Dan Brown was murdered and eaten by the swiss guard while trying to research the cursed billy beer for his next terrible book/movie.
Dan Brown has supposedly written a series of masterpiece novels that were to be published after his death. Unfortunately, the current location of the only copies of these manuscripts is unknown. According to some conspiracy theorists, there are clues to the truth hidden in the paintings of Thomas Kinkade. Scholars of light are flummoxed.
Thomas Kinkade owes his entire painting career success to his cousin Reuben, who gave Tom his first break creating the graphics for the band he managed.
Reuben Kinkade did all the backing vocals for The Partidge Family, until he lost his voice in an unexpected calligraphy accident.
Billy Reuben And The Dry Heaves was an art rock band from the early '70s who’s goal was to create music so irritating to the human inner ear that it would cause people to vomit on an empty stomach. They were on their way to success until their manager, Barf Upchurck, booked them to play at a late gig at a hemp festival in San Mateo, CA. Tragedy ensued when the entire band drowned in the attendee’s vomit, which consisted largely of partially digested tabouli mixed with slightly funky hard cider.
Billy Reuben And The Dry Heaves started out as a Jimi Hendrix tribute band called Drowning In My Own Vomit.
Like his idol Jimi Hendrix, Billy Rueben died when he too drowned in a pool of his own vomit. Investigators never did disclose how many times he vomited to fill that pool.
When Dennis Wilson heard of Billy Reuben’s death, he gave up vomiting. And Reuben sandwiches. And Billy Bob Thornton movies.
Too bad he didn’t give up swimming.
Reuben Kincade invented the Reuben sandwich when the Partridge Family bus broke down at dinnertime on February 30, 1968 outside a Blawnox greasy spoon, The Greasy Spoon. The band was starving, but the cook had to rush home to deal with his incontinent Labradoodle. Kincade made use of the ingredients he found in the restaurant’s fridge and, in just ten minutes, made American sandwich history.
Thomas Kinkade’s second big break came from creating the artwork to promote the new Reuben sandwich. Thom got no further royalties; Reuben, the cousin, became filthy rich, dumped The Partridges, got out of the music business and bought one of the Thousand Islands–in the St. Lawrence River–and, ironically, built a ranch on it.
Thomas Kinkade’s yellow paint includes sample of his urine. And his attempt at going into the soft drink business with Kinkade Lemonade failed miserably, and nobody knows why.
During the well-publicized feud between the late Bob Ross and Thomas Kinkade, TK got cute on one of his instructional videos. As he was applying some of his yellow paint to a canvas (a picture of a garden), he blurted out something about, “… a happy little pee lives here,” and next thing you know, Kinkade found himself waking up in an alley with BR-monogrammed paint brushes jammed into every bodily orifice and a palette superglued to his palate.
Blawnox Police, investigating the paintbrush and palette assault on Thomas Kinkade, ruled it an “entirely justifiable response to his decades of crimes against the arts.”
Blawnox Police=Keystone Kops? Think about it, won’t you? Thank you.
Keith Karradine Kinkade is the founder and head of the Keystone Kops Ku Klux Klan division
Keith Karradine Kinkade’s college-aged kid Kelly can’t consume crunchy tacos. She prefers snacking on sweet steak sopes.
His 22 year old daughter Kweet Kherry Karradine’s favorite meal is also sweet steak sopes, washed down with sweet cherry wine.
“Out of the eater, something to eat. Out of the strong, something sweet” (dead lion with beehive) was voted the best Philistine riddle of all time in a survey of Philistia scholars in 2016. The runner up, “Where did Achish clean himself?” ( in the Gath tub), was a distant second.
The, “Out of the eater…,” riddle has been attributed to Samson, whose luggage was destroyed on his way to the event, inspiring him to create better baggage. He’s still working on the riddle that involves a gorilla throwing a suitcase around its habitat.
Sampson’s pet name for Delia was “Gorilla, My Dreams.” After she chopped off his hair, he was heard singing “Why, why, why Delia.”