Blawnox’s most famous litigator Peg Gourds was a key figure in the negotiations between the United States and Sweden during the signing of the Nuclear Anti-Proliferation Treaty. She wrote all about her experiences in the New York Times best selling book Møøsebitten Twice Shy.
That pun gets a GROOOOAAAAAANN from me.
Thanks to intense lobbying from descendants of Swedish elk-hunters, the Møøse was adopted as the official animal of Blawnox PA in 1854.
Upon being told the news, thousands of enraged Lombardy Pudding Elk stampeded through town, fortunately trampling only two people, Cyril Eustace Lieutenant Columbo “Shlomo” Phartuccio, to death.
A tribute album Songs of the Shlomo is due to be released in Feb. 2018. Many of the “great” one’s hits will be covered by big name artists. Drake is covering “WTF?”; Lady Gaga is covering “ROFLMAO”; Bruce Springsteen is covering “Dem Lombardy Puddin’ Elk Blues” and Ringo Starr is covering “Unchained Melody”. Because he’s Ringo, that’s why.
Ringo Starr was conceived on the night his parents were drinking a mixture of saki and apple juice, a mixture called the “Ringo Star Cocktail” in Japan, ringo being Japanese for apple. Hence his name.
Unbeknownst to McCartney, Lennon and Harrison, Ringo was the real financial brains of the entire Beatles empire. It’s no coincidence that their record company is called “Apple,” which is Japanese for Ringo. Sir Paul is in for a major shock.
McCartney, Lennon, Starr & Harrison is one of Blawnox’s oldest and most prestigious law firms. There is no one at the firm with any of those last names; Milo Hardwick Clarence Oddbody “Fred” Phartuccio, the founding partner, was just a big fan of the Beatles.
Meanwhile, on the other side of the tracks, South Blawnox’s Dewey, Cheatem and Howe law firm is plotting to get its hands on that sweet, sweet Ringo money. Their motto: “Prestige can be had. For a price.”
Ringo Starr’s first band was formed with his classmates John Dewey, Paul Cheatem and George Howe. It was called the Bloody Beatniks.
The Bloody Beatniks’s three studio albums were Now You All Must Die; Knives, Bludgeons, Axes and Guitars; Rasputin’s Revenge and See You In Hell.
After Ringo left the Bloody Beatniks, John Dewey, Paul Cheatem and George Howe changed their names to Steve Jones, Paul Cook and Glen Matlock, and the name of the band to The Sex Pistols .
Rasputin’s Revenge, of course, is the locally known phenomenon of intestinal distress that someone gets after eating too much borsht. The only known way to help ease the discomfort is lamb dumplings and vodka. The Sex Pistols were well known for their love of lamb dumplings and vodka, though the reasons don’t seem to be related to Rasputin’s Revenge.
Really thick borscht was often used by Russian kids at Halloween. They took mouthfuls of the soup and let it dribble down their chins, to simulate internal hemorrhaging due to radiation poisoning. After the Chernobyl disaster faded as a panic, the kids hung themselves upside down and let the borscht dribble over their faces in order to portray themselves as Bratva victims.
The gradual leak of radiation from Chernobyl has slowly been infiltrating the waters of the Black Sea. Deep in its murky depths the long-dormant form of Bogzilla begins to stir…
Bogzilla is an immense creature of great size and strength. Reports vary, but this monster is somewhere between 164 and 400 feet tall and between 20,000 and 66,000 tons. It has immense strength as well as a devastating nuclear fire breath which could reduce Japan’s sizeable army to burning slag in mere minutes. Bogzilla is a dangerous, yet misunderstood monster who is often seen accompanied by his son Bogzookie.
For those of you who prefer metric, that means Bogzilla is between 40 and 75 cm tall, and weighs between 30 and 35 kg. We now return you to your standard unscientific terminology.
Most destructive fire-breathing monsters are simply metaphors for the crushing certainty of death and the ultimate powerlessness of humanity against a certain decimation by an uncaring all-devouring universe. Man’s brutal and futile struggle against inevitable nonexistence, a nonexistence that moves closer with each passing hour, with each winding minute, with each terrible second lost - that is the true monstrosity. But Bogzilla is not like that.
Chernobogzilla is a gigantic lizard that lives on a mountain-top in Russia somewhere and every Hallowe’en it comes alive and just fries the living shit out of that little town at the base of the mountain. Its roaring does not sound like Mussorgsky music, either. The villagers nick-name for it: Dizni.
For the planned upcoming live action version of Fantasia, the role of Czernobog will be played by Benedict Cumberbatch. The Kardashians are in talks to play the harpies.