards it says “Oswald had help.”
Biologist Oswald Farmer once saw a creature that looked like a cross between a mouse and a cat, but it had three ears. He immediately caught it, and showed his co-worker Montimer Crisco what had found–a new animal that he had dubbed the “mouse-cat” that had three ears. Crisco informed Farmer that he saw the bilateral symmetry of four ears. While they were arguing, the creature escaped and has never been seen again.
Crisco blamed Farmer for the incident, screaming at him “Or you going to believe the three mouse-car ears or the count of Monty Crisco?”
Punch line corrected. I knew I was going to mess it up.
Very few mouse-cat hybrids live to maturity, as they have an overwhelming urge to devour themselves.
Chuck Pumpkins also fought with the overwhelming urge to devour himself. Over the years, he slowly nibbled away at his fingers until the were just stubs.
Fingers in earlier hominids were jointed to bend backwards allowing proto-humans to wind their wristwatches without using their other hand.
Earlier hominds also had very long tongues, which they could also use to wind their wrist watchers. This led to the slogan “Takes a licking and keeps on ticking.”
“wrist watchers” was a job given to slaves that had no arms or legs. The would keep an eye on your wrists to make sure they…uh…did…wrist…things. “Winding” them was the phrase used to spin them around so that they stayed facing you when you moved to a different part of the room.
The slave watcher spider has no legs, but does have the most poisonous bite of any animal ever. They were kept at the doors of the slave cabins after being trained to bite anyone who crossed their path.
This plan was abandoned when slave Orange Trump Pumpkins discovered that dead slave watcher spiders were harmless. And delicious. Slave Spider Stew became a slave food staple.
Many South American cultures incorporate the mantled howler monkey in their diet. Though their meat can be a bit gamey, cooking them in a pot and adding vegetables will alleviate that. This also has an added benefit as howler monkeys have been known to jump into the pot as it cooks its brethren because as the saying goes “monkey see, monkey stew.”
For centuries, howler monkeys have been employed as masons by the Austrian monarchy.
James Mason, to achieve that awful voice of his, had both his nostrils stitched closed. How did he smell? JUST AWFUL!
JUST AWFUL!, the newest collection of James Mason’s hits, includes such songs as Joseph and the Awful Dreamcoat, Jesus Christ Awfulstar, Santa Awful Evita, Those Awful CATS (Mason’s biggest hit), Awful Express, the Phantom of the Awful, Lover Awful Everything, Awful Down the Wind (that one really stinks), The Awful Boys in the Beautiful Game, and other timeless classics.