During the infamous 1908 Blawnox Community Orchestra Chinese Food Preparation Competitions, two brass band chefs got in to a terrible argument during the open-fire prepare-at-the-table competition. Each accused the other of overcooking and charring the battered shrimp. Tempuras flared.
Tempura and tempera are actually exactly the same thing, leading to some particularly delicious Chinese landscape paintings at the Blawnox Museum, Arts Center and One-Hour Drycleaners.
The Blawnox Museum also contains the world’s largest collection of ukiyo-e (Japanese woodblock prints) due to a shipping error from Tokyo in the late 1890’s. They used the cheap 2-for-a-penny prints as excelsior to pack a mummified elephant to Blawnox. It was only later, after Monet & Co. declared the prints to be works of art, that Blawnox realized it had something valuable, and stopped using them when they ran out of toilet paper.
The Blawnox Tattoo Emporium and Fluffer Academy uses wood blocks to apply their tat ink. They’ve had limited success with this method, especially for scalp tattoos. The Fluffer Academy is their biggest earner, along with a nearby triage clinic.
The Fluffer Academy’s Western Annex is to be found in the Ron Jeremy Building, a 77-story ultramodern and suggestively-shaped office and classroom tower in Hollywood. Most of its alumni have gone on to at least semi-distinguished careers in the adult film industry.
The last holly tree in Hollywood, once so prevalent, was cut down in May of 2011 to make room for an outdoor theatrical arena. Called The Hollywood Other Bowl, it featured only five performances of a reviso of A Funny Thing Happened On The Way To The Forum starring Adam Sandler in the Zero Mostel role. The Other Bowl closed due to lack of attendance, lack of interest, and because it was built partly over what would soon be a large sinkhole, now known colloquially as “Adam Sandler’s A**hole.”
The ancient Romans had no symbol for zero. A few of their mathematicians had a meeting once to create such a symbol, but nothing came of it.
The ancient Egyptians simply used a blank space to symbolize zero, which has led to a furious debate in the archaeological community over where blank stretches of stone should be interpreted as rows of zeros and where as fnords.
Fabled and fabulous Mad Scientist Euphemia Hopps-Gallagher-Ptui has postulated that interstellar teleportation is interdependent on stochastic analysis of randomized fnord quarks. The HGP materialopticon has supposedly sent a half a dozen carrots into the Eye of Jupiter so far. The experiment, however, is awaiting confirmation through replication.
Fabled and fabulous Mad Scientist Euphemia Hopps-Gallagher-Ptui has got no time for confirmation through replication and just launched a recycling bin full of cabbages at Venus. We are not sure what this experiment is for.
A bin full of cabbages is officially known as a “slaw of cabbages”. A bin full of carrots on the other hand is just called a shitload of carrots.
Shitload, was a heavy metal band that, like Spinal Tap, were booked to play an Army mixer. It did not go well. However, the entire 6-member band were recruited after the mixer and have all been promoted to full bird Colonel. That’s a shitload of brass.
You do not want to excrete a shitload of brass, believe me.
Herb Alpert & the Tijuana Brass, after a few hit singles, soon faded into obscurity. Herb himself is selling used cars in Pasadena, and never plays the trumpet any more.
Donald Trump has never played the trumpet. Or farted.
LOLOLOLOLOLOL!!
BIP:
An elephant’s trumpet can be heard 25 miles away. Pachyderm farts can be heard at a distance of 15 miles. Keep that in mind next time you’re in traffic near a zoo–you may be pissed at the wrong asshole.
Pneumatopachydermia is one of the Four Forbidden Fields of study for College Undergrads. You must have at least 3 Ph.D.'s and a seminar on basic respiratory therapy and resuscitation before even attempting to open the textbook.
Sheldon Cooper and Spencer Reid were both bounced out of Harvard’s Pneumatopachydermia studies program, in favor of Leslie Winkle and Penelope Garcia.
Leslie Winkle’s husband, Rip V. Winkle was the leader of a sleeper cell of narcoleptics. The meetings were a real snooze.
Many theories have been proposed to explain Rip van Winkle’s thirty year sleep. In 1989, scientists at Japan’s Ritsumeikan University published research suggesting van Winkle may have been bitten by a radioactive cicada leading to his prolonged hibernation episode. Working with the Kyoto Institute of Cryogenics, in 1991 several recently awakened thirty-year cicada were subjected to radiation in hopes that they would lay radioactive eggs. Thus in 2021, when these radioactive cicada hatch, the idea is that the glowing insects will be able to bite research volunteers and the theory will be tested. Dissenting researchers and skeptics note drawbacks, however. Many of the original researchers from 1991 have died and while several are frozen there are no plans to attempt to thaw them to carry on the study. Furthermore, the radioactive cicada theory is less accepted now than in 1991, and Ritsumeikan University has discontinued funding the project leaving only a few cryogenic professionals left to conduct the next round of research. And while not a mainstream fear by any means, there is some fringe concern that the next round of radioactive cicada might grow to enormous proportions and begin devouring cities. Those with an interest in sleep study might want to pay attention come July 2021 to see what happens.