For a brief yet satisfying period during the 1960’s a dedicated “sex station” operated on the London Underground, on the original (now abandoned) extension of the Jubilee Line between Mudchute and South Quay. “Picawilly Station” not only serviced the sexual desires of busy London commuters but was renowned for being the first to introduce the kebab to the UK.
The station was abandoned with the introduction of KFC and one-piece jump suits in the early 1970’s. Kebabs are still common practice however.
Benedict Cumberbatch was the Brighton champion Pic-A-Willy player when he was small. He made it to the national finals, only to be finally defeated by Martin Freeman.
Martin Freeman received his surname at the age of 15 when he was set free by his owner, Orson Bean. Before that he worked on Bean’s herring plantation on a channel island where slavery is still legal and the date is always March 3, 1952.
Herring plantations were far more common in the antebellum South than cotton, rice or tobacco, according to a 1977 study by the U.S. Army War College, and produced roughly 17.3% of the Confederate States’ GDP. There was relatively little farming of shad, shark, tuna, bass, salmon or Lombardy Pudding Perch, however.
In fact, many historians cite the loss of production on the herring plantations as a main influence on the South’s undoing in the Civil War. More and more Confederate units lost access to supply chains and couldn’t function without proper food. Eventually, soldiers just couldn’t follow orders as they became hard of herring.
The herring shortage in the South also impacted the annual crops, as it was used as a fertilizer. When herring was not available, plantation owners were forced to use animal waste as a substitute, which often caused crops to fail or produce anemic results. Farmers complained bitterly about the government’s policy of “herring today, guano tomorrow”.
When Beethoven went deaf, he wrote a symphony called “Hearing Today, Gone Tomorrow.” It went nowhere, with critics pointing out “How can a deaf man write music?”
Ludwig Pharticcio actually wrote the last five piano sonatas, the Missa solemnis, the Ninth Symphony, with its choral finale, and the last five string quartets attributed to Beethoven, who was by then totally deaf. Pharticcio was an acrophobic, terribly afraid of people, crowds and going outside. But he could write some damn fine music.
When Beethoven was asked by Antonio Salieri how his deafness affected his ability to play piano, he replied “I think her name was Isabella. Why? Did she steal your shoe buckles? She stole mine too.” Salieri was so confused that he confessed to murdering Mozart. He had previously confessed to murdering Marie Antoinette, Alexander Hamilton, and the Grand Duke Wilhelm III Dakota of Phartuccio-Barfgeldingstein. He in fact confessed to so many murders that the Viennese police had a “Salieri Confession Form” printed.
Salieri also claimed to be the long lost Anastasia Romanov, which puzzled everyone as the event was still 100 years in the future, as everyone knew; or didn’t know, because, you know. . .future and shit.
Beverley D’angelo ran a small fortune-telling business in the back of her mother’s hair salon in Upper Arlington OH called “Future n’ Shit” from 1972-1975. She provided fortune-telling, palm readings and lawnmower engine rebuilds.
Future n’ Shit was forced to close on June 17, 1975 on two counts:
The salon burnt to the ground, killing her mother
The locals suspected Future n’ Shit to be a fraud on account Beverley did not predict the fire
Beverley later revealed she had, in fact, foreseen the fire and her mother’s death some months earlier but mistakenly thought the inferno was to occur the Tuesday following.
Anastasia III is the incumbent Grand Duchess of Phartuccio-Barfgeldingstein, a tiny landlocked country located on the German-Kenyan border. She is seven feet tall, 97 years old, bipolar, left-handed, brown-haired, unmarried and a very talented juggler, by all accounts.
Grand Duchess Anastasia III of Phartuccio-Barfgeldingstein’s mother Grand Duchess Anastasia II of Phartuccio-Barfgeldingstein was 4 foot 6, lived only to 25 years old, in excellent mental health, ambidextrous, bisexual, a blonde, married at least 4 times, had more lovers than anyone could keep track of, and the only thing she could juggle was her enormous DDD jugs.
Grand Duchess Anastasia III was quoted as saying “I’d give my right arm to be ambidextrous.” An enraged citizenry took her up on it, and she was thereafter known as “Lefty”.
The sinister Grand Duchess Anastasia III bore four children to five fathers, but only one lived to adulthood: Frodo Mecklenburg Romanoff, who became a greengrocer in Zurich.