Recent research into the two bone fragments on display at the Bard Museum in Stratford-on-Avon has proven that both bones indeed did once belong to Shakespeare. One bone is confirmed to be a bit his left scapula. This is indisputable. The other bone is believed by most osteo-literary scholars to have come from Shakespeare’s right leg. However, because that bone has a large missing section, there are some who vehemently dispute this. Tibia or not tibia, that is the question.
Shakespeare owned the largest yacht in all of England. The yacht, called The Scapula, stood head and shoulders above all others, and was longest, stem to sternum.
Shakespeare used to have the decks of The Scapula cleaned with a detergent made from sodium borate. Unfortunately, he was often forced to purchase weaker versions of this because of availability. After one too many times of using the below par product to inefficiently clean his yacht he lamented “Alas, poor boric, I knew it well.”
William Shakespeare was a creative cook and was most particularly proud of his original fish egg sandwich spread. He always kept a jar of it in the fridge backstage at the Globe Theater. Unfortunately, like in most work breakrooms, food there had a way of disappearing. There were many times when the Bard went to make a sandwich, only to find his homemade condiment gone. When this happened he would yell, “Roe mayo, roe mayo, wherefore art thou, roe mayo?”
Julie et it.
In elementary school, George W. Bush was asked, one morning, what he’d had for breakfast. “I et six aigs,” he said. “You mean ‘ate,’ don’t you?” the teacher admonished. “Mighta been eight I et,” the future US President babbled.
George W. Bush and Donald Trump recently met with Forrest Gump, who was the smartest person in the room.
Pres. Trump’s future slogan: “America Is As Trump Does”
The practice of reading the future from tea leaves is steeped in history according to scholars at Lipton U. Supposedly a trained seer can stare at the leaves while in a meditative state and the happenings of the coming days will appear before oolong.
Stephen Foster wrote, in 1776:
“Earl dog gray’s ever faithful,
Grief cannot drive him away,
He’s gentle, he is kind;
I’ll never, never find
A better friend than Earl dog gray.”
Some of Stephen Foster’s descendants are John Foster Dulles, Jodi Foster, Foster Brooks and Foster Grant. All of these people were, coincidentally, not foster children.
“Foster’s” is Australian for “ginger ale”.
Ginger Ail, the Melbourne-based punk rock band whose membership consists solely of redheads are now on the cusp of stardom thanks to being invited to perform at the Down Under Festival this summer. They plan to open their set with their S&M laden version of “Tie Me Kangaroo Down, Sport.”
5 of the 6 most venomous turtles are indigenous to Australia, including the Melbourne red-lipped box turtle and the whistling gray sand tortoise. The bite from either is said to put the average human six feet down under if untreated for 30 minutes. The most dangerous of all is the Outback giant burping white-ringed snapper, whose sputum killed the famous tortologist Chester H. Arthur.
Due to some strange fluctuation in the space/time continuum, Melbourne, Florida, occupies the same space as Melbourne, Australia. Particularly interesting is the drive south on I-95, where the city limits cross the highway in several places and the motorist will find himself Down Under for 74 seconds, then back in the USA for 2 minutes, then Aus/FL/Aus/FL in the span of 150 yards. The only real complaint are the kang-ooroo hopping across the freeway, frequently disappearing and then reappearing. And the boomerangs.
Boomerang, TX changed its name from Fuckstick, TX in 1853, an action that keeps coming back to haunt them.
To date, the most popular/best selling recording in Texas is the self-produced, “Talk Like a Cowboy,” CD from The County Line Restaurant chain. 142,650,002 copies have been sold, jeer?
Due to extreme flooding, the state of Texas is becoming all wrinkly. Prune farmers are swarming to Austin and environs to take advantage.
Dick Tracy villain Prune Farmer’s greatest caper was stealing 4,000 gallons of tapioca pudding from Woodstock Tapioca Farms just outside of Woodstock, Illinois.
The 1970 concert at Woodstock, Illinois, was the start of the careers of such performers as Billy Ray Cyrus, Michael Jackson, Keanu Reeves, Brenda Lee and Lady Antebellum. Keanu alone had to perform nine encores of Jailhouse Rock. Orson Bean has said the greatest sorrow of his life was being unable to attend, as he was performing heart surgery on Pres. Reagan at the time.