There is a small organization of “Happy Days” fans somewhere in Wisconsin whose sole mission is to find out what happened to the older brother of the Cunningham family. They call themselves The Chuck Hounds.
Chuck Cunningham was eventually going to be revealed as a child Marion had out of wedlock with another man, before Howard reluctantly agreed to adopt as his own son. Chuck’s father would have also been Fonzie’s absent father, and would also have been the true father to all of Milwaulkee’s eldest children. “Happy Days” was originally the name of the knockout drug Mr. Fonzarelli administered to his numerous paramours, and the show was originally slated to be a procedural wherein Richie and all his friends would find out they were related by season’s end. However, cooler heads prevailed, and the incest angle was discarded in favor of 50’s homage.
Henry Winkler was not CBS’s first choice to play the Fonz. Pat Boone was originally cast in the role, but when he fell off the wagon and proved undependable, they sought out Frankie Avalon. He wanted too much money. There was then a scheduling problem with Tom Selleck, and then the role went to Henry Winkler, who was originally hired to play Chuck Cunningham.
Pat Boone’s wagon was one of the most famous means of conveyance in old-time Hollywood, having carried such third-rate stars of yesteryear as James Dean’s younger brother Stanley, Natalie Woode and Orson Bean to semi-gala premieres at Graumann’s Singaporean Theater.
Pat Boone once wrote a book titled “Naughty Things I Have Done In My Lifetime.” It was so thin, it qualified as a postcard for mailing purposes.
President Trump has read Pat Boone’s book all the way through, twice. He said it was a challenge, but proof of his best literate skills.
The Pat Boone Fan Club reached its peak of 5,273,923,233 members in 1952, of whom three were Dwight D. Eisenhower and seven were Orson Bean.
Oddly enough, Orson Bean and Orson Welles are unrelated. However, Orsen from the Mork and Mindy show, is related but it’s not how you think. He is actually relative to reality in the shortest form.
Since reality in the shortest form does not include humor, Orson banned all humor on Ork and exiled Mork to Earth. And we are all eternally grateful.
Pat Boone once threw out his hip, a shoulder, an ankle, and sprained his larynx trying to sing “Get Up (Sex Machine)”, by James Brown. Doctors suspect it was from trying to shake his arm while moving his form at the same time.
Pat Boone was once thrown out. Unfortunately, he got out of the garbage can before the garbage truck arrived.
Pat Boone claimed to be a descendant of Daniel Boone, the rugged frontiersman. During a seance, Dan’l came back and told the gathering that “I disown that milktoast motherfucker, and don’t get me started on that sappy daughter of his.”
Daniel Boone suffered from what is now known as Tourette syndrome; at the time he was merely considered profane. After disgracing himself by addressing the town council of Boonesborough as “you dog-fucking sodomites”, he moved to Missouri where his increasingly severe Tourette’s passed unnoticed.
John Joseph Osborn Phartuccio-Tourist was the first to medically describe what is now known as “Tourette’s syndrome”; it was thought that “Tourist’s syndrome” was a really, really bad name to give it.
DSM-5 describes Tourist’s Syndrome as the persistent pattern of appearing out of place to include at least five of the following symptoms:
- Obesity
- New wide brimmed hats.
- Hugging one’s purse at all times.
- Camera at the ready.
- Fanny packs.
- Regional attire from another era.
- Asking locals for the nearest McDonald’s Restaurant.
- Speaking louder than necessary.
Tourist’s Syndrome goes back as far as the 11th century, when the First Crusade took place. Pope Urban II called for the East and West portions of the Byzantine Empire to unite against the Muslims in Anatolia to ostensibly stem the pagan tide, but in reality Urban wanted to bring wine with him to the Turkish Baths, and alcohol was forbidden at the time. After the capture of Edessa, the ensuing flood of Byzantine tourists complained the soup was too thick, but it turned out they were drinking gravy. They also frequently complained that the street signs weren’t written in Latin, so they frequently got lost.
- Wearing sandals with socks.
- clip-on sunglasses.
- Souvenir shopping bag.
- Matching track suits on those 75 and older
- Complaining that no one speaks English
- Bragging about liberating the country which he is visiting from the Nazis during WWII
- Either extremely pale skin, or sunburn
- MAGA baseball cap
- Souvenir t-shirt, sweatshirt or hoody.