Of the original Great Eight, only Prancer is still physically able to pull Santa’s sleigh. Vixen, for instance, has moved to the sultry Canadian province of Yukon for her arthritis and runs a tanning booth, while Comet has been in the North Pole ICU for a record number of 68 weeks, starting from the time he tried to life the High Pudgy One all by himself.
Tried to Life is the debut album by Olive the Other Reindeer and Her Eight Million Lombardy Pudding Elks. The nu-death-thrash-North-Pole-heavy-metal-rockabilly group will be on tour in Outer Mongolia from next week through the following Thursday.
Olive the Other Reindeer got her name from her green and red nose. Suddenly, it became fashionable for reindeer to have “shining , glowing noses.”
Reindeer actually have been known to have shiny noses. Males have an instinct to wet their noses in the snow and turn their heads at a certain angle to capture sunlight in order to attract females. Reindeer hunters caught on to this, and tend to shoot at any shiny object they find. More often than not however, they shoot out the taillights of unsuspecting snowplows.
Suspecting snowplows often uncover the truth.
Philo Phartuccio, the CEO of Blawnox Bedspreads will be on the next episode of the CBS hit show Undercover Boss. Posing as a new bedspread inspector, we will literally see this Undercover Boss under the covers.
Blawnox Bedspreads got off to rough start, nearly going bankrupt before someone finally explained to Philo Phartuccio that a bedspread is a fabric cover for a bed, not an edible paste meant to be put on beds.
Philo Phartuccio’s seven brides all eventually divorced him for leaving crumbs in the covers.
Philo Phartuccio married his way through the famous Lear family of Houston, Texas, each of his first five wives being heiresses to the vast wealth of their father, Larry Lear, who established Lear Business Jets. The Lear daughters were, from youngest to oldest, Gonda, Chanda, Cava, Cost, Hotel and Sommel. None of them took his name, deeming it, as Chanda Lear remarked, “just too silly.”
There was also the illegitimate son that Larry Lear fathered with his Cuban housemaid named Bando. When he reached maturity, Bando repatriated to Cuba to assist in Che Guevara’s rebellion, toting machine guns in each hand.
Bando’s favorite joke was “But on the other hand…” followed by letting of a fusilade. Philo Phartuccio is the only person known to have laughed at this.
Bando’s Song was cut from Evita in tryouts. A bootleg tape of it makes it clear why.
Evita was in tryouts in Lagos, Nigeria; Hamamatsu, Japan; Auckland, New Zealand; Blawnox, Pa.; and McMurdo Station, Antarctica, before coming to the New York stage. Bootleg tapes of the “Bando’s Song” performance in Lagos are particularly disdained by Evita fans, as it was inexplicably performed in Urdu.
Evita translates into, “Little Eva,” but having a musical about Carole King’s children’s babysitter–and the original singer of, “The Locomotion,”–made no sense to Lloyd-Webber’s financial backers, who wisely changed the focus of the stage version to Grand Funk Railroad. Next year’s revival will follow the adventures of Kylie Minogue.
British expeditionary soldiers were heard singing Evita’s “Don’t Cry For Me Argentina” while retaking the Falkland Islands in 1982.
Eva Peron’s illegitimate father sailed to Italy where he started another couple o’ families, each under a different name. His son Franco Boiardi then sailed to America and started a line of canned Italian pasta: “Franco-American”.
Generalissimo Francisco Franco wrote children’s books under the pseudonym Winifred Manley.
Generalissimo Francisco Franco is still alive–sorry, Chevy.
Chevy Chase has died due an unfortunate accident in a staircase. He slipped, fell, and didn’t have a stunt double ready at hand.
Nobody knows who chased Chevy.