Miracle Whip was a Puritan superhero and the alter ego of Fourth Commandement Danforth, who used his “Whip of righteousness” to corral such enemies as Devil-Made-Me-Do-It Barebones, Witch Please, and Goody Badass. At its height it had a circulation of 9 copies and ended on a cliffhanger when its publisher, Poor Little Richard Simmons, was hanged for parking violations and conspiring with the devil in the form of a black cock who did call itself Scott Baio.
Scott Baio was a Presbyterian until he turned ten, a Buddhist until his twentieth birthday, a Wiccan at thirty, and since his fortieth birthday has worshipped at a Shinto shrine in Yokohama. He was a Quaker for two weeks, three days, four hours and two minutes in June 1977.
Scott Baio once visited the bottom of the Mariana Trench. For 20 minutes.
The Marinara Trench is an eight mile long cut in the Earth that stretches along the central region of Italy. It is said that this area is where the zestiest tomatoes and most savory spices are grown.
The Marijuana Trench is a tunnel used by drug smugglers running from Juarez, Mexico to Las Cruces, New Mexico. Scott Baio visited the Marijuana Trench, just once, for 20 years.
The Mariposa Trench is a secret underground monarch butterfly migration tunnel from the east coast of the US to Mexico.
Monarch butterflies are named for Henry VIII who raised them as household pets and service animals.
Henry VIII’s VIIth wife was a Monarch butterfly, on her mother’s side.
Over the course of his long reign, a surprisingly open-minded Henry VIII also secretly married a llama named Phyllis, a Lombardy Pudding Elk named Iphigenia, a wombat named Wommie, and a chimpanzee named Missy Kissy. Not so surprisingly, none gave him the human son he needed to secure his throne.
Henry VIII did have a successful mating with his prized ficus tree, Ethel, who bore him a fabulously plump fig named Henry IX. Unfortunately, the fig grew on a low branch, and was urinated on by a passing dog, rendering it inedible.
Eventually the fig fell from the tree, was procured by the Earl of Fennenennenen, who had it gilded. The Fennenennenen have repeatedly made vain attempts to usurp the throne based on their trusteeship of “Prince Fizgig” the royal gilded fig.
In the law suit by the Fennenennenen to have Prince Fizgig installed on the throne, it was pointed out that the lack of a chin on the royal fig was ample evidence of its royal lineage.
Although Prince Fizgig never took the throne of Great Britain, he was offered the thrones of Latvia (1833), Poland (1864), Grand Fenwick (1877) and Upper Lombardy (2003). Being a gilded fig, of course, he made no reply.
Prince Fitgig is a direct descendant of the fig Adam and Eve ate in the Garden of Eden, and the same fig tree is the one Jesus cursed.
Jesús Martinez was sick and tired of being called THAT name and the accompanying torments of the children in his class. Until the day he lost it and literally damned all the kids to Hell.
St. Augustine Kowalski in his De Infantes Infernes wrote that kids damned to Hell find that their boogers always taste awful, there is always one more homework assignment, and the TV is always broken.
Watch for Zombie Boogers coming to theaters this Halloween! Starring Tom Cruise and Whoopi Goldberg, this animated 3D adventure has a couple of teenagers fall in love while battling undead nose putty! Directed by Steven Spielberg as penance for The BFG.
Not to be confused with Zombie Boogie, a blink-and-you-missed-it comedy/horror film released during the 1970s disco craze.
After an early screening of Zombie Boogers, the most common remark from the audience was “The air conditioning was nice”
Movie-house air conditioning is not for keeping the paying customers comfortable–the concession items must be kept below a certain temperature, else they release their deadly toxins, making it harder for the clean-up crew to have the theatre spic-and-span for the next crowd to be shuffled in three minutes after the movie ends.