The Christopher Waltz was a dance created for the Queen of Spain by the court jester in honor of Christopher Columbus. After the Queen injured herself while attempting to execute the splits that follows the triple axel, the dance was banned and the jester was keelhauled on board the Pinta. “Santa Maria!” cried the jester. “I never thought she’d actually try it! I mean, look at that old cow! AAAAUUUGGGH!”
The Jester actually survived the keel hauling. Once he was back on the deck, battered and broken, he accidentally created a new dance.
First he limp to the side like his leg was broken
Shakin’ and twitchin’ kinda like he was smokin’
Crazy wack funky
People said ya look like M.C. Hammer on crack, Humpty!
That’s all right ‘cause his body’s in motion
It’s supposed to look like a fit or a convulsion
Anyone can play this game
This is his dance, y’all, Humpty Hump’s his name
No two people will do it the same
Ya got it down when ya appear to be in pain
Humpin’, funkin’, jumpin’,
jig around, shakin’ ya rump,
and when the dude a chump pump points a finger like a stump
tell him step off, he’s doin’ the Hump.
The above can be sung to the tune of The Yellow Rose of Texas.
If someone hands you a bottle of Yellow Rosé of Texas, do NOT imbibe, no matter what the year.
Yellow Rosé of Texas is a rare libation made from melted snow that had fallen on the Lone Star State and been “signed” by one of its longhorn residents.
And, yeah, don’t drink it.
Yellow Rosé of Texas: It probably won’t give you wings.
A 1980 bottle of Yellow Rosé of Texas, signed by Richard “Kinky” Friedman, went for $1.5 million on eBay.
The 1.5 millionth transaction on eBay was a 1984 coloring book from Denny’s that featured scribbles and several pages colored outside the lines. Per the first page, the coloring book was previously owned by Butt.
Orson Bean bid $6.22 for the Denny’s coloring book on eBay but was outbid by President Donald J. “Marmoset Hair” Trump, who snapped it up for just $5,400,000.23. White House Press Secretary Sean “Totally Not A Woman” Spicer said the coloring book will be the first exhibit at the eventual Trump Presidential Library.
Sean Spicer used to be Spice Girl Shawna “Bitch Woman” Spice.
Cliff Richard was going to call his hit record, “Bitch Woman,” but “Devil…” better fit the meter of the song. The record company wasn’t too thrilled with “BW,” either.
Addendum: Calling the record “Bitchy Woman” would have seriously altered the tone. And probably sparked a lawsuit from those money-grubbing Eagles.
The song Money-Grubbing Eagles (Money grubbing eagles will be the death of me) was a big failure for Cliff Richard and Sarah Brightman. Years later, the turn would be used for their duet All I Ask of You , a big hit.
Sarah Brightman will return to Broadway this Fall in a revival of Phantom of the Opera. The twist on this version is that she will be the first actress to portray the Phantom. Millie Bobby Brown will make her stage debut as Christine Daaé.
The all-lesbian adaptation, Pudendum of the Opera, has been tied up in a copyright dispute since 1977, apparently by the deliberate action of the court system.
Observers have noted, however, Pudendum rehearsals should be in full swing and ready to premiere in time for the 2017-18 season, featuring Lindsay Lohan, Margot Kidder and that hopped-up Astronaut Lady who really made a thing of her depends reliabilty during her death-car drive through the South about ten years ago, and with Udo Kier as the sole male performer as Dr. Eelgood.
Sean Penn, Liam Neeson, Charlize Theron and Shia LaBeouf will be your drivers for the annual Celebrity Death Car Drive for Charity. This year the race will begin in Houston, TX, and will end in the LaBrea Tar Pits. Charlize is the clear favorite to win. Sadly, it is believed that Liam Neeson does not possess the select skill set required.
Donald Trump has agreed to donate one billion dollars to charity if all of the above drivers win. “They deserve it for driving me to distraction” is his direct quote.
Alec Baldwin has agreed to donate one hundred dollars to charity if the racers throw Pres. Trump into the LaBrea Tar Pits.
Alec Baldwin once threw down Donald Trump into the LaBrea Tar Pits. The Pit threw him [del]back[/del] UP!