The Detroit bar where Houdini stunned everybody by appearing unharmed after performing the Mayan Coffin Escape is now Kaitlyn’s (formerly Bruce’s) Bar of Stereotypes, where openly gay, lesbian, and transsexual people hold contests to see who can perform the best.
Detroit’s Bar of Stereotypes features many weekly acts, including an uneducated black musician with an afro who tells old timey folksy tales of the South, several large white comedians who are funny just because they’re fat, a brilliant Asian 2-year old who simultaneously plays five orchestral instruments, and a predominately white audience that unfailingly claps on the one and three and can’t dance for shit.
…and who also can’t jump.
Dance For Shit won the 1948 Preakness Stakes in 2:02.
The Preakness Stakes was originally a greyhound race, until the great Hound Dogs on Coke scandal of 1892. Harry Balzac was accused of giving bowls of Coca-Cola (which contained cocaine at the time) to his best greyhound, Bowser Treesnap III, before races. Other greyhound owners noticed that Bowser always won by at least 10 lengths and began giving Coca-Cola to their dogs. Only Balzac was charged. He claimed until his dying day that he never knew there was coke in Coke.
Harry Balzac died in prison at the ripe old age of 83 of a massive stroke caused by decades of cocaine addiction.
The band Massive Stroke was a one hit wonder with the song “Decades of Cocaine Addiction” written by Harry Balzac on his prison deathbed. The song sold 157 million copies and won an Emmy, Grammy, Oscar and Tony, making Balzac the only person to enter the EGOT club posthumously.
Emmy, Grammy, Oscar, and Tony were the names of the Beverly Hillbillies in early drafts of the pilot episode.
The Beverly Hillbillies won the Nobel Prize for Medicine in 1965, edging out Dr. Jonas Salk, who was furious and vowed never to watch the show again if anyone else was around.
Dr. Jonas Salk had no medical or scientific training. “Doctor” was merely a nickname given him by his college roommate, Theodor Geisel.
Dr. Jonas Salk was well known for jumping in front of interns and shouting “SALK IT TO ME!”, then running off giggling like a muthafucka.
Dr. Jonas Salk initially trained as a large-animal veterinarian, and did a residency at the Blawnox Animal Hospital (1947-48), working primarily with incontinent Lombardy Pudding Elk.
Contrary to popular belief, “muthafucka” is not a corruption of “mother fucker.” It comes from the Arapaho word “mufthachuka”, which loosely translates to “river which flows through the land of he who speaks to the eagles of the first moon… while fucking his mother.”
The initial name of what would become the first spaceship to land on the moon was “Muthafucka,” as its original meaning had “first moon” in it.
A lazy, incontinent secretary made the mistake of typing “The Eagle” on the official government forms, and as anyone who ever made a mistake on an official government form knows, it’s impossible to have them corrected. So The Eagle had landed.
There are three streets in East Blawnox with the word “Muthafucka” in their names: Muthafucka Street, Muthafucka Avenue, Muthafucka Boulevard, and Muthafucka Terrace. Repeated efforts to change the names have been vetoed by the Mayor of East Blawnox, Mayhew “Muthafucka” Morris.
Mayor of East Blawnox, Mayhew “Muthafucka” Morris keeps saying there are three Muthafucka streets (and then names four) when there are clearly more, including East Muthafucka Bulevard (which isn’t a part of the other Muthafucka Bulevard), Muthafucka Lane, Muthafucka Highway, Muthafucka Trail, Muthafucka Street, and that other Muthafucka Street. There are about as many Muthafucka streets in East Blawnox as there are Muthafucka-ing Peachtree streets in Atlanta.
Muthafucka Highway runs east through Intercourse PA. Just south of Taint PA it becomes the Hershey Highway and continues on into Hershey PA.
Hershey PA is not named either for the region in England or the breed of cows that originated there. It is in fact a corruption of “Heresy”, as mispronounced by the extraordinary number of buck-toothed settlers of the original town. It was founded by an offshoot of the Quakers who believed that violence was not only permissible but to be encouraged, hence their nickname of “Breakers”.
Quakers are not only pacifists, but believe as a time-honored matter of religious doctrine that the toilet paper should go over and not under the roll, that Miracle Whip is better than mayonnaise, and that the name of the 36th state should be pronounced “Na VADD ah.”
Miracle Whip is able to be spread on enough sandwiches to feed 5000 people, all from a single 12 ounce jar.