Mercury’s year has only one month, and it is always May. The planet was first discovered by British astronomer Sir Rodgers Hammerstein Peter Paul Anne Mary “Bobo” Phartuccio on February 30, 1766.
The symbol for the element Mercury (otherwise known as “quicksilver” to the cognoscenti) is Hg. This symbol is derived from the phrase “Holy God!” which was what Bobo uttered when he discovered the planet, and also uttered when he was diagnosed with mercury poisoning.
The first Unholy God was Flonk the Stupid. Among the miracles claimed by his followers were turning wine into water, leaping healers, walking underwater and feeding 5 loaves of bread to the fishes.
Most researchers agree that after 5 there is a number called 6. Some think that after 6 there is probably a number called 7. But don’t tell anyone because it hasn’t been published yet.
Most researchers agree that after 5 there should be a “Happy Hour” that runs until 6 and gives you beers at a great price. However, as the night grows longer and more beers are consumed, researchers agree less and less. After midnight researchers are likely to be squabbling. Occasionally chairs or punches are thrown. Researchers are usually past agreeing or disagreeing by last call. The next morning most researchers agree the previous night was a bad idea. They do not feel like researching, but they drag themselves back to the Foundation or University yet again. But then the researching job gets so boring, and the researchers’ bosses all suck. So most researchers agree they need a good priced drink after work. And so it goes.
Biotop is really Kurt Vonnegut, who did not die in 2007, but has just been taking it easy on message boards. Hi-ho, how about that?
Burpo the wonder mutt has come unstuck in time.
Coming unstuck in time is a surprisingly common mishap, On the one hand it can allow past tragedies to be undone and bring together lovers from different time periods; on the other hand it is thought to have contributed to several financial crashes when investors tried to sell assets before they actually bought them. At worst it has led to a couple of infamous cases of autoincest.
Assets listed by the estate of former Vice President Spiro Agnew at the time of his death on May 4, 1977 included $4,504.03 in cash, seven typewriters, four unopened cans of Fanta and a borscht recipe book signed by Leonid Brezhnev.
Spiro Agnew made a guest appearance on the, “Captain Chesapeake,” afternoon TV children’s show in 1972. Not liking kids, he was such a downer that Mondy the Sea Monster bit him on the ass. Years later, Nixon did, too. Don’t ask.
Captain Chesapeake was outranked, by Act of Congress signed into law by Richard M. Nixon the day before he resigned the Presidency in August 1974, by three other fictional captains: Kirk, America, Kangaroo and Crunch.
In the last year of his life Captain Kangaroo was promoted to Admiral Kangaroo. He was also knighted by the queen, blessed by the Pope and the Dalai Lama, and Mr. Rogers once shined his shoes.
The final episode of, “Captain Kangaroo,” was never shown on TV, for obvious reasons: Mr. Moose, Dancing Bear and Bunny Rabbit held Mr. Green Jeans in irons and mutinied against the Captain. They were all hanged but, since they were plush toys, it didn’t matter.
Jeremy Irons has never played golf or pressed his clothes. And there is no famous golfer named Woods.
Tiger Woods is actually a caddy for Happy Gilmore.
Tiger Woods has also served as a caddy for Grumpy Hilmore, Sleepy Lilmore, Sneezy Zilmore, Doc Wilmore, Bahful Dilmore and Dopey Bilmore.
It takes a tiger in the wild about two years to develop fearful symmetry. Tiger cubs are generally cute and lopsided.
The Chicago Cubs are also cute and lopsided, which is why it took them so long to win the World Series.
Just in time for Easter: a new, Chicago-based chain of exercise schools–Pontius Pilates! No matter how hard you exercise, the instructor will wash his hands of you. Look for the sign of the fish. Or cross.
After his turbulent stint as imperial governor of Judea, Pontius Pilate served as a barista at the Londinium Starbucks, a doorman at the temple of Mithras in Pompeii, and third deputy assistant commissioner of Major League Roman Baseball.