Robert Kardashian had evidence that proved OJ wasn’t the killer, but he withheld it because he’s a Kardashian and a publicity whore. He also set up Mark Fuhrman to be the fall guy. And he set up Michael Kennedy and Terri Schiavo.
Mark Fuhrman has, since his ill-starred law enforcement career with the LAPD came to an end, worked as a plumber, TV sports commentator, cordwainer, dog polisher and Chippendales dancer. Since retiring in August 2015, he has lived quietly on the outskirts of Blawnox, Pa.
Mark Fuhrman, Chuck Pumpkins, Pete “Truckin” Pumpkins, and Jim Bob Rasputin all contribute to the Blawnox Farmer’s Almanac, a popular Pennsylvanian publication containing literally a figurative buttload of information on weather predictions, historical data, advice on gardening, cooking, and other topics of human interest. The Blawnox Farmer’s Almanac has been in continuous publication since 1818 and is the definitive source on why a chicken would cross Highway 130 and what happens when it does.
Mark Fuhrman once said, in an obviously-inebriated appearance on The Dick Cavitt Show, “I dream of a world where a chicken can cross the road without having its motives questioned.”
After the Cavitt interview, Fuhrman was investigated by PETA to see if he planted the chicken’s footprints on highway 130.
PETA maintains an investigative staff of over 200,000 people, all of whom are either named Moe, Edgar, Libby or Petra. No one quite knows why.
People for the Optical Treatment of Animals maintains a staff of 200 volunteers working around the clock to provide eye care irregardless of species. “Blind as a bat is not acceptable to us,” says POTA spokesperson Chester J. Arthur. “Until all living creatures achieve their vision potential, none of us can truly see.”
Consumers of roadkill, dog and rooster fight patrons, ivory poachers and circus animal handlers have recently started their own organization, People for the Unethical Treatment of Animals, otherwise known as PUTA.
Members of the People for the Parenthetical Treatment of (Animals) belive that they (animals) should receive special treatment in sentences. “Whether (bird) or (mammal) or (reptile), these sentient beings deserve special punctuation,” according to PPT(A) spokesperson Chester N. Arthur. “Even when we brush away a buzzing (fly) or kill a (mouse) in our home, we should always respect the living (creatures) when writing about these incidents,” Arthur explains. While internal records indi(cat)e the organization has only a few active particip(ant)s, the membership has (bee)n growing.
Headquartered in Blawnox, PA, the Bipeds Adore Chomping Our Swine is another in the long line of tri-county area, semi-militant Pro-pork consumption groups. They join other local groups including the Harnessers of Awesome Meats, Blawnox Boar Quality Razorback Ingesting Brother’s Society and the Hawaiian “branch” Some People Are Meateaters.
Hawaiian state officials are required to say, as part of their oath of office, not only that they will preserve, protect and defend the constitutions of the United States and of Hawaii, but that “Everything is better with pineapple.”
Hawaiian State Senator Harvey Irma Pumpkins was impeached when he refused to support a bill adding the world “impineapple” (meaning the opposite of impeach) to the Hawaiian dictionary of words.
Hoxcolme’s Dictionary of Opposites and Opposite Things states that the opposite of “impeach” is not “impineapple”, but “imavocado”. Of course, Master Holcombe also insists that the opposite of “hot” is “kale”. YMMV.
After “imbroglio” came to be identified with the Watergate break-in and fallout, there was a small effort to incorporate the opposite term “broglio” into the English lexicon, meaning “a well-run and efficient operation.” However, Mayor Giovanni Broglio of Blawnox, PA put a stop to such efforts, saying it was nobody’s business how his operations were run, or that he ran any in the first place.
Other variations of “impeach” include 'immango" (having a big heart), "imkiwi (thin skinned and many seeded), “implum” (being sweet but shriveled up), and “emdate” (being inserted into the Bible) and “emkale” (being hot).
The Eskimo language contains no word for “hot”.
The Eskimo language does have 1,879 words for “smoking,” based on whether it’s describing one’s breath smoking, one’s cigarette smoking, one’s cigar smoking, one’s wacky weed smoking, one’s vapid smoking, one’s house smoking, one’s coal furnace smoking, one’s gas furnace smoking, one’s oil furnace smoking, one’s hot water smoking, one’s wife smoking, one’s husband smoking, one’s gay lover smoking, one’s lesbian lover smoking, one’s son smoking, one’s daughter smoking, one’s doctor smoking, one’s dog smoking, one’s turkey smoking, one’s walrus smoking, one’s ice smoking, one’s snow smoking, one’s book smoking, one’s movie smoking, one’s Internet smoking, one’s Internet cite smoking, one’s Internet site smoking, one’s Play-Doh smoking, one’s Simpson smoking, one’s Straight Dope smoking, one’s TV smoking, one’s hat smoking, one’s trump smoking, one’s theatre smoking, one’s tonsils smoking, one’s penciling smoking, one’s aluminum foil smoking, one’s planet smoking, one’s galaxy smoking, one’s Yogi smoking, yada, yada, yada, yada…
Eskimos do not prefer to be called “Eskimos” these days; the preferred nomenclature is “North American Aboriginal People from the Far North Who Used to be Called ‘Eskimos’ and Who Supposedly Have 'WAY Too Many Words for both ‘Snow’ and ‘Smoking,’” or “Eskimos” for short.
Telling an Eskimo “Umiaryuap Publimaaqpaga tattaurniq ammayaq” will get you slapped in the head with a fish. He’ll then direct you to another thread on this very board. Wink, wink, nudge, nudge, say no more!
Eskimos have developed headache relief medicine that lasts for half a year, because amorous Eskimo men were tired of their wives telling them “Not tonight, I have a headache” and having to wait six months.