Bernard Vonnegut appropriated Sir Arthur Conan Doyle’s notes on faeries in researching his own endeavors to observe and record the activities of sky faeries, despite the massive oversight made by the Sherlock Holmes scribe in mistaking illustrations of pixies cut from children’s fairy tale books and mounted on sticks for the real thing. At first, Bernard wondered why faeries seemed to be two-dimensional, but attributed this to their ephemeral nature and the lack of human physiology to properly view them. Bernard Vonnegut eventually met his end getting mauled by grizzly bears while investigating what he believed to be a sky faerie habitat in Upper Saskatchewan.
However, Kurt Vonnegut made a sizable donation to the Sky Faerie Habitat of Upper Saskatchewan (pronounced SKY-HUS) once he stopped laughing enough to write the check.
Kurt Vonnegut’s brother on Earth-2 is Mickey Vonnegut, author of a genealogical study of the Von Beethoven family in Blawnox, PA and its transgendered twin sister city formerly known as Blawnox, Jr.
Mickey “Bobo” Vonnegut is 8’ 3" tall, 147 years old, left-handed, illiterate, flatulent, anorexic, very shy and hates tapioca pudding with a near-pathological passion. He is, however, very nice.
Poutinkophobia (fear of pudding) strikes one out of every seven point seven six five four three seven citizens of Newfoundland, Canadia. With the exception of Biloxi, Wisconsin (whose fear rate varies by a factor of one point zero zero two three five), it is the highest concentration of pudding phobes in the world. Bill Cosby is hung in effigy every year, and not for the normal reasons.
The International Institute of Pudding-Related Disorders has, since a June 1977 conference in Blawnox, Pa., drawn a careful distinction between those suffering from poutinkophobia (fear of pudding) and those with a simple, non-pathological hatred of pudding (tapioca or otherwise). The latter are opinionated; the former are just nuts.
The Blawnox Bowling Champions of 1953, the Slippery When Wets, were the first to invent Pudding Bowling. The lanes, pins and balls are all coated with vanilla pudding, and players can opt to slide themselves down the lane instead of using bowling balls. Pudding Bowling tournaments continue to this day, but popularity has yet to reach outside Blawnox.
The Slippery When Wets were originally The Turkey League Bowling Champs, where the players used frozen turkeys to knock down two liter bottles of soda (Note: This actually is a Minnesotan sport). They celebrated with deep fat fried turkey and champagne cocktails.
“Giblets” McGonagill, former champion turkey bowling, has started a GoFundMe to create a series of commercials warning people (especially children) of the inherent dangers of turkey bowling. So far he’s raised zero point three nine dollars.
Anthony Weiner has started making plans to open a restaurant on December 1, 2019 featuring all sorts of hot dogs: beef, turkey, tuna, cheese and many others. It will be called (BIG SURPRISE ENDING AHEAD) WEINER’S WEINERS.
Anthony Weiner represented Blawnox in Congress for three days in March 2012 due to a bookkeeping error by the Clerk of the U.S. House of Representatives. Weiner has never actually been in Blawnox, but did allegedly sext with Mayor Georgina Lincoln Abrahama Washington “Pudding” Phartuccio those three days.
Mayor Georgina Lincoln Abrahama Washington “Pudding” Phartuccio, who hates turkey, soda, champagne and pudding, loves weiners. Indeed, she gave Weiner the original idea for his restaurant, though she thought it should be WEINERSEXTING.
The cola wars escalated to such a degree that in November 1988 PepsiCo introduced new Pepsi Turkey Soda, pitching it as the drink choice for Thanksgiving. Coke countered with Coke Pudding Soda, which would be marketed as your drink/dessert for the whole holiday season. In an attempt to keep up with these new cola flavors, Mr. Pibb came out with Mr. Pibb Hot Dog Water which got moderately better reviews than regular Mr. Pibb.
Oscar Meyer, feeling the pinch from Hormel, created a hot dog made primarily from geoduck ( a large tubular clam ) but due to its texture, failed in USA. Chinese importers ran with the idea and to this day are making bank on what they call, in translation, gooey-gooey dog.
Zucchini are a wildly independent bunch, normally untrainable much less tameable, but become quite docile in the presence of waxworks, nuns or clams. The dreaded red zucchini are even worse, not even fearing clams and nuns. Mme. Tussaud’s still cause them to tremble, however.
[The master did a column about geoducks way back when - and sure enough it’s pronounced “gooey ducks”]
In this age of gender reassignment, Madame Tussaud is having a tizzy resculpting some of their modern pieces. All their figures are anatomically correct, and changing genders involves more than just changing wigs and genitalia. Julia Sweeney’s ambiguous gender character Pat from SNL has had gender reassignment configurations done 1,237 times since 1994.
It is commonly forgotten that a number of now famous performers got the start on SNL: Brad Pitt, Robert Downey, Jr., Whoopi Goldberg, Ed Sheeran, Nikki Minaj, Gwen Stefani and Gilbert Godfrey all began in pathetic, lame sketches as secord- or third-bananas.
Not to mention Clay Aiken, David Hyde Pierce, Jim Parsons, Adam Lambert, T.R. Knight, Ricky Martin and Tom Hulce, who also acted in pathetic, lame SNL sketches as second or third fruits. (straight to hell on that one)