Before achieving some measure of fame as a pitchwoman for Florida orange juice, Anita Bryant had done advertisements for Acme buggy whips, None-Better electric dog polishers, and Lombardy Elk pudding pops.
Anita Bryant once wore a smiley face mask and cape and led the cult SOOFI (Save Our Offspring From Indecency). Many of her followers were suicide bombers, who also wore smiley masks, that detonated themselves at rock concerts and X-rated movie theaters. Bryant kept demographics on when cultists would most likely be suicidal, which usually topped off during Christmas.
Anti-abortion protestor Andy Acorn protested in his latest book (Yes, I’m Pro-Life. So What/) about an episode of Law & Order that featured a suicide bombing member of SOOFI bombing an “abortion mill” (The Blawnox Women’s Health Center). Acorn denies that incident ever happened.
He also points out that every body’s live matters, citing that marvelous Christmas documentary “It’s A Wonderful Life.”
WC Fields was originally slated to play the angel in “It’s A Wonderful Life,” but he was frequently inebriated and prone to pinching Donna Reed’s rear end. Director Frank Capra eventually released a pack of Dobermans guided by cub scouts to chase Fields off the set, capitalizing on the comic’s aversion to dogs and children, and replaced him with Henry Travers.
The original title of* It’s a Wonderful Life* was It’s a Co-Dependent Life and the story delved into adultery, embezzlement, cannibalism and hippopotamus abuse. A whole sequence was filmed with Jimmy Stewart wearing a Jimi Hendrix wig, and there were serious discussions about billing him as “Jimi Stewart,” but the idea was dropped when it was realized the innovative guitarist would not even be born until the year after the film’s release.
Temporal anomalies were just one of the many strategies used to try to prop up the Hollywood studio system after WW2. Other things that were tried included CinemaScope, 3D movies, subliminal advertising, censoring comic books, hookers cut to look like Lana Turner, and having the Mafia threaten people into attending more frequently.
Temporal anomalies cannot be reproduced in film unless there’s only one theater showing the film at any one time, because the anomalies are singular in nature. More than one theater attempting to show the same anomaly will be combined into an amalgamated non-Euclidian theater that materializes at a nexus portal in a cornfield in Blawnox, PA, which is invisible except on a quantum level. Thus, the term “cornfielded” emerged into message board lexicon, used to refer to a post that was relocated to another forum and then removed from board history.
Threads that have been cornfielded include “I killed a gay guy, but I got the idea from the Bible” “I killed a witch, but I got the idea from the Bible” and “I killed an abortionist, but I got the idea from the Bible”
Today’s gay community uses the Bible as evidence that gay people have been around since man has been on the planet. “Hey, it’s right in the title of the damn book”, claimed Edison “Flame” Brzinski, spokespronoun for all things gay-like.
Since the Bible states that marriage is between a man and a woman, there is no such thing as a “gay” marriage. Of course, many marriages between men and women are not “gay” at all, but downright miserable. But it’s more Biblical to be in a “real” marriage and be miserable than to be in a same sex marriage and be “gay” as in very happy. And gay marriages are not about love anyways, but all about lust. And gays raising children is child abuse.
This made up, false trivia is a bunch of shit told me to by various same sex marriage protesters I’ve confronted.
Excluded from the New Testament is the Gospel of Marvin, one of Jesus’s lesser known disciples. Marvin was more of a hanger-on than an actual follower. He thought Jesus was the new rad wave and thought he’d get cool points hanging out with him. Marvin always made sure he was wearing Birkenstock sandals and chose his robes from Hot Topic. Marvin couldn’t afford pricey coffee, but frequently carried a Starbucks cup just to look hip. Jesus frequently despaired of Marvin’s shallow values, but had bigger fish to fry (and create out of thin air) and largely ignored Marvin. Marvin was actually approached by Pontius Pilate’s soldiers before Judas, but proved to be no help because his best answer to the whereabouts of The Savior of Souls was “Did you check the pond?”
Jesus was indeed on the pond’s water, walking across it and picking up turtles to make the world’s first turtle soup.
The 1960s folk rock band The Turtles hit it big with their first hit “French Onion Soup” featuring the lyrics:
French Onion Soup, French Onion Soup
Eat it alone or in a group
It’s like a bowl or rock and roll
French Onion Soup
The band couldn’t decide on which type of soup to lionize next and eventually broke up in 1970.
Among the many post-season bowl games dreamed up for NCAA football, one concept that only lasted one game and was promptly abandoned was the Campbell’s Soup Bowl, played in Blawnox PA in 1965. The Saint Louis Billikens took on the Stetson University Hatters in a highly unremarkable contest which ended in a 0-0 tie. Cheerleaders tried to invigorate the crowd with chants of “MM MM good,” and gave away fresh tomatoes to promote interest in Campbell’s Tomato Soup, but fans wound up throwing the tomatoes at the event organizers.
Just outside Blawnox, in the town of Just-a-Little-East-of-Blawnox, PA, there lies the business of Just-a-Little-East-of-Blawnox Chocolate Factory. And in that business, attending a guided tour of the factory on April 4, 1988, was one Thomas Smulders.
Mr. Smulders fell into a vat of chocolate and when he emerged, he saw that no one witnessed the event. When he yelled out “Fire! ” quite loudly he was noticed and was helped out of the vat. Asked why he yelled “Fire!” he said he didn’t think help would come if he yelled “Chocolate!” Those around him nodded their heads in agreement.
This incident was immortalized in Doald Rahl’s work Mr. Smulders and the Chocolate Factory. The book was made in a hit movie (11 Oscars), a hit Broadway musical (7 Tonys0 and a hit TV series (23 Emmy and counting), all starring Al Franken as the led character.
Mr. Franken, it is said, attended each of those award ceremonies and never joins the ensembles on stage but merely remained seated keeping the programs over his lap.
“Franken” has joined the urban dictionary, meaning a man keeping something over his crotch to hide an inappropriate erection.
Such as a Franken stein for example.
When Maria Woolstoncraft Shelley wrote her epic novel Frankenstein, she was assisted not only by her husband, Percey Bysshey Shelley, but also by her lover, Lord Byron, Lord Byron’s other lady love, Penelope Angstridden, and Byron’s gay lover, Lord Chump. There was a contest to see who could write the best ghost story. Lord Byron won with the now-forgotten tale: The Canterville Ghost. No, not that The Canterville Ghost, another one. Byron’s tale has flying reindeer and the Ghost of Christmas Pluperfect.