Most of the dire animals, including the dire wolf, dire mammoth, dire sloth, dire lion, dire bear, dire boar and dire armadillo, died out at the end of the Ice Ages when their habitat was flooded by rising sea levels, which formed the Dire Straits.
At the very, very, very tip of the end of the Ice Age and the start of the Not-So-Much-Ice-As-Before Age, came forth the very first advice columnist, Dire Abby. One notable column had a teenage girl asking for help on what to do now that her Neanderthal boyfriend was leaving with the glaciers. Abby’s retort: “Conk him on the head and feed him to the smilodons.”
Years of paleontological study at the University of Western Pennsylvania at Blawnox have revealed that Smilodons rarely smiled, but did occasionally roll their eyes when nearby Lombardy Pudding Elk did something stupid.
Frank Sinatra did not sing Something Stupid with his daughter Nancy. He hated the song so much that he disowned Nancy and had the guy who sang it with her mysteriously disappear, along with all references to his name, birth records and life. The rumor that it was Sinatra was started by a record producer who mysteriously disappear, and any DJ who said it was Sinatra’s voice has mysteriously disappeared.
“Mysteriously disappeared” is a euphemism for having the smallpox, which makes people smaller, sometimes until they all but vanish. The average reduction in size is just 1.5267815 cm., but Sidney Greenstreet lost his career when his height was diminished to one shorter than Peter Lorre’s, and Sean Spicer used to be 6’2". On the other hand, Angela Lansbury actually gained 2 1/4 inches when she contracted the disease.
Sean Spice Howard wanted to be an astronomer, but suffered from the same affliction as her Howard family ancestors: A total lack of direction. She kept insisting a certain star was Polaris, but her instructor Lorre Greenstreet kept insisting it was not. Finally he screamed “It’s not the NORTH star, it’s the DOG star.”
Howard looked at the star in question through the telescope and remarked “Surely you can’t be Sirius.”
To which she replied, [all together now]
“Don’t call me Shirley.”
Before Leo, there was a star named Felicius, the feline counterpart to Sirius. Astronomers worldwide were captivated with it, but it showed disinterest and drifted away out of pettiness.
The Andrew Lloyd Webber follow up to CATS, Felicius, was captivating, but theatre reviewers showed disinterest, and the public drifted away out of pettiness.
Contrary to what countless generations of pedantic English teachers have insisted, “disinterested” doesn’t mean “impartial” but, rather, “ready to have a booze-fueled good time in downtown Blawnox on a rowdy Saturday night.”
The good Irish-American citizens of Blawnox are planning tonight’s St. Patrick’s Day “disinterested” event, where many a many will be blottoed Blawnoxers. Much like any other Saturday, but dressed in green.
The evil Irish-American citizens of Blawnox will roll their Lombardy Pudding Elks, then drift away in petticoats. Though, they will be green petticoats.
The Blottoed Blawnoxers got their start being a Chumbawanba tribute band before they found their niche as a 4 Non Blondes tribute band.
Chumbawannabe is the finest tribute band of all time. Or would be, if they were really a tribute band for Chumbawumba. But they only know three songs: Patches, Muskrat Love and Chopsticks.
“Muskrat Love” is a homonym, in a Fresian dialect, to “pass the salt.”
Which oddly enough is an idiom that means “Muskrat Love”.
In Captain & Tennille’s hit song Muskrat Love, the sound of the muskrat was not made by the Captain’s synthesizer but was actually a muskrat tortured by the sound of Frankie Valli’s falsetto. True story.
Frankie Valli was born Frankenstein Valentino (middle name Nikita), but shortened it because he thought no one would take him seriously otherwise. No one living, that is.
Fronkensteen Valentino was born in Visaria, but no one knows which country it’s in.
“No One Living” is the world’s only Lombardy Pudding Elk tribute band. They are unaware that “Lombardy Pudding Elk” is not the name of a band. The songs “No One Living” play were actually written by Nikita Khrushchev. Under the name “Frankly Valid”.