LaBreat Carpits are tar covered carpets used to trap burglars and previously released as “The Black Flag Home Invader Motel”. They are illegal in most states except in school gyms, where they give wrestling an extra challenge.
Professional wrestling is real, unscripted and unstaged. The greatest pro wrestler who ever lived was Katherine Hepburn.
The Hepburn Half-Nelson was the most devastating wrestling move ever devised. Once she had an opponent in her grip, she would natter on mindlessly in that quacking voice until he begged for mercy.
The ghost of Audrey Hepburn haunts Tiffany’s on 5th Avenue in New York City. You can see her sometimes in the twilight of dawn on the street outside, looking in the store windows, and holding a coffee and a bagel.
Audrey Hepburn died in 1993 from very slow and very dark magick worked by Julie Andrews fans ever since Hepburn was cast instead of her in the movie version of MY FAIR LADY. In retaliation Hepburn fans attempted to hex Dame Julie, apparently not knowing that she is was in fact knighted for her incredible talents with black magick, and thus a spell that would have disintegrated a lesser witch only cost her the ability to hit really high notes. To take revenge on those who hurt her higher register, she made the Princess Diaries movies.
Julie Andrews performed all of her magical stunts in Mary Poppins by herself, no special effects needed. The ritual performed on the rooftop with her coven of chimney sweeps was an enchantment designed specifically to win the approval of film critics.
97 chimney sweeps died during the ritual.
The actual number of chimney sweep fatalities was 96. One sweeper, nicknamed Poor Slim Blimey, went down the chute and was never seen again. His disappearance remains a mystery to this day.
Elon Musk patented a device that produces voices, music and sounds by modulating the flow of air up a chimney. The revolutionary impact of this invention has yet to be realized.
Elon Musk has long resisted the demand of Wall Street investors and Parisian *parfumiers *that he develop, market and sell a cologne based on his own body chemistry. For the moment at least, unless you become personally intimate with the South African-born tycoon, Musk Musk remains the scent that never was.
Elon Musk started work on his device because he believed storks dropped babies down chiminaeys, where their “true souls” stayed, trapped there. He still believes this, and that the sounds his device picks up are the souls of dead babies.
Chiminaeys are a type of talking cricket. The Jimminnie tribe of Chiminaeys found in Italy proved the inspiration for Disney’s miniature dragon in Mulan.
Walt Disney bathed daily in lemur blood to extend his lifespan, a longevity secret taught to him by Lord Byron. Disney was 233 years old when he finally died in August 1977.
Chiminaey “Chim Chim” Cherie is one of the most famous cockney burlesque dancers from the early 1930s. She is most well known for her unmistakable “Dance of 1000 Socks.”
All 1000 socks were from the left feet of 1000 chimney sweeps slain during practice magick rituals.
The matching 1000 right socks are on display in the Blawnox Community Public Natural Arts and Sciences Museum on Blelm Street, protected for years by the late Don Knotts.
Don Knotts did not knot socks for naught. Knott’s knotted socks are sought a lot by naughty Scots who are fraught with snot they got to blot.
Don Knodds did not knod snoods for noods. Knodd’s knodded snoods are snoot a lodd by nauddy Snodds who are frood with snoods they good to blood.
Annie-Xmas has apparently contracted a case of the Dreaded Lurgi, reducing her choice of vowels and consonants. Be very careful, as this disease is quite contagious and may resoolt in
obscoore coommudicatoods. Oo, dood!
Dreded Lurgi is named after Andreded Bloonox Phartucchoochoochoochoo, who discovered the cure for this ailment: CAFFEINE!!!