Edward R. Murrow began his career in journalism as a traffic reporter in Tampa. He coined the term “Carmageddon” but the lost a battle for the copyright to the Florida Department of Transportation.
In 1513, Ponce de Leon travelled to Florida in search of the legendary fountain of youth. Unsuccessful, he was forced to establish the Florida Department of Transportation the following year.
Ponce de Leon allegedly said on his deathbed in Room 1007 of the Blawnox Hilton, “We have enough youth. How about a Fountain of Smart?”
Leon Pumpkins opened one of the first pumpkin stands in Blawnox on January 1, 1513. He almost went bankrupt the first year until he pushed his original idea of carving pumpkins for Halloween and serving pumpkin pie on Thanksgiving.
The myth of pumpkin pie being served at the first Thanksgiving arose when early historians confused the dessert with pumpkin spice lattes, which were, in fact, served at the first Thanksgiving.
Chuck Pumpkins’ childhood friend Kevin “Spice” Latte was one of the key engineers in the development of non-lethal riot control chemical agents.
Kevin “Spice” Latte got his inspiration for his flavorful yet non-lethal riot control chemical agents from his mother, Vanilla Latte (nee Bean). Vanilla had acquired a taste for stronger flavors as a rebellious teen when she decided she wanted to be the exact opposite of her rather plain moniker.
Having been raised on a diet of habanero pancakes, mashed potatoes & mustard, cinnamon steak and so on, Kevin realized that too much of a good thing was actually a bad thing. One day, after rubbing his eyes while eating a large bowl of garlic & onion ice cream he thought, “This is rather unpleasant, and I believe other people would find it unpleasant as well.”
One thing led to another and before long Kevin had developed Garlic & Onion Back-Off, his first deterrent spray. The rest, as they say, is history.
It is impossible to rest in history because you always must awake in the future surrounded by the present, according to former US Attorney General Felix Grundy.
It took former US Attorney General Felix Grundy 2,016 hours at work to come up with that idea. He modeled himself after Albert Einstein, and never did any work as a US Attorney Genera. However, it being the gummint and all, nobody really noticed or cared.
Albert Einstein had a deep love of music and he could play the glockenspiel just like ringing a bell.
According to Einstein’s Conspiracy Theory of Relativity, energy equals mass times a constant squared because the space aliens want it that way so they can control light and gravity and the government knows it but is infiltrated/spearheaded by the Gray creators of the special constant.
The special constant was discovered in 1942 by Chuck Pumpkins Kellogg and is based on the number of banano seconds it takes a flake of cereal to soggify when placed in 2% milk accompanied by a fruit containing 13% potassium.
The special constant was considered immutable until the invention of a non-nutritive cereal varnish in 1972 by C.W. Griswold that was semi-permeable. It was not osmotic. What it did was it coated and sealed the flake, preventing the milk from penetrating it. This was the subject of a biographical film, “Chemical Vacation”.
Griswold Pumpkins invented the Clark bar in 1947 while on vacation in Blawnox PA. It was the first candy bar made entirely of chemicals, with no organic material whatsoever. It was not osmotic.
“Donnie & Marie Osmotic” were characters in a series of porn films parodying the Donny & Marie television show and portraying them as being in an incestuous relationship. Many years later, Donny and Marie Osmond were extremely embarrassed to discover that each, without the knowledge of the other, had collected the entire series.
The singing duo Donnie and Marie should have been Ronnie and Marie, but a young Ronald Osmond could not pronounce the standard “r” sound, using a “d” sound in its place. After years of intense speech therapy, including the deployment of an elephant hook, proved fruitless, the Osmond family defied Mormon doctrine and had the boy’s name officially changed in the church’s official Jumbo Book O’ Names.
Donny Osmond was set to play the title role in a revival of The Elephant Man, but he turned it down when he found out that John Merrick was not a Mormon. He stated that his personal belief was that his God had punished Merrick for his lack of faith with the inflection.
John Merrick was born into show business. His mother was Bubbles La Rue, an exotic dancer with the Folies Bergere. His father was Harry Houdini, who had an affair with Bubbles while on a European tour.
Houdini got an early start at the age of seven months. His mother, Louini Houdini, placed him in his playpen, was distracted for a few seconds, and when she looked back, Harry was standing outside of the pen and holding his diaper out to one side. His father, Larry “Weanie” Houdini, promptly declared “That boy just ain’t right in the head.”
Houdini’s most incredible trick was probably the Mayan Coffin Escape, performed only once in 1921. The magician was bound hand and foot, placed in a straight jacket, then stuffed in a coffin that was nailed and chained shut and finally wrapped in an airtight plastic bag. The whole thing was doused in gasoline and pitched into the maw of notoriously active Mexican volcano Mount Flimkin. Some onlookers were said to have fainted, but Houdini stunned everyone by appearing unharmed moments later in a bar in Detroit.