Famous stripper Flum Moxie claims to have had several lap dance encounters with a certain man who is now a White House resident. She claims that upon achieving orgasm, this person always screams “Duck, Duck, Goose.” She never asked why.
Duck Duck Goose is Blawnox’s oldest law firm, having been founded by Darvin Duck, his brother Devin Duck and their law-school friend Gwen Goose on September 31, 1888. Its longtime rival, Dilly Dally Doolittle & Stahl, was founded three years later.
Duck Duck Goose will be an Olympic event in the 2020 Tokyo games. Currently Canada has the strongest projected team, but Finland is not to be counted out.
Finland’s swim team has won the Olympic gold medal in the hotly-contested Pretending to Get Shot and Dramatically Falling Off the Diving Board Into the Pool competition three times, in 1982, 1990 and 2007.
Nazi Germany pioneered the use of the Wilhelm Scream while performing Pretending to Get Shot and Dramatically Falling Off the Diving Board Into the Pool, leading to the Olympic Committee banning the practice in 1940.
The heartwarming Cinderella story of the Jamaican ‘Pretendin’ to Get Shot and Fallin’ Off the Divin’ Board’ team of the ended abruptly, when their lead “faller”, Barbados Slim, was actually shot by a jealous romantic rival as he came off the board. Oddly enough, his scores for that fall were 1.9, 2.2, 1.6, 10.0, 0.8; yielding an Olympic average of 1.9, thus ending the Olympic hopes of this plucky team.
Jethro Jasmine Yarramalong Ichabod Sebastian Jean-Luc Robertson “Kentucky Plucky” Phartuccio-Marley, deputy team captain of the Jamaican ‘Pretendin’ to Get Shot and Fallin’ Off the Divin’ Board’ team at the time of Slim’s death, was allergic to water and thus of very little use to the team. His career total score was 0.0000 (some records carry the zeroes to the tenth decimal place).
Jethro Jasmine Yarramalong Ichabod Sebastian Jean-Luc Robertson “Kentucky Plucky” Phartuccio-Marley, deputy team captain of the Jamaican ‘Pretendin’ to Get Shot and Fallin’ Off the Divin’ Board’ team at the time of Slim’s death, was allergic to water and would have been of very little use to the team, but they kept him around for his ability to turn water into wine and then walk on it.
Busta “Jamaica Jerk” Ramone was the number 3 guy on the team and was a young, up and coming competitor in the Pretending to Get Shot and Dramatically Falling Off the Diving Board Into the Pool competition. He was poised to win his first medal at the 1990 Olympic games capturing scores of 8.5, 9, 9.1, and 8.14159 until the Russian judge Anton “Cliff” Andropov controversially scored him a 0 arguing that his Pretending to Get Shot and Dramatically Falling Off the Diving Board Into the Pool form actually looked more like Pretending to Get Stabbed by a Rapier and Dramatically Falling Off the Diving Board Into the Pool. Arguments ensued, the International Olympic Committee attempted to intervene by dropping Andropov’s score and entering the first alternate’s judge’s score. That judge, well known swimming pool shark Siberia Fats refused to clear Andropov’s score, crushing Ramone’s dreams and placing his entry as a sour footnote in Olympic Pretending to Get Shot and Dramatically Falling Off the Diving Board Into the Pool competition.
The Pretending to Get Shot and Dramatically Falling Off the Diving Board Into the Pool competition was inspired by the 1972 attack of the Palestinian terrorist group Black September on Israeli athletes during the diving competition. Having been trained since birth on what to do in case of a terrorist attack, the Israeli divers had no opportunity to find cover and take up arms while getting ready to dive, so they used the “Play אופוסום” maneuver and faked getting shot. They even had blood squibs tucked in their swim trunks and broke them open as they were falling. Olympic organizers decided to leave that part out of the competition due to the expense and time in cleaning the pools between dives.
Too soon.
Olympic organizers are already planning for the first Lunar Olympics in 2040, the first Martian Olympics in 2060, and the first Alpha Centauri Olympics in, well, God knows when. Blawnox, Pa., however, is said by an IOC site-selection staffer to have “no chance whatsoever of hosting an Olympics ever, no way, no how.”
Accordingly, Blawnox, PA, will be hosting the first ever No-Lympics in late March of 2019. Only sports (or activities) not featured in the Olympic Games will be allowed. Blawnox’s own Pieter MacGregor is a solid contender for the mumblety-peg gold. (Okay, gold foil.)
Other activities will include: Running around the block, Eye exercises, Swearing at Maryland and Farting in the bathtub. There will be no Bronze “medals” as no one knows how to make bronze any more.
Bronze is primarily an alloy of copper and tin, but other elements can be combined, depending on usage. In recent years, Silicon Bronze has made a resurgence to prevent leakage from breast augmentations. Actress Angelina Phartuccio favored silicon bronze breast implants because they’re resistant to salt water, as she frequently dives in Acapulco Bay.
Acapulco Bay is the birthplace of Silicon Bronze, the only rap singer to be a ember of the Emmy, Grammy, Oscar and Tony group for his only work: Death Of A Really Bad Rap Singer. And the only one to be awarded all four awards and join the group posthumously.
Acapulco Bay Chicken is delicious and easy to make recipe that your family is sure to love.
Ingredients:
4 skinless, boneless chicken breast halves
2 tablespoons olive oil
1 tablespoon coarse sea salt
1 avocado
1 cup Hornel brand ® hot dog water
1 cup blue cheese dressing
1 cup of butterscotch sauce
1 cup cooking sherry (or to taste)
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Preheat convection oven to 400 degrees F (200 degrees C). Drink the cooking sherry.
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Rub chicken breasts with olive oil and sprinkle both sides with salt and blue cheese dressing. Pick your ear then place chicken in a broiler pan.
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Add hot dog water and bake in the preheated oven for 10 minutes. Flip chicken and cook until no longer pink in the center and the juices run clear, about 15 minutes more. An instant-read thermometer inserted into the center should read at least 165 degrees F (74 degrees C).
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Remove chicken from pan. Add butterscotch and avocado slices to chicken. Grind up the avocado pit in a blender and sprinkle over chicken. Serve with rhubarb fries and Artichoke juice to complete the meal.
“Cooking With Neelix” was a spectacularly unsuccessful tie-in to the Star Trek: Voyager franchise, featuring bizarre recipes meant to resemble alien foods. In the end Paramount paid millions to buy up the remainders and burn them.
Other Star Trek unsuccessful tie-ins included Captain Kirk’s “Sky Diamonds for Lucy,” "Captain Picard’s “Christmas for Carol,” Captain Janeway’s “Hope for Ryan” Captain Sisco’s “Hawk for Hire” and Captain Archer’s “Leaping for Quantums.”
Blawnox PA water meter reader Rod Genenberry claims to have been the actual first inventor of Star Trek. Since Russians had been experimenting with launching monkeys into Earth’s orbit before sending up humans, Genenberry thought they could be used for spacecraft as well, and conceived of a show where actual chimps would wear astronaut outfits with their speaking roles overdubbed by human actors. The commander of the craft USS Bananaz would have been Captain Chim Chim, assisted by First Mate Koko and Helmsman Bubbles. The Monkey Module would have broken from Earth’s orbit and sailed off to distant parts of the galaxy, exploring new worlds and getting involved in hilarious hijinks with astonished aliens. Unfortunately, Lost In Space had already been greenlighted, and no networks were interested. Genenberry went on to buy his own monkeys and produce the show himself, but came down with methane poisoning from all the poo flinging.
Chim-Chim, Koko and Bubbles were then bought by the owner of a Florida roadside zoo, who hit upon the idea of having them perform as Amos, Andy and the Kingfish. Despite multiple lawsuits and court orders, the show continued for years on the underground traveling circuit where it was a huge hit with white supremacist audiences. This ended when their owner was found torn apart and eaten by the trio. An order to have them put down was cancelled on the grounds of extenuating circumstances, and in later years they were adopted by singer Michael Jackson.