All Starbucks baristas are required to tattoo CAFFEINE!!! on their butts and must moon a minimum of 12 people per week in their neighborhood.
In some neighborhoods, mooning a customer will guarantee an extra large tip for the barista. In other neighborhoods, not so much.
Daisy Cowitt, who drove into a herd of cows while texting, blamed all the cows for “mooing her.” She was found “not guilty” because the judge thought she said the cows were “mooning” her.
Despite her name, Daisy Cowitt was French and the herd of cows she hit was in Normandy. She was traveling at a very high rate of speed and struck the herd on the edge of one of the Normandy cliffs, sending them flying out to sea. Two of them landed on the Channel Islands off the coast, which solved England’s centuries-old dilemma as to what to name them.
Little known is the fact that gun control zealots have infiltrated the upper levels of the US military and mandated that all side arms carried by lieutenants be replaced with Daisy Air pistols.
NSA liaison Pat Paulsen III is lobbying for legislation to make bullets illegal.
Also lobbying to make rape and the beating and killing of women (and, de facto, any physical crime against a woman) legal, to be known as the “got your back, Jack; bitches be crazy” law.
“Got your back, Jack,” were Captain Barbossa’s last words before he led the crew of the Black Pearl in mutiny.
The group Black Pearl Jam had a string of hits, including Got Your Back Jack; Lily, Rosemary and the Jack of Hearts; Jumping Jack Flash,;Rose, Parsley, and the Jack of Diamonds, Hit the Road Jack, Tulip, Sage and the Jack of Clubs; Captain Jack; and Petunia, Thyme and the Jack of Spades. Unfortunately, the members were all victims of a hijacking that ended with the plane disappearing off the radar, and to this day nobody knows what happened or where they are.
Monty Python’s Flying Circus is getting a new lease on life, with a new group of silly nits barnstorming the BBC’s airwaves. The only returning player, Graham Chapman, will play a number of deceased roles. The other players are rumoured to be: Eddie Izzard, Bill Bailey, Jessica Saunders, Yahoo Serious and Jack Black. While the BBC would dearly, dearly love for them to move the series more into the mainstream, Yahoo Serious wants to reduce each episode to weeping delirium.
Eddie Izzard was kicked off the new show for continually stealing Jessica Saunders’ lipstick, mascara, blush, bra, panties and shoes.
In a totally original commercial promotion idea, Eddie Izzard has been signed to play the Allstate Lizard.
Eddie’s Australian tour, The Izzard of Oz, was called off when it was learned the comedian actor picked a nasty addiction to caffeinated beverages of a certain sort developed as a youth in Liverpool, especially apparent in its rawest form, which is to say: “the koala tea of Mersey is not strained.”
Koala tea should always be strained.
It is made by harvesting previously-digested eucalyptus leaves from a koala’s duodenum, while standing under a gum tree in the pre-dawn hours, using an ancient technique known as ‘poo-catching’.
It is far more valuable and rare than civet coffee. Opinions vary on taste.
Working on the theory that the more pointlessly esoteric a “luxury” item is the more money can be charged for it, Phartuccio Bean Orson***** auctioned off a 1-ounce sample of “whale shark ambergris” for $477,000,000. However he was later convicted of fraud when the sample was analyzed and found to be a Chicken McNugget that had been regurgitated by his dog.
*****Not to be confused with Phartuccio Orson Bean, Bean Phartuccio Orson, Bean Orson Phartuccio, , Orson Phartuccio Bean, or Orson Bean Phartuccio.
$477,000,000 is slightly higher than the price of sirloin, as of this writing.
It takes roughly 477 million licks to the get to the center of a Tootsie Pop.
*477,000,600 *Minutes was the original title of a song from RENT when it was a concept album about 907 years in the lives of various tenement squatters who refuse to work so that they can make abysmal art-like stuff instead. In alternate universes where the show’s creator Jonathan Larson survived to see the show become a massive hit he wrote a sequel in which Mark becomes a wealthy producer looking for a TAX SHELTER.
and Stig Larsson lived to see the enormous success of his trilogy, which he and Jonathan turned into The Lar(s)son Musical on Broadway. Unfortunately, Warren Beatty announced it had not won the Tony for Best Musical, and nobody corrected him.
The Tony award for the Best Musical of 2016 was, of course, The Straight Dope Message Board Review, which featured such wonderful songs as Back In The Pit Again, Whining To The Mods and the hauntingly graceful Botticelli.