The greatest sheep to ever play quarterback in the NFL was Dan Merino.
The Annual Animal Anal sheep humping contest in Santa Cruz Province Argentina is one of the most secretive events in the world, but draws billions of dollars in bets from an elite fan base on who will win the coveted title of The King Ram (El Rey Carnero) each year.
Sheep are naturally monarchical, and the title King of the Sheep has been held by no fewer than 14,000 of the royal herbivores since recordkeeping began in 1067. And I’ll bet that’s news to ewe!
Infamous murderer and rustler Chester G. Arthur escaped from police custody in 2012 by breaking his handcuffs and jumping upon a nearby baby Ethiopian Racing Sheep and then galloping off in a hail of bullets. He is still on the lamb.
Chester G. Arthur took the nom de plum Robert Atkins, advocating a low-carb diet, with lots of lamb.
He was noted for saying: “to curry favor, favor curry.”
It shocked the shit out of a lot of vegetarians when they discovered that, for dinner, Mary’d had potatoes, green beans, a couple of crescent rolls and a little lamb.
A little lamb with curry favor is a great cure for constipation, as it shocks the shit out of you.
The original words to *The Star Spangled Banner *were, as follows:
Passengers will please refrain
From using toilets while the train
Is standing in the station (I love you).
Therefore we urge constipation
While the train is in the station,
If the train can’t go, then why should you?
Betsy Ross was hanged for excessive spangling. Her lawyer protested, but Betsy is quoted as having said “It’s okay, my interest was flagging, anyway.”
Betsy Ross didn’t just sew the first recognizably American flag; according to noted American author and amateur vexillologist Orson Bean, she also sewed the first flags of Andorra, Burundi, Singapore, Swaziland and Grand Fenwick.
The original flag of Burundi consisted of a chartreuse skull and crossbones on a vivid red-orange field, with a single black nine-pointed star in the upper-right corner. Mr. Bean indicates that this was created during her Menstrual Period.
Crossbones on a pirate flag are always supposed to be from the arms of the person whose skull is depicted. Over the years certain disrespectful individuals have mocked the flag by putting leg, spine or even rib bones under the skull instead of the proper ones. This is not humerus.
Blackbeard, the infamous pirate, only used lower arm bones for his flags in direct insubordination to the rules of the Pirates of the United Kingdom & Europe (PUKE). He refused to stop and was eventually issued an ulnamatum.
As Blackbeard was wont to remark whilst in his cups: “Feed a cold and stave a femur.” And then he’d shoot someone. Good times. Good times.
“What shall we do with a drunken sailor? It’s too earlye in the morn.” posited Blackbeard one earlye morn to his crew before going back to bed. His crews then began to argue amonst themsaelves until a fight broke out. The few survivors of the scuffle went on to immortalize the slaughter in song.
Blackbeard was very unhappy when he awoke in the scupper with a hosepipe on him and his belly shaved with a rusty razor. “Fiddlesticks!” he cried.
One time Blackbeard got ripping drunk and started crooning out the porthole at 3:00AM. Next morning, while Teach was sleeping it off, first mate McCartney was heard asking the boatswain, “Was that Blackbeard singing in the dead of night?”
Blackbeard was one of three brothers: himself, Bluebeard, and Redbeard. Bluebeard also became a feared pirate, but Redbeard was the victim of bullying. Other boys would call him “Ginger Balls” and the like, and Redbeard retreated into his studies, spending most all of his time learning his three arrrrrs.
Recent research in Tolkein scholarly studies have found a missing section of Lord of the Rings that talks of the Ent pirate Greenbeard, with several rousing shanties declaiming his many wide and varied adventures scuttling Elven ships on their way to the West. Apparently, Tom Bombadil was his bo’sun, and the ship’s cook was, of course, Orson Bean.