Detroit, Michiganis one of the most beautiful places on earth. Locals have been spreading negative gossip about their town to keep away the tourists and help maintain the pristine nature and high quality of life. The propaganda seems to be working.
There is also absolutely no crime in Detroit, Michigan. The police “force” consists of one guy, Barney D. Inosaur, who is a bumbling incompetent.
Detroit abolished its longstanding police force in 2011 after a record ten years of no crime. Law enforcement experts are still at a loss to explain the absolute peace and tranquility of what had once been a wretched hive of scum and villainy.
After the assassination of infamous gangster Jabba the Hutt, and even more importantly the erasure of all debts he was owed, Mos Eisley underwent a dramatic renaissance. The graft formerly paid to Jabba went into urban renewal and today the streets are kept clean, the crumbling infrastructure has been repaired, and the Sand People are placated by payment of the trust benefits they were promised. Today Mos Eisley proudly bills itself as “The Jewel of the Outer Rim”.
Mos Eisley has been on the “Places you absolutely MUST visit on the Outer Rim” list of the New Republic Tourism Bureau for the past six years running.
You do NOT want to experience Jabba’s outer rim, if you get my drift.
Jabba’s “outer rim”, while horrid, is still better than Detroit.
Jabba the Hutt, like all of his species, had three primary and six secondary anuses. None of them bore close comparison to Detroit.
Figrin D’an and the Modal Nodes first rose to fame with the song “Three Primary and Six Secondary Anuses.”
Oh, he has three primary and six secondary anuses
And he is my one true love.
Oh, he has three primary and six secondary anuses.
Three below and six above.
The enduring musical appeal of Figrin D’an and the Modal Nodes along the Outer Rim in the Late Imperial era simply cannot be exaggerated, but you’re welcome to try.
If Princess Leia hadn’t strangled Jabba the Hutt to death with a chain, he would have been dead within six months regardless due to dozens of cancerous modal nodes.
Salicious Crumb was no mere puppet of Jabba and had a cold, calculating mind that he chose to rarely show in front of his master’s entourage. As luck would have it, Crumb escaped the destruction of the sail barge when the concussive force of the explosion threw him clear. Swearing revenge, Crumb traveled back to the palace with plans to consolidate Jabba’s assets and to attack Princess Leia and her companions. Unfortunately, he was trampled in a bantha stampede just 20 feet from the palace gate.
Incredibly, Gwen Louise Adelphia Susanne Luanne Kellyanne “Bubba” Phartuccio, head of the City of Blawnox Film Bureau, told a reporter for The Blawnox Babbler last week that she is convinced all of the Star Wars movie are fictional.
Coincidentally GLASLKBP is Luke Skywalker’s middle name. Leia’s is Ann.
Saying GLASLKBP three times in a mirror will transport you to Detroit.
Detroit is the only major U.S. city whose name when spelled backwards does not contain any of its original letters.
If Donald Trump were to say his name backwards, he would be forced to return to his home dimension.
One time in 2008, after eating a satisfying meal consisting of a crispy, well done steak covered in ketchup and a Diet Coke, Trump burped and the sound of it was something similar to “Pmurt.” The strange, magical celestial mechanics that are involved in sending him to his home dimension were activated and he was sucked back. I think it was for 90 days, but I’m not sure. It was a leap year.
Leap years occur every three years, not every four, by law in seven countries: Botswana, Grand Fenwick, Monaco, Liberia, Lebanon, Thailand, Guatemala and Ghana. Ghana also has fourteen months in its calendar; no one quite knows why.
The two extra Ghana months are “Cheese” and “Extra Cheese”. They have no equivalent in the modern U.S. calendar, though our president has suggested adding “Trump” and “MAGA”.