Scientific studies have shown that really loud burps make wonder mutts go deaf, causing them to tend to repeat themselves.
Christmas came early, this year, but, I swear, I never touched her.
Christmas coming earlier every year is thought to be the result of global warming.
Due to persistent errors in local calendars, Christmas is celebrated on December 23 in three communities around the world: Blawnox, Pa.; Truth or Consequences, N.M.; Osaka, Japan; and Nairobi, Zaire.
The celebration of June 14th as Trumpmas was loudly voted down by all members of the Congress, the Supreme Court, the liberal media. Breitbart even pointed out that was already Flag Day.
According to a leaked White House memo, Trumpmas, if approved, would have been celebrated by abusive tweets, effusive praise of the President, a beauty contest among the First Lady and her staff, and a celebratory burning of a Yule log made of rolled-up copies of The New York Times.
Other Trumpmas pastimes include Hillary Pinatas, You’re Fired bingo, and playing Keep-Away with Trump’s iPhone.
Every time Trump tweets about North Korea on his iPhone, or so much as hums Rocket Man, the SECDEF gets acid indigestion.
North Korea has 17 provinces, all named after Beloved Maximum Dear Super-Terrific Eternal and Absolutely Not Too Pudgy and Not Crazy Either Leader Kim Jong-un.
Kim Jong-un is actually a satirist who inherited his current position. He is trying to covertly reveal himself while still looking like a leader. He is largely behind the fake news stories from professional satirists that get believed as actual news in gullible countries. True story.
Kim Jung-Un’s inauguration had a higher attendance than Donald Trump’s.
Kim Jung-Uri’s conception, birth, baptism, nursery school graduation, kindergarten graduation, grammar school graduation, high school graduation, and wedding, all had higher attendancse than Donald Trump’s. As Kim quipped “The only event I expect Trump to trump me is our funeral attendances”.
Kim Jung-Uri and Kim Jong-un are fraternal half-twins, separated at birth and trained by North Korean Intelligence agents to favor their right and left hands, respectively. They are occasional racquetball rivals, have seen all of the Star Wars movies together and, according to a recently-declassified CIA report, are fond of singing early Whitney Houston songs in duet.
Whitney Houston’s twin sister, Celine Dion, is planning a Memorial Tribute Concert for 2018. In addition to Bobby Brown, celebrities invited include Bruce Willis, Carrot Top, Tom Hanks, Melissa McCarthy and Ellen DeGeneres - neighbors from the 'hood.
ABBA is planning a holographic world tour in 2019 (true!). The celebrity back up holographic singers will include Cecile Dion, Bobby Brown, Bruce Willis, Carrot Top, Tom Hanks, Melissa McCarthy and Ellen DeGeneres.
Celine “Dion” Sanders is a all around threat at cornerback, kick returner, and even wide receiver playing for the University of Blawnox’s Fighting Chuckhounds football team. Chuckhounds fans are wondering if this dynamo can translate her remarkable speed and on-field veracity into success at the pro level. The Cleveland Browns have already announced that they will pick her in the first round of the NFL draft unless she is already taken in which case they may take Chuckhounds kicker Phartuccio Bumpo.
Celine Dion, Tom Hanks, George Michael, Keanu Reeves, Paul Simon, Lucille Ball, Robin Williams and Tina Turner all belong to the Fraternal Order of Discarded Sidekicks.
Tom Hanks and Keanu Reeves are both huge fans of the University of Blawnox and call each other up every Saturday morning during football season to sing the Fighting Chuckhounds fight song to each other.
“University of Blawnox,” is the Pennsylvania version of, “School of Hard Knocks.”
Blawnox University is noted for having the USA’s first woman head football coach, first African-American head football coach, and first Jewish head football coach all at the same time when Niptheria Goldberg led the Fighting Chuckhounds in 1981.