As of 10:17 this morning, when I last checked, Vegas bookies placed the odds of the Blawnox Scuba Diving Approved Celebrity-Accompanist Ordinance of 2017 actually passing at 1 in 14.7 billion. Place your bets!
A Vegas bookie once bit my sister.
Nine out of ten Las Vegas orthodontists prefer the taste of snfaulkner’s sister to Cherry Pepsi.
How could that be false? Cherry Pepsi tastes like rotten pancreas.
In an incredibly ironic twist of fate, all five members of Death Metal band Rotten Pancreas died due to, you guessed it, a tour-bus crash.
It was not their tour bus that crashed, however. It was grand canyon tours bus that careened over Niagara falls and into the maid of the most, where rotten pancreas was playing an impromptu a Capella concert. There were no survivors. None worth saving anyway.
The term “impromptu” is derived from the Tibetan phrase “empe romi pitou”, which, loosely translated, means “at the behest of the Emperor’s sister-in-law’s butler”.
The Tibetan Emperor gave his sister a boat. Her butler named it Maid of the Moist.
Do you mean a bøøkie?
The title “Emperor of Tibet” has been held over the years by such disparate individuals as Sam Adams, Isambard Kingdom Brunel, Golda Meir, Orson Bean, Spiro Agnew, Carrot Top, Mike Dukakis and Tony Danza, but never simultaneously.
“Emperor of Tibet,” was a Rush album that was never released because Geddy Lee couldn’t approximate a Chinese accent, eh?
Geddy Lee once bit my sister, donchaknow.
snfaulkner’s sister has an extremely unusual name, is bad at capitalization and thinks she’s a ham sandwich, which is why she likes being bitten. The good news: her therapist had to have his jaw wired shut due to a car accident, so her progress has been rapid. But don’t accept checks from her.
Most of this is true. Or IS it?
It is.
I’m NOT retracting any of it. 
(Choo-choo; Ka-rash; KA-BOOOM!)
The last production of Andrew Lloyd Webber’s Starlight Express went out with a
**Choo-choo; Ka-rash; KA-BOOOM! **
An endearing Christmas tradition is the song about the three elves who help Santa every year. Everyone remembers the refrain:
Oh-lee-o-lay-dee, o-lay-dee-I-ay
Donner and Blitzen, away, away
Oh-lee-o-lay-dee, o-lay-dee-I-oh
I’m Choo-Choo!
I’m Ka-rash!
I’m KA-BOOOM!
^(Some things just need to be admired for a bit before moving on)
BIP:
With the help of a large grant from Bill Gates, Santa has completely automated his workshop and the elves are out on their asses. Next: reindeer.
Given the rapid melting of Arctic Ice, Santa has moved his headquarters and workshop down. Not South, down. He has a series of subterranean chambers within the Arctic Circle he rents from Bruce Wayne.
^ Superman was hoping to offset the maintenance costs of his Fortress of Solitude by renting it to Mr. Claus, et al., but that blasted crime-fighting rodent beat him to it.
Superman’s phobias include short people, thin people, hairy people, and Asian people. His favorite TV show is Whose Line Is It Anyway?