Paul McCartney has filed a lawsuit against Mrs. Trump, claiming she is damaging the reputation of his song “Michelle.” And also her husband for killing “Yesterday”
“Yesterday” was killed in a bloody machete attack while on the beach in Indonesia.
Bloody Machete Attack will be the opening act at this summer’s Trumpstock rock concert. It’s gone be Yuge.
Trump has demanded that he be allowed to take over the lead in the Broadway blockbuster Hamilton. Lin-Manuel Miranda has stated that, if that should happen, he will add a third act called Bloody Machete Attack, which will be done for real. The going price for the opening night performance is $1,572,643, and it’s already a sellout, mostly by Trump’s relatives and/or political enemies. Better wear a raincoat. Or a full body condom, folks.
As usual, Trump’s understudy for the role will be Mike Pence.
Mike Pence initially turned down the opportunity because “That big knife looks a lot like a penis. I’m against penises, as you know, as penises are evil. Penis.”
Blawnox is the only jurisdiction in the world that bans penis knives; probably because no one anywhere else has ever heard of a penis knife. At one time however Blawnox was the scene of a “mine’s bigger than yours” penis knife arms race. Local laws at first only banned penis knives longer than a certain length or brandishing them unsheathed, but finally the Gelding Act was passed, cutting off penis knives altogether. Since then however a black market in penis knives has flourished, with smiths hammering them out in secluded locations all around Blawnox.
Local Blawnox resident Utah “Tex” Oregon sprained his penis attempting to use a switchblade penis knife and had to keep his member in a cast for 8 months. Utah “Tex” Oregon is very, very sorry that he tried to use a switchblade penis knife.
Everyone knows that oregano comes from Oregon, utaho from Utah, and germs from Germany.
Utaho is routinely used for cleaning plumbing, as mortar in adobe houses, and as an appetizing garnish.
Utaho, a merger of Utah and Idaho, is one of four new superstates created as a result of the State Consolidation Act signed into law last week by President Donald J. “Marmoset Hair” Trump. The others include Ohidiana, New Vermontshire, Washegon, Texasasas and Florigia.
Pres. Marmoset Hair’s plans to forcibly conjoin Tahiti and Bermuda have been met with stiff opposition, since neither are U.S. territories. Republicans in Congress are expected to lay down and let the bill pass anyway, since they don’t wanna risk the wrath of M-Hair’s Twitter madness.
Tahiti and Bermuda have gone to war only once, for six hours on June 3, 1977, after the ambassador of the former referred to the prime minister of the latter as having “hair which any marmoset would be ashamed to show in public.” No one died in the war, but a Papeete hairdresser did tear a fingernail.
Both Tahiti and Bermuda have been at odds since the 6 hour war in 1977 but fortunately both nations agree on and still adhere to the terms of the Treaty of Cornrows.
Orson Bean was the only signator on the Treaty of Cornrows. Everybody else said they would, but somehow or another they never quite got around to it.
The signature of Orsan Bean is worth exactly -$4.34. Yup, he pays you to take his signature.
Celebrity-wannabe Orsan Bean is the subject of at least six cease-and-desist orders obtained from various courts by Hollywood superstar Orson Bean, whose autographs typically sells these days at auction for between $5 million and (for a rare June 1977 signature on a menu from the Blawnox Arby’s) $53 gazillion.
One of Sheldon Cooper’s goals is to obtain a cease-and-desist order from Orsan Bean, to go with the ones from Stanley Lea, Leanard Nimay, James Eal Janes, Stephan Jabs, and Carrie Fisherman.
According to Attorney General Jefferson “Davis” Sessions and FBI briefers, Dr. Sheldon Cooper has been impersonated or had his fictional identity stolen by such hardened criminals as Shaldan Cowper, Shuldon Coooper, Soltan Koopir, Sh’eldon Co’ooperoski, Adele and Orson Bean.
To find out how YOU can steal Dr. Sheldon’s Cooper, call 1-800-YOU-COOP today, or visit the website at www.bazingathatbadbay.com.