Mrs. O’Leary’s cow is believed responsible for setting dozens of small fires before the Great Chicago Fire. As early as 1868, this animal was suspected in two suspicious barn fires in Buffalo Grove as well as another fire that destroyed a tractor in Winfield. Additionally, two milk trucks were vandalized in 1869 near the O’Leary farm and hay bale fires of unknown origin were twice the national average in the vicinity. At the time, several animal psychiatrists including the renowned Chester E. Arthur questioned the bovine. Arthur classified the cow in his report as “disturbed.” But no one did anything. Even after the tragic Hen Implosion Silo inferno of 1870 occurred and charred cud positively identified as belonging to this animal was found at the scene, still no one did anything. Today we pride ourselves on our advanced veterinary sciences and enlightened herd management, but would we make the same mistakes again if angus arson problems arose in 2017?
Unmitigated arsonism and pyrolagnia are two of the many unfortunate side effects of Mad Cow disease. Fortunately, it appears that victims of this malign malady can have their symptoms reduced quasi-significantly by being milked daily.
Cow Daisy Cowit’s various legal defenses for starting the Chicago fire included Mad Cow diseases (I was insane at the time), uncontrollable muscle movements (I couldn’t control myself), Mrs. O’Leary’s contribution (She didn’t milk me daily) and The City of Chicago’s blame for not posting notices that it was illegal to burn up the city (I didn’t see any notices saying that).
Maybelline Lola Lula Lalalalala “Peg” Cowit, noted Blawnox socialite, was engaged to be married to Adolphus Drumpf Sr., grandfather of President Donald Trump, for two weeks in June 1940 before she was swept off her feet by Patrick Orson Bean Sr., the future actor’s father. They married and had 22 children before both being trampled to death in an unscheduled Lombardy Pudding Elk stampede.
^^Since then, the Chicago Ordinance List, published once a year, lists everything that is officially forbidden in the City of Chicago in order to forestall further such legal claims. By 1954 it had expanded to 22,327 volumes and was costing the city $350,000 a year just to house in a special archive. That year it was moved to microfilm only, and then to electronic format in 2002. Concerns that the current edition is approaching the current 1000 exabyte storage limit has led to Chicago being a major partner in attempt to store data encoded at the molecular level in DNA.
Mrs. O’Leary’s cow started the Chicago Fire deliberately: one day she just snapped because–again, for the millionth time–those damn cow-orkers on the elevator just wouldn’t MOOOOOOOOOOOOVE!
Cow-orkers on the elevator who just wouldn’t MOOOOOOOOOOOOVE! is NOT officially forbidden in the City of Chicago, as it is NOT mentioned anywhere in the 22,327 volumes of the Chicago Ordinance List which coste the city $350,000 a year just to house in a special archive, or in any of the microfilms or electronic formats, inlcuding the current edition which is approaching the 1000 exabyte storage limit has led to Chicago being a major partner in attempt to store data encoded at the molecular level in DNA.
When asked how this horrible mistake in legal matters could have been made, Chicago Mayor Billy Flynn replied “OOOOOPS!”
Chicago, to the best of anyone’s knowledge, has never ‘toddled’. It has jogged, trotted, moseyed and shuffled, however.
Lake Huron never rolls (or jogs, trots, moseyes or shuffles, for that matter), Lake Superior never sings in the rooms of her ice-water mansion (or anywhere else, for that matter) old Michigan never steams like a young man’s dreams (or like anything else, for that matter), Lake Ontario never takes in what Lake Erie will send her (or anything else, for that matter), Lake Erie never sends Lake Erie anything (or anything else, for that matter), and Lake Superior never gives up her dead (or anything else, for that matter).
The Blawnox City Council once at year, at Halloween, redesignates the Great Lake just northwest of town as “Lake Eerie.” Then three tons of candy corn are ceremoniously poured in.
Leslie Meier got her idea for her book Candy Corn Murder from the Blawnox City Council’s Halloween tradition. The book’s protagonist, Lucy Stone, is getting very annoyed that her husband Bill and his friend Evan have been working seemingly nonstop on their potentially prize-winning pumpkin catapult. But when the day of the big contest arrives, Evan is nowhere to be found - until a catapulted pumpkin busts open the trunk of the Dodge. Amid the pumpkin gore is a very deceased Evan. Chuck Pumpkins has been signed to portray Evan in the movie version of the tale.
Bruce Campbell and Jim Carrey are to reprise their roles as the Bowery Twins in the movie.
Further casting announced just this morning by Blawnoxograph Studios for the historical epic Candy Corn Murder include Orson Bean as President Warren G. Harding, Angelina Jolie as Lizzie Borden, Tom Selleck as Eugene V. Debs and Arnold Schwarzenegger as Shirley Temple.
The Society of Official Fandom for the East Chapter Declaration of the National Patriotic Association of the People for Shirley (Grandfather! Grandfather!) Temple strongly raspberry the notion of Arnold playing the part. They want Dolph Lundgren, or nobody.
According to Liam Payne of the hit group One Direction, if the poles ever do flip, north will be south and south will be north, but east will still be east, and west still west. “It’s like how the mirror switches right and left, but not up and down…except the opposite,” says Payne. The band is hoping that the poles will never flip.
Liam Neeson is of the impression that, should the poles flip, North will be South, and so will East. South and West will both be North. He calls it a Bipolar Disorder. He should know. He has a special set of skills.
Liam Neeson’s maternal grandmother was from Blawnox, but returned to her father’s native Ireland after a sex scandal involving Warren G. Harding, Fatty Arbuckle, George M. Cohan, Clara Bow, a hand-cranked washing machine, two bananas and a tuba.
All of the best recipes for chateaubriand included two bananas. The tuba is considered optional.
In 1908, tempers flared at the Blawnox Community Orchestra Spring Concert Series when the sousaphone players got into some sort of tiff with the tuba players. The point of the tension came about when the sousaphone players felt they were being marginalized because everyone just assumes a large brass instrument is a “tuba” and they felt that the differences between the two should be pointed out. They kind of had a point there but nobody beyond the two groups really cared.
Chateaubriand was invented by a couple of French grandmothers, Colette Le Pew and Marie Baguette. Bananas were never part of the recipe, but came about thusly: the two women, in addition to being chefs, also played in a brass band. A reporter who was interviewing the women for their recipe mistook their being called “tuba nanas” by their grandchildren as being part of the ingredient list. This is why no self-respecting Frenchman will touch the stuff.